Reciprocity in Relationships

[00:00:00] Speaker A: If someone lets you know their needs and you're not inclined to want to do better, you kind of know that they're not the person for you or the dog for you or what it is because your motivations aren't there. [00:00:13] Speaker B: If you have a question, I love you, you can simply ask. The Cambridge dictionary defines reciprocity as behavior in which two people or groups of people give each other help and advantages. But the issue of reciprocity can feel more complicated than this in romantic relationships, when two people might have different expectations of one another and different ideas of what reciprocity is and looks like. Today on Dear Queer, we're talking about giving and taking in relationships. And once again, we have our wonderful guest co host on Nick Rovers, which we're very excited about. [00:01:09] Speaker A: Thank you so much for having me back. I also am very excited. [00:01:13] Speaker C: Who wants to start? It's such a. A broad category. [00:01:17] Speaker B: I don't know. Has it been on your mind lately? [00:01:21] Speaker A: I guess in ways just comparing things, like throughout daily life when you're in a situation or a moment, and you can compare it to things from the past, whether it be 15 years ago, a couple of years ago, whatever it is, and just like, oh, man, things are way different. And it just makes you see relationships in such a different light. And seeing what I used to do and get back versus what I am now doing and getting back. You make those direct comparisons every day. So I just feel. I mean, personally now, I feel I'm getting so much more reciprocity in this current relationship I'm in than any other relationship I've been in. [00:01:57] Speaker B: Right? [00:01:57] Speaker A: And I'm like, oh, this is what I was looking for. And you don't know until you've kind of experienced it, right? [00:02:06] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:02:06] Speaker B: And it probably makes you look back too. And have you been in this situation where it's almost like the other person gets used to you just giving and so then they even start to give less and less. And then you give more and more. It's like the balance starts to even get more imbalanced, feed forward in the. [00:02:25] Speaker A: Way you don't want it to be, even though you're putting in more effort. Maybe you're getting the opposite response for sure, but I think it's more so just learning more about yourself and what you're doing. And that's what I'm comparing here is I'm looking back at Nick ten years ago or twelve or 15 years ago or whatever, and comparing what he used to do in relationships. And that's where I can see it a lot more as well. [00:02:48] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:02:48] Speaker C: You may not have even known what to ask for. And I think when you're in a relationship where the give and take feels really healthy, I think that can be really great. And then you can look back on relationships and be like, oh, it wasn't there, but it was like, maybe you weren't compatible in the ways that you showed up for each other or something like that. It's sometimes not that necessarily could be that a person's just take taker. It's just we give in such different ways. I don't know if we should get into this, but maybe. I think love languages is, like, in a way that people kind of understand that kind of what they want, what they need. [00:03:28] Speaker B: True. Yeah. In the sense that sometimes people are giving in the way that they like to give, but the person receiving might not see it totally. [00:03:41] Speaker C: If someone really needs all of those words of affirmation and their person's just showing up with flowers and chocolates, little acts of service or things like that, then it may feel like it's imbalanced. [00:03:54] Speaker B: Right. [00:03:55] Speaker A: I've learned rather recently that I just thought love language is like, yeah, that's your love language, and that's what you're into. And then I've learned, furthermore, like, you go in and what you like to give isn't always what you want to receive or what you're more prone to just give. You're like, oh, but that's not what I want to receive back, and people might think I do. So I've learned about, like, you have love languages for giving and for receiving. [00:04:18] Speaker B: That's a good point. [00:04:19] Speaker A: That's a big one. I learned rather recently, like, you might. [00:04:21] Speaker B: Like gift giving, but you might be really uncomfortable receiving 100% little gift. [00:04:25] Speaker C: Oh, I'm that. [00:04:26] Speaker B: Yeah, see, yeah, you can be really thoughtful in giving, but then you feel uncomfortable. [00:04:32] Speaker C: Don't buy me things. [00:04:33] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:04:34] Speaker A: And even with my partner now, Josh, he loves words of affirmation and touch, but the main love language I get, like, a big, huge one I get from him is acts of service, because he just loves taking care of people, especially me. So it's like, oh, I'll do these things back for him. And I'm like, oh, he really just needs to be squeezed or touched or hugged or he really needs some nice, kind words, like cute things throughout the day. And I'm like, okay, you have to reframe those. [00:05:00] Speaker B: They have to be