Question Corner

[00:00:00] Speaker A: I feel like I'm the wrong person to ask this question. [00:00:03] Speaker B: Why? What would you do? [00:00:04] Speaker A: I don't know. I feel like. No. [00:00:12] Speaker C: If you have any questions, I know you can tell me. I will trust you. Dear queen. Dear Queen. [00:00:33] Speaker D: This week we are doing a few listener questions. We've got our fav guest back in the hot seat, who I might be a little bit biased towards. Welcome, Dev Matthews. [00:00:46] Speaker B: Hey, y'all. [00:00:47] Speaker D: And if you like this episode, you too can have your questions answered by a ragtag bunch of highly skilled queers. What we lack in actual expertise, we make up for in experience and blind confidence. To send us your questions, just find us on Instagram. Dear Queer podcast. So let's get right into those questions. I've got some that don't necessarily fit with a theme, but, yeah. Does that work for y'all? [00:01:12] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:01:13] Speaker B: Is this like, just a big mashup episode? A little bit, yeah, why not? [00:01:18] Speaker A: Okay. [00:01:19] Speaker B: Hi. Dear queer. She. [00:01:21] Speaker E: They person in their mid twenties. My girlfriend thinks she might be asexual and only just romantic towards me. I love her and I want to support her through everything, but it's getting hard to go without my needs being met. What can. Should I do? [00:01:38] Speaker A: Interesting. [00:01:39] Speaker E: Do we need to define asexual? [00:01:41] Speaker B: Go for it. I mean, I don't want to provide a proper definition of asexuality, especially as a non asexual person, but I think that asexuality is a spectrum. There's multiple versions of asexuality where people feel varied degrees of sexual from zero to hypersexual. [00:01:59] Speaker A: Asexual to hypersexual, basically, yeah. [00:02:02] Speaker B: Asexual to hypersexual. But there's lots of people in between who feel gray ace or other aces. [00:02:09] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:02:10] Speaker B: I don't know what their aces. I know gray ace. I'm sure there's a million other aces. [00:02:13] Speaker A: Yeah. But. [00:02:15] Speaker B: Well, then I feel like the three of us are probably a little bit elder queer, because I feel like the asexual component of the gay agenda, which we all love, came a little bit. We have recently. [00:02:29] Speaker A: We have older versions of the agenda on our desks. [00:02:33] Speaker B: The agenda's a bit outdated. If you're a youth and want to come on, dear queer, and talk about asexuality. Yeah. I'm sure Lauren would love to have you. [00:02:43] Speaker A: I mean, I feel like the first step with any of the answers here is always to have this conversation needs to be had. [00:02:50] Speaker E: Okay, now get us past the first step. [00:02:52] Speaker A: Yeah. What's in the. What's the meat and potatoes of the conversation tofu and they have needs that they need to let them know that they feel like they're not being met, and then they can decide. They can have a conversation about how that's going to. Those needs are going to get met. And maybe it's inside the relationship with in some creative ways, or maybe it's outside of the relationship in a consensual way. [00:03:16] Speaker E: Creativity is a great way to approach it, because I think what's a bummer for this is me stereotyping heteronormativity. But, like, in Queerland, you get to reimagine and, like, maybe you have other partners. Maybe you get to have your needs, have your needs met elsewhere. There's some definite room for creativity to be brought into if you want to. If they both want to make this relationship work. [00:03:48] Speaker B: Yeah, I think that some. I think that because of the way that our society has demonized and stigmatized and also amplified sex, I think that conversations about sexuality or about sexual intimacy are really weighted and feel very intense. And I think that this type of conversation or, like, dealing with this type of ask or boundary or whatever it may be, is like any other. It's like you need to know how to tell your partner that you need something and then find a compromise. And I think it could be like, oh, I want to go visit my family every month, and your partner's like, I don't want to do that. I can't fly every month, and we don't have the money for it. And then you have, you engage in this dialogue where you compromise, and you find a solution that works for both of you. And it is probably neither thing. I think the unique