translators in a way, like the languages. Yeah, no, I mean, it is the. [00:05:05] Speaker A: Way you be reciprocal is their love language. How do you reciprocate something like, you're reciprocating love, not necessarily the exact language. Right. [00:05:15] Speaker B: Yeah. So this is a different dynamic. But one thing I've had to learn as a mother with my daughter is this, too, in the sense that learning how to love someone the way they want to be loved, if it was up to me, I would be walking around probably in a permanent hug with her. But she doesn't love physical affection, especially kids, too. [00:05:41] Speaker C: They get embarrassed or like. [00:05:43] Speaker B: Yeah. And so it's really about recognizing that I can't just do that. And if anything, the more I do that, the more that would push her away. And, in fact, the more I can acknowledge the space she needs, then she's more likely to come to me for it. [00:06:03] Speaker A: I think that just the fact that she knows that it's always there if she needs it is a really safe thing. [00:06:07] Speaker B: Right. [00:06:08] Speaker A: Because I know, for example, my dad, my boyfriend, and just other people I've run into, I was smothered as a kid with love always getting touched. My mom's very hugs me all the time and just kisses my face. And my dad and Josh didn't get a lot of that growing up, and it was the thing they craved. And my dad made sure I got a lot of it because he didn't get it. So I think it's really nice that your daughter can be like, okay, I don't want it right now, but I know it's there. And that's really. [00:06:33] Speaker B: I like. I like hearing that. Thank you. [00:06:35] Speaker C: Yeah, that's why we bring Nick here. [00:06:38] Speaker B: Yeah, thanks. I needed that. [00:06:41] Speaker C: I think, too, it speaks to playing to our individual strengths. Like, I might be battling mount laundry on the weekly here, and Dev makes. [00:06:55] Speaker B: Me cute lunches, and so it's like. [00:07:00] Speaker C: The last thing they want to do is fold things. But I'm like, no, actually, I don't love. [00:07:06] Speaker B: But you can get into a rhythm. [00:07:07] Speaker A: Or we can have favorite chores. [00:07:08] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:07:12] Speaker C: It's just kind of finding that balance in who's good at what and kind of playing to it. [00:07:18] Speaker B: Yeah. And then there's the issue of emotional labor, which came up with me more in straight dynamics, especially if there is any child rearing involved. But that kind of. I mean, there's studies that show that even in straight relationships, when things are quite equal, generally, once they have a kid, an imbalance starts to grow. And it usually is in that emotional labor aspect of doing that kind of extra child rearing stuff, or just almost like, thinking on behalf of the partner in order to set them up for success, because it's for your child, so you don't want them to fail because then your child suffers in some way, so you end up doing the extra labor there. [00:08:12] Speaker C: I guess we're lucky in that sense that if you're in a same gendered relationship, then everything's on the table. The baseline is communicating it. There's no assumed this or that. [00:08:28] Speaker B: It's all up for grant. [00:08:29] Speaker C: Kind of a gift. [00:08:30] Speaker B: It is, actually is. Yeah. [00:08:32] Speaker A: I think it always comes down to just, like, natural affinities towards doing the things that need to be done. And in a relationship, you'll find who gravitates more towards doing something to help the other one. And that could be even an emotional labor. Like, someone just wants to really show up and take their kid to the practices and do all that stuff because they're interested in seeing it play out, whereas someone else might be too busy or not want to do that, but they show up in their ways as well, so you find your grooves and where works for both of you, working towards the greater good of making your kid happy. [00:09:04] Speaker B: Absolutely. Yeah. [00:09:05] Speaker A: Saying that as a non parent, I'm assuming that's what happens. [00:09:09] Speaker C: We're going to do a parenting hour with you, Nick. [00:09:11] Speaker A: Oh, yes. [00:09:12] Speaker B: Anyway, we didn't tell you about that. [00:09:13] Speaker A: If it's on cats, I got it. [00:09:15] Speaker B: Yeah, we did have one. I asked some of our listeners what reciprocity meant to them, and one person did say mutual effort and mutual care, not symmetry, which I found I thought was a really good point, because it's also not always possible for us to all be functioning at 100%. And sometimes you're at 20, and thank God Josh can be at 80 for that time being, and then vice versa when need be. [00:09:45] Speaker A: Right. [00:09:46] Speaker B: But that idea of, like, it doesn't have to be symmetrical, but it has to be mutual in the fact that you're both giving what you can and what you need to. [00:09:54] Speaker C: Yeah, I think, too, we talk about a lot in our relationship is giving each other the benefit of the doubt. And so when your partner is at 20, or whatever the case may be, that you're like, oh, I know, they want to get to 50 or 100. [00:10:11] Speaker A: They wish they were. [00:10:12] Speaker C: They wish they were, but maybe that's not today. But we know where each other's intentions lie and that we want the best for each other and aren't trying to show up poorly, even though we're exhausted or overworked or whatever it is. Yeah. [00:10:27] Speaker A: And to your comment about symmetry, I think that's the number one way that kids on a playground saying, that's not fair, and I did this, and they're expected to do this. That's the number one way to fail, is that each person has to put in exactly 50% because it's so measurable. If you did half of a task and you're waiting on that other half. [00:10:44] Speaker B: Right. [00:10:44] Speaker A: So, personally speaking, I'm not the best cook. I don't have patience for it. Josh just dices an onion in a couple of seconds, it seems like. And he just whips up dinner so fast. I'm like, leave every dish. I will clean. I will do the spraying at the end and the disinfectant, and the kitchen's clean after, because I like doing that more than cooking. And he likes cooking, and he's better at it. So that's part of that finding the groove thing I talk about as well. Perfect symmetry, I think, is a plan of failure. [00:11:11] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:11] Speaker C: And I think it's going to set you up to bring in resentment. I think there's nothing worse than if your partner, or regardless of what type of relationship it is, if you're keeping track and you're worried about finding that 50 50 or 100 100, then you're in trouble. [00:11:29] Speaker A: Make it not measurable. Just make it love based. [00:11:34] Speaker C: Yeah. A friend of mine always says that it's not 100 100 or. Well, I'm going to butcher this. [00:11:43] Speaker B: Can we phone a friend? [00:11:44] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:11:45] Speaker B: Amanda. Right in. Tell us your words. [00:11:49] Speaker C: Well, shall we try and do a little listener cue? [00:11:53] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:11:57] Speaker C: Okay. This is something we've already touched on a little bit. But do relationships have to be equitable? It's very broad. [00:12:05] Speaker A: Yeah. Equitable. Yeah. Because my definition or my understanding of equitable is everyone benefits and gains, and it's how one gains isn't always equal. Like, someone might need more of one thing for it to be enough for them. And that's exactly your point of the non symmetry thing. Show up for people where we know we need. Like, I don't need a ton of words of affirmation. Sometimes they can make me feel a little uncomfortable, especially if they're from strangers or something. But Josh loves it. So I'm like, okay, it's not my go to to do that for people, but I will do that. So you have to make it equitable, because that's how the other person gets happy. [00:12:41] Speaker C: Leave it to nick to just take a broad question and just cut right to it. [00:12:45] Speaker B: So good. I love it. [00:12:48] Speaker C: What if someone is feeling, though, like they're showing up and really giving, giving. And maybe they are in a mismatched relationship and they have a partner who's on the take. How do you look out for that? Or maybe protect yourself from that or advocate, I guess. [00:13:08] Speaker B: I think it's important from the start to be an overgiver because that can set you up for that unequitable dynamic. And also as a recovering people pleaser, that is very much a natural tendency. Or like, I understand that it is kind of a manipulation in a way that giving, giving or being really nice. Really nice. Because the hope there is that you will make yourself indispensable in some way to that person, or like, you'll insert yourself in this fundamental way in their. [00:13:46] Speaker A: Life, so there's no chance. [00:13:47] Speaker B: Yeah. And then they'll need you or something. [00:13:50] Speaker C: It's love bombing. [00:13:51] Speaker B: Yeah. And then you end up resenting if they don't. Or you're like, but I was so this, and I was so that you have to go in slow and what's appropriate for the level of the relationship or how much you know that person. You can't be over giving. You've got to give and see if things are reciprocated or just see if there's something equitable going on or not. [00:14:16] Speaker C: Yeah. And I think that's why too, with dating, there are phases of relationships. Oftentimes people, at the beginning of a relationship, there's so much excitement. But I think a lot of the time, people can be on their best behavior and they're going out of their way to show you to do this, to do that. And so I think keeping an eye out for when those things wane or what that looks like over the course of a month or multiple months, and. [00:14:43] Speaker B: Recognizing, like, is this sustainable? Is this real? Is this sustainable? Is this a long term thing or is this a bomb? [00:14:52] Speaker C: I've got another question. [00:14:54] Speaker A: Okay. [00:14:56] Speaker C: My girlfriend and I have mismatched love language is I love receiving words of affirmation, but my partner is a big acts of service person. I love when they do sweet things for me, but how do I get them to be more aligned with what I like to receive? [00:15:12] Speaker A: I can build that one because that's exactly my relationship. I love doing things to make Josh's life easier, because he's very busy and it just helps make things peaceful. But he sometimes just wants those words encouraging. My