thing is that you would. Obviously, you can't compromise on consent. And so an asexual person who literally doesn't want to have sex and cannot have sex in a comfortable way can't compromise on having sex when they don't want to. And so I think that that's where it becomes, okay, can we compromise on the other person finding sex outside of the relationship? Or unlike, maybe, like, I've heard other podcasts that give sex advice, talk about how potentially, like, you know, masturbation or, like, other ways of supporting each other in an intimate sexual way, but without sexual intercourse can support that kind of thing. So I think it's about not compromising. I imagine if I was ace, I would feel like I can't compromise on this. This is, like, who I am. So don't make me do something I can't or won't do, but it doesn't have to. That doesn't have to be the grounds on which you compromise. That can be like a boundary, and then you can create other compromises around it, if that makes sense. [00:05:47] Speaker E: Okay, nails it. [00:05:48] Speaker A: Ten out of ten. [00:05:49] Speaker B: I said masturbation on your podcast. [00:05:51] Speaker A: Is that illegal? No, that's great. Thanks. [00:05:53] Speaker B: I was like, masturbation. Gonna go for it. [00:05:57] Speaker E: I'm gonna get a spicy note from Elena for me. [00:06:02] Speaker A: No. [00:06:02] Speaker E: Remember when you did your solo episode, you told me that it was spicy. [00:06:06] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, that's right. [00:06:07] Speaker E: So now this is. We're gonna have to, you know, demark this as spicy. [00:06:10] Speaker A: Now spicy. I need to put a little chili pepper. Yeah. [00:06:12] Speaker E: Caliente episode. [00:06:14] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:06:14] Speaker B: Just because I said master. [00:06:16] Speaker A: I don't know. [00:06:18] Speaker B: All right. Hi. [00:06:20] Speaker E: Dear queer, I'm struggling to find my person. All of my friends are coupled up, and I go on lots of dates, but I'm just not finding someone. People are often interested in going on dates with me, but when it comes to anything long term, I think I'm too much of a feelings guy too soon. How do I attract the right person who will appreciate my sensitive side? [00:06:39] Speaker A: How did you get my letter? Lauren. Kidding. Joking. I did not write that. But the whole time I was thinking of saying that joke ever since one sentence. [00:06:53] Speaker B: I actually don't know what you said. Yeah. [00:06:57] Speaker A: Oh, my God. [00:06:58] Speaker E: Okay, well, I think Dev is in the literal hot seat. What should Ilana do? [00:07:03] Speaker B: I mean, dear listener, I don't know, maybe this is bad advice, but just be who you are. If you're a feelings boy, be a feelings boy. I think investigating and questioning whether that is out of a place of, like, trying to push something or a desire to have something filled that you're not getting elsewhere is like, a useful investigation to have. But also, I don't know, like, if that's who you are and that's how you approach intimacy, then I guess just be patient and you will find someone who mirrors that, or the right person will find that in you and. And be okay with it or love it. But also, I think that with anything in life, when we try to force things, it usually doesn't go well. And when you kind of relinquish control and allow things to happen, things become easier. So I think maybe not overthinking it. And if you really like someone and you're on date too, just be like, oh, what a pleasure it is to get to know this person. And how cool will it be if this develops? But I'm not going to rest my head on it. I'm just going to let it be. [00:08:09] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah, I agree. I think that's smart. It's like the kind of the first part that you said about investigating the nature of the emotions, like, if it is from a place of insecurity or trying to speed things up, I think that is really smart, because sometimes that is where it's coming from, like a loneliness or. Yeah, you're trying to accelerate it into something that it's just not ready to be yet. Or if it's just a feelings guy, in terms of, you express yourself a lot and how you're feeling, and that might just scare people away who are not the right people anyways, because they. They're not comfortable, for whatever reason, with you expressing yourself. So, yeah, I think that was good advice. [00:08:48] Speaker E: Deb, at what point do you. Do you start ruling out the