answer is encouraging Josh to let me know when he needs. So that's. I got my train of thought back, back from the other point you were making is if you are over giving, over giving, be honest with yourself and then start intentionally being, I don't want to use the word selfish, but start asking for more things that you need back to make it to kind of level it out. So in my example, I encourage Josh to ask me for more words of affirmation, or I need you to say something, and I'm happy to. And then it kind of primes me to more readily, even if that's not my first go to. So being open and honest about what you need in that moment, even if you don't say it all the time. But as you get to those vulnerable points where, like, man, I could really use that love language, just be open and honest about it. And don't be afraid to ask this person, because this is. [00:16:13] Speaker C: It's the cheat code. [00:16:14] Speaker A: Yes. [00:16:14] Speaker C: Like, give your partner the cheat codes. If you like something, tell them. And when they do it, praise them. [00:16:22] Speaker B: And, yeah, set them up for success. [00:16:25] Speaker A: We do it with friends easily, and I think most of our big relationships really are with friends because we don't date when we're nine. But you learn give and take in friendships as well. And if you find you're really going above and beyond for that one friend, you're probably going to let it fizzle. So do the same approach with romantic relationships and don't over. Give and over. [00:16:48] Speaker C: Yeah. It's a good point that these things all apply to all types of relationships, not just romantic. Equity and friendships is important. And we all have those friends who we feel like know go out of our way to show up and this and that. And those relationships, I find if it's not reciprocated, they're just not know if I know if Nick and I make plans and one of us doesn't show, or there's a reason, because we have such a consistent history and know where each other stand and they're there. [00:17:23] Speaker A: An outlier will always be an outlier because we know exactly our intentions in the friendship. [00:17:27] Speaker C: Oh, we're on housework here. My partner can't do a dish to save their life. And sometimes I just feel the resentment building up inside me, even though I don't mind doing them most of the time. How do I not blow up on them after not telling them? I'd like it if they did the dishes. [00:17:45] Speaker B: You two will have to answer, because I do all the dishes in my house. [00:17:48] Speaker A: Yeah, fair. It kind of comes back to my previous point of, I jump in on dishes because I know that I'm quick at it, I'm thorough. I do it to my own anal retentive specs that I like. And if I'm like, oh, I have to do dishes again, or, oh, sink full of dishes, I guess I'm on that. I always think, and I'll list the things like, what aren't I doing? [00:18:10] Speaker B: No. [00:18:11] Speaker A: If we make it about when your siblings don't do the chores they're supposed to, and you did this, and you just go to complain to your parents, don't make it about that. Just make a list of all the things that they do for you. And if that list is very sparse, okay. Get resentful, but try to reframe it in that it doesn't have to be the dishes that your partner needs to do, but to be like, hey, I'm noticing I'm doing the dishes a lot. Every time the litter box needs change, do you mind jumping on that? I know my best friends, their relationship. They have very much divided tasks, and they don't change weekly. That is their wheelhouse in the relationship to, you always take care of this. [00:18:48] Speaker B: Yeah, that's a good point. Rather than looking at it as a lack, unless there is genuinely, like, a huge imbalance. But like you said, you do the dishes. Maybe this person does the dishes while the other person is doing the laundry, or you're doing the dishes knowing that Josh just made the dinner. So that's a give and take, right? [00:19:04] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:19:04] Speaker A: And it's. It's just assumed and communicated. It's not so much like we have to, oh, you're making dinner. Like, it's just he swoops in and does it, and I swoop in and does it. And you get to that point of comfort in knowing that you're both doing what you need to do to get the job done. These are all about. I'm noticing, like, chores and tasks and stuff. But what about people's feelings on reciprocity in deepest love based feelings? What makes it super successful in that? [00:19:32] Speaker C: Yeah. How do you know a relationship is equitable? [00:19:38] Speaker B: This is a really good question, and I am the wrong person to answer. I've historically been in the giving position, I guess, and have not always been good at detecting that it's at an imbalanced place or I've done the thing where it is, and then I try to give more, hoping that's going to make up the difference or try and. [00:20:06] Speaker C: Show them what you want. [00:20:07] Speaker B: Yeah. And I've also been afraid to ask for things that I need in the past too, so that obviously hasn't helped. [00:20:17] Speaker C: Knowing that. Does that influence how you date now? [00:20:20] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, I used to go in with that, overdoing it, over giving right from the start as this kind of way