feelings, the big feelings? [00:08:53] Speaker A: Oh, that's gotta. That's gotta be a little while. [00:08:57] Speaker E: Yeah, that's gotta be a little while. [00:08:59] Speaker B: I think. [00:09:00] Speaker A: Okay. [00:09:00] Speaker B: For me, I think it's more about three things. I think it's like, I'm ready. One, are you investigating those feelings and ensuring that they're authentic? Two, is the other person mirroring the feelings that you have in an authentic way? And three, are you listening to the cues within the dynamic between the two of you and not the external cues or external pressures? And I think if you can honestly say two weeks in three dates, in that, you're like, whoa, I have huge feelings, but this person is mirroring those feelings back to me, and I feel like my feelings are authentic, and they seem to be authentically in touch with their feelings and are giving me only red or, sorry, only green flags. Green flags then express them, because there's. I don't know. Our first date was an entire weekend, and by the end of the weekend, we were writing each other little stupid love notes and being, like, not saying I love you, but, like, little cutesy notes and being like, I texted Lauren, I miss you. [00:10:05] Speaker A: Right. [00:10:06] Speaker B: And we only spent three days together, but it was like, that was our first date, so it's like, I think that that's okay because of the dynamic that we'd created within this little vacuum of our space, if you know, you know? But it's also like, yeah, people. I definitely feel like people have a tendency to, like, create a future with someone in their head and then, like, be shocked when it doesn't transpire. But it's like, I think that's what the questioning of yourself and the other person is. [00:10:39] Speaker E: Like, it. Yeah. All right, one more for you ready? [00:10:44] Speaker B: Ready. [00:10:46] Speaker E: How do I tell a friend in my queer friend group that. That I'm interested in them? Friends and dating always seem to overlap for me, and I don't want to be the pervy friend who only goes for folks in our group, but I have always really liked this person, and they are, for the first time in a while, not dating anyone. [00:11:09] Speaker A: Sorry, I laughed right into the mic there. [00:11:11] Speaker B: That's all right. We've said pervy and masturbation on this episode. [00:11:18] Speaker A: Check, check. [00:11:18] Speaker B: Chili pep. [00:11:21] Speaker A: Okay, so they don't want to be the pervy friend, but they have a crush, and tight. [00:11:25] Speaker E: Like, opportunity is upon them. Upon them. [00:11:31] Speaker A: I feel like I'm the wrong person to ask this question. [00:11:33] Speaker B: Why? What would you do? [00:11:34] Speaker A: I don't know. I feel like. No. And I feel like. I feel like I'm always kind of careful. Yeah, about that. It's tough and a lot more. A lot. I don't know. I just feel like there's people who are way more comfortable with it. [00:11:52] Speaker E: Yeah. There's some people who are so good at, like, oh, maybe we'll be friends. Maybe we'll be, you know, more than friends and can, like, walk into that and out of it very well. Yeah, I don't know that I'm one of those people. [00:12:04] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:12:05] Speaker E: Do you date in a friend group? [00:12:08] Speaker B: Now I know. No, I've. The only, like, relationships I've been in have been someone that I met. I mean, that's not entirely true. Most of the time, it's someone that I meet, and then they become the friend, like they are in the friend group because we're dating. That's entirely different. I guess my first big adult relationship after my high school relationship was with someone who was in my friend group, and I think it just became self evident. I think that what my advice would be is, I think you only feel pervy, perhaps because you maybe are flirting and not getting it back, or you're giving energy, and then the person's giving you friendship. And I think if there's a mutual crush, it will just transpire into flirtiness, and then one of you will have the conversation. But, like, I don't know. Maybe I'm too careful, but, like, I would never initiate a conversation about that with someone without thinking they have a crush on me. Like, they. I know that they're flirting with me. [00:13:18] Speaker A: Right. [00:13:19] Speaker B: I'm aware that they are interested, and we are both not. Neither one of us is saying it, like, tag your it. I'm gonna say something. [00:13:27] Speaker A: Right. [00:13:27] Speaker