to speed things up or make myself kind of more important in that person's life or whatever. So, yeah, I'm definitely like, put the brakes on myself or just recognize that if that's my tendency, that's not what I should be doing and looking for people who are also thoughtful and willing to give and warm in that kind of sense. So, yeah, definitely. It's on my mind. It's on my mind constantly. No, I'm kidding. [00:21:05] Speaker A: I've heard the saying, like, if they wanted to, they would for years. And it's always just been like, oh, yeah, that's a thing that people say or think. But in recent years, just being that's been at the forefront of my mind a lot. And I always think I'm like, okay. And I catch myself, if I wanted to, I would too. And just always be honest with yourself and you'll find people that want to. So if you find that you're saying that to yourself and you're getting a negative feeling about it, maybe you move on. You try being open and honest about it first because maybe they're just at a 20 and you need them a 50 50 on certain things. But I think be honest and don't be afraid to admit it to yourself. And then you can get the relationship you want because it might just be that they don't want to or they are looking for another parent away from home. And that's where the whole, like, I'm not your mom, I'm not going to do all these things for you. You'll find people, I know a good one to talk about Lauren, just in a friendship is Lauren shows up, comes to your house, treats, presents, gifts, a cute little thing very much like does the most for people. And I've learned that about Lauren. I'm like, oh, I'm going to do a little bit extra. It makes me want to kind of match the energy and be better in that way. And it also makes me respect Lauren more because I know that Lauren has asked me for things or is not afraid to delegate as well. So it's like, oh, you want to do this, but you're not going to get walked. It's, and it's the difference of, I know you called yourself a people pleaser in the podcast before, and I was like, I'm like, okay, I can see why you would think that. I don't think you're as lay down and take it as a lot of people pleasers might admit to be. So, yeah, that was my takeaway from you saying you were a people pleaser, because I think you're very well adjusted on how much you want to do for people. [00:22:52] Speaker C: Thank you. [00:22:53] Speaker B: But maybe you used to do that more in romantic relationships, like the people pleasing, and then now you recognize that you're like, hey, this is a friendship that I really care about, and I know what he likes, and I think about these things that he's going to like. So I bring this over. So it's part of growing that relationship, you do know is reciprocal, for sure. [00:23:13] Speaker C: And each relationship is different. With Nick, it's like, yeah, the limit doesn't exist. We know we're always going to. [00:23:21] Speaker B: And even if it's one week, one week you doing more for him, another week, when you need him, he's going to be there. [00:23:28] Speaker C: I think reciprocity or acts of service or our different love language, there's different seasons of them. And that's some of the most beautiful things about, I mean, Nick and my friendship goes, can it vote yet? Wow. Yes, it can vote going on 18 years. And so over the course of that amount of time, you build up this trust and knowing and, yeah, it's okay if you're able to meet them wherever they're at in relationships. I mean, those have been much shorter term for me, but it's definitely been really fun to be in a relationship now where I don't have to think about those things as much because I do feel more similar to what I've learned from relationships, like the one I have with nake or different family members and things like that, that when someone does want to show up and find the things that work for you. [00:24:29] Speaker A: Yeah. The big difference, I even noticed in my own comment as well, is that this is a friendship versus a romantic relationship. And romantic relationships, we might set aside some of ourselves a little bit more readily and do those things and fit in those boxes to please the person more. And with a friendship, there's still high stakes, but you don't lose yourself as much, maybe, but comes down to having the right expectations for what you want based on what you're giving, what you want to receive back. And the number one word I saw in a video as well is, like, consideration is, like, the number one metric of seeing if a relationship will be successful. And I'm just like, that's what I was realizing, that Lauren is very considerate. It'll be like, oh, by the way, there's this concert you love. We're going. You're free. I already have tickets for, like, I feel very considered in this friendship with Lauren, and it's also in this relationship with just. I've never felt more considered and truly just cared about and noticed and loved. [00:25:32] Speaker B: That's a really good way to put it, that notion of consideration. Yeah. Because then feeling seen or thought about in the decisions that your partner is making about things, are you included? Are they thinking of you when they're planning their time out? Even if, like, in whatever way is the fact that you feel like you've been considered? I really like that. Yeah. [00:25:54] Speaker C: I think, too, as