B: That is the only situation in which I would do that, and that's what I did in that other dynamic. [00:13:32] Speaker A: So this person should not be afraid to kind of test that flirtiness. Yeah. [00:13:37] Speaker B: Do it. [00:13:37] Speaker A: And then. And then if they feel affirmed in that, they could potentially broach them or ask them out or something, I think. [00:13:45] Speaker E: Also, if you can do it in not, like a. Like, if you can do it in a way that doesn't seem like you're really going out of your way to do it, maybe try and find a way to put yourself in a situation where it's just the two of you. Or, like. Like, can you walk them to the subway or try and find those more one on one moment? [00:14:06] Speaker B: Yeah, I think that's a good idea, because I think that there are things that we. There's intimacy in friendships, but I don't know. There are few people in my life who I would be like. Like, few friends in my life who I would be like, oh, let me drive you to the airport or let me walk you, like, to your mom's house for dinner or, like, whatever. That kind of thing. [00:14:31] Speaker A: So some gestures. [00:14:33] Speaker B: I think that those friends that I do do that with are family to me. They're like people that I take care of in a different type of way. And I think that, not to hire Kai's friendship, but it's just a different intimacy of how we know each other. We're there in the day to day life of things. Right. And I think that if that friend that you have a crush on is not that type of friend, like, doing little things like that, that could maybe have the person be like, whoa, that's, like, very nice. Like, why are they maybe doing that? Make them be like, maybe they have a crush on me, and then maybe strike the flirt, you know, like, just offering nice things like that. [00:15:09] Speaker E: I mean, I think that's what I did to you. [00:15:11] Speaker B: What did you do to me? [00:15:14] Speaker A: Oh, do we need another pepper here? [00:15:16] Speaker B: Spicy. [00:15:16] Speaker A: Spicy. Yeah. [00:15:18] Speaker E: I remember Haley, like, kind of joking about you'd left something in my car after we went on, like, a hike with porter or something like that. And I went out of my way to drive it to you and then dropped you a birthday card. [00:15:30] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:15:31] Speaker E: And, like, so it was a little. [00:15:32] Speaker B: More than I would do. Yeah. We were quote unquote friends, but I left my sunglasses in Lauren's car, and Lauren lived in Hyde park, and I lived in the east end. And for non toronto people, you don't just drop something off in the east end when you live in Hyde park. Far. And so the fact that Lauren drove during the middle of the workday to drop just my sunglasses off when I was like, I don't really need them. [00:15:59] Speaker A: Lauren's like, it's a sunny day. [00:16:00] Speaker B: I was like, sweetie, it's February. [00:16:03] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:16:03] Speaker E: Sewing on a weekend trip. [00:16:04] Speaker B: I know, but it was February. You had a crush on me, and you wanted to bring me my glasses, which is cute, but, yeah, it works. [00:16:11] Speaker A: I'm just saying it works. [00:16:11] Speaker B: But friends, like, not all friends do that. Yeah, I love my friends, but I wouldn't drive to the east end to drop off a pair of sunglasses on a week's day. [00:16:19] Speaker E: I would say this person needs to. [00:16:19] Speaker B: Just find, like, a little. [00:16:21] Speaker E: I mean, I love the gesture, so. [00:16:22] Speaker B: Yeah, you're a big act of the gesture. Acts of service or whatever. [00:16:26] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:16:27] Speaker B: Okay, great. Let's go. Anything else we want to talk about? [00:16:31] Speaker E: I think we actually nailed those questions, so good job, everyone. Should we make this a regular episode? [00:16:38] Speaker B: A question corner? [00:16:39] Speaker E: Thanks for joining us on Dear Queer. [00:16:41] Speaker B: Deb, thanks for having me. I love it here. [00:16:45] Speaker A: Come back soon. [00:16:47] Speaker C: Bye bye. [00:16:50] Speaker E: This has been another episode of Dear Queer. [00:16:52] Speaker F: Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts, who we will bring in from time to time. Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan. Produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host, as always, Elena Papianis. [00:17:08] Speaker B: I'm getting that. Nice.