your friend and knowing that Josh is such a considerate person, the amount of ease it brings when our people are in relationships where, you know, their partners or even their inner circle or their friends have their back is just. What a relief. [00:26:14] Speaker A: Yeah. It's a sense of peace, for sure. Any decision you make in a relationship with someone, you can probably think, is there a way that this decision could be a little bit more considerate? I'm sure you could always think of a way that it could be more considerate, and then that would be a good compass to steer towards as well, if you truly care about that person. So that's a big word I've been keeping in my mind lately, is consider that person, keep the decisions a dialogue, as opposed to just making them yourself and just go that extra step to consider them. [00:26:43] Speaker B: I love that. Yeah. Brooklyn is being very considered right now. Just like, what? [00:26:50] Speaker C: I don't know. [00:26:51] Speaker B: It's funny. [00:26:51] Speaker C: Yeah, we laugh about it, but if we don't show up for even in our animals, if Brooklyn needs a walk and know, been late or whatever, Brooklyn will let me know. And I actually appreciate that. I'm like, oh, you need a walk. Let me give you this thing that it's such, like a simple thing, but it's all of our relationships. There's this give and take and play of meeting each other's needs and showing up for one another. [00:27:19] Speaker B: You can see people's attachment styles sometimes in their relationships, to their animals. [00:27:26] Speaker A: Yes. [00:27:27] Speaker B: More, yes. I've been there where my dog, who passed away last year, gus, he was, like, the sweetest dog and so in tune with me. And just always, like, there'd be times I'd be in the living room and I'd say to my daughter, I'm like, is he staring at me right now? And she's like, yes. I'd be trying. Not because he was just like, mom, just trying to do something with me. I could just feel his eyes burning into my soul, always asking. He had a little walk button that he'd press when he wanted to go for walks, but we'd just come home from a walk, and then he'd press it and kind of look at me and be like, yeah. He'd be like, can we again? I would do anything for him. I put his needs very much first. But at a certain point, there'd be times when actually, it was a learning lesson for me, too, because, let's say I was gone for a long time, and then I'd come home and I was just like, I really need to eat, and I know you really need a walk. And maybe early on, when I had him, I'd, like, do the walk first, and then later on, I was like, dude, I need to eat. And then I will be good, and my needs will be met, and we will go for a better walk because I will mask on first. Exactly right. And so that was like a learning curve. But I've seen some people's dynamics with their animals where clearly the owner's needs are first, and it's like, I'll deal with you way later. And that felt like a very different dynamic than what I had with my dog. [00:29:05] Speaker C: There should be a dating show where you get to watch people with their dogs. There's something here. [00:29:10] Speaker B: Yeah, there is definitely something. [00:29:13] Speaker A: Think. [00:29:13] Speaker C: Or pets, animals in general. [00:29:15] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:15] Speaker A: I think when even in that story where Brooklyn will come to you and let you know, you're learning more about Brooklyn's needs, and then you respect them more, but it's because you want to and you consider Brooklyn and you love. So I think if someone lets you know their needs and you're not inclined to want to do better, you kind of know that they're not the person for you or the dog for you, or what it is, because your motivations aren't there. So it's a big thing for me. You learn to respect people more when the reciprocity is happening, you learn, okay, I know more about them. I feel more empowered, and I respect them for showing me. That's a sign of healthy relationships that I've always come back to. [00:29:57] Speaker C: I don't know how Brooklyn knows this, but we'll go out on the weekend, and Brooklyn is very routine. Loves to get up in the morning, whatever. And somehow it's probably because we come home late. But when she lets us sleep in after a night out or something, like, I. I love her so much. Keep it up, Brooks. [00:30:20] Speaker B: But, yeah, that's a good point that you make too there about being able to own what you need. Being able to do that shows that you know what you need, and it shows that you know you deserve to have that need. [00:30:36] Speaker A: Know your worth. Well, yeah, because you're in the relationship, too. It should be very much about making your life more joyful. And just as much as you want to make their life more joyful, you should be getting the exact same kind of vibes about that as well. [00:30:50] Speaker B: Thanks for this therapy session, guys. I really needed it. [00:30:54] Speaker C: Of course. [00:30:55] Speaker A: Dear Queer. [00:30:57] Speaker C: This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts, who we will bring in from time to time. Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan. Produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host, as always, Elena Papianas. [00:31:15] Speaker B: I'm getting that.