Happy Holigays

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Happy one year. Dear Queer, Wow. [00:00:03] Speaker B: We just wanted to say thank you for a year of following us and help us to grow and learn and to gain more support and followers along the way, too. It's been amazing. [00:00:14] Speaker A: Yeah. So we are both looking back to an early episode. We did one early January on loneliness and we get into a little bit about what it's like going home for the holidays and being queer and just that queer Community piece. So we wanted to thank our community. [00:00:33] Speaker B: We hope you enjoyed this episode and if you are feeling lonely, that it gives you some relief or at least some understanding that not only are you not alone in that feeling, it's very common for queer folks, especially around the holidays. It's difficult to hang out with family. Sometimes we don't have family to hang out with and you're not alone in that. And we've also given you some tips in the episode on things you can do to feel less lonely and how to reach out to people. [00:01:00] Speaker A: Yeah, bring us with you and then we'll see you next year. We're going to be kicking off our 2025 season with some resolutions. [00:01:09] Speaker B: It's going to be so fresh. We're going to be so fresh. [00:01:15] Speaker A: If you have a question. [00:01:20] Speaker B: I love, you can simply ask your trust. Dear Queen, dear queen, 2023 has been a tough year for me. On the one hand, I was still recovering from COVID not the virus, but the lockdown. Going through it as a single parent to an only child was one of the most difficult phases of my life, and it hasn't been an immediate recovery. And more recently, I went through a breakup and then had a very sick dog to take care of and later make the heartbreaking decision to put down, all while trying to function as an adult and a mother. It was a lot to go through on my own, and I found myself feeling quite lonely at times. I almost didn't admit this, though, because I kind of hated the fact that I had dipped back into loneliness. I've done so much healing over the years to undo a narrative I developed from a young age where I equated being alone with being lonely. I first noticed it when I started having split custody of my daughter about a handful of years ago. After I'd drop her off with her dad, I'd return to the emptiness, not only in the house, but an emptiness I felt inside me. Up until that point, motherhood had meant that for years I was never alone, and I had taken some comfort in that feeling of always being needed. This recent dip back into loneliness worried Me, because I've actually come to love being alone, sometimes choosing it over seeing other people. But I've learned that loneliness is a very natural thing. Humans are wired for connection, even introverts like me, who can find a place to be alone even at the busiest party. This was one of the many lessons that Covid taught us, too. People can't live without people for too long. Our souls suffer. Just like the human body can't go without water for too long. People need connection with other people. Loneliness is just our brain's way of reminding us this and of telling us that our heart and soul can get a little thirsty, too. [00:03:38] Speaker A: I feel like I don't even know where to start with this one. You just shared so much. It was like, yeah, I'm at a loss. [00:03:50] Speaker B: Yeah, that's okay. I mean, it's been on my. Obviously, it's been on my mind. I feel more so in the last year because of all these things, because I even noticed when I was going through, like, for example, when my dog was sick and everything, there were just times when people made assumptions that I had a partner who was there. Like, oh, and like at the vet's office, literally, you know, I'm there with my sick dog alone, and the vet passes me, big estimate. It's like, well, you know, take a few minutes to talk it over. And I was just like, with who? Like, with my sick dog right here or with the invisible person beside me? You know, like, who is this invisible person you're imagining that I'm going to discuss this with? Because it's really just only me trying to figure this out. And. And just other instances where people made assumptions that I had some partner who was supporting me. And. And so it was moments like that that, I mean, I guess partly it's the assumption that is annoying in. In a. To a degree. And also, there's probably, like, there's tons of single people out there. It's not. It's a weird assumption to. To assume that you're. That you're partnered, but it just made me really notice the difference that it can make in your life when you're like, this would be not. I mean, easier. I'd feel more supported, whatever the words you want to use. If there was that person who, like, I didn't have to explain this to, like, I had people in my life, but you have to catch them up on everything, right? But if there's someone there who knows what you're going through, you're not catching them up because they know it. They See it, They're there. [00:05:22] Speaker A: They're in it. [00:05:23] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:05:23] Speaker A: I wonder with the people kind of assuming partner ness or that you have someone there, is it more for. So they feel, okay, there's a support system. Like what. I wonder what it says about. About loneliness and its effects on us, that people are trying to assume that you are not alone. [00:05:43] Speaker B: Right. So are you saying. You're almost wondering if people are worried that they would have some responsibility towards you if you don't have someone there? Yeah. [00:05:50] Speaker A: Or. Or maybe even just this underlining, understanding that, you know, I think, like, loneliness can, like the negative effects of it, and it's like, okay, you're already going through this loss. Oh, I hope you're also not feeling lonely. [00:06:07] Speaker B: Right. Yeah. I think loneliness, like I said, it truly kind of became more in my awareness when I no longer had my daughter as reliant on me. [00:06:22] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:06:23] Speaker B: And I think that's a pretty common thing for mothers to a certain degree, is this kind of. You lose yourself in motherhood a little bit, at least at the beginning, because they do need you all the time. I mean, there. Like I said, there was some comfort in that, probably because I liked that feeling on some subconscious level of. Of being needed. So that was this awareness where suddenly I'm like, oh, okay, this is me and it's only me now, and what am I gonna do with myself? And at first, it was quite a weird space because I wanted to fill it. [00:06:57] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:06:57] Speaker B: I wanted to fill it with other people. [00:06:59] Speaker A: You need. Yep. [00:07:00] Speaker B: It felt empty. And I. I've done a lot of reflecting on how from a young age, I really did equate being alone with being lonely. And I distinctively remember how I got this message. And I. There might have been other ways too, but I. I remember. So I'm a youngest child. My two older siblings are quite a bit older than me, so I'd often just be playing on my own and I'd be fine. But I remember my mom sometimes coming over and saying things like, oh, I wish you had been a twin. And then you would have had someone to play with. [00:07:33] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:07:34] Speaker B: And so I was getting the message that I was missing something, that there. That I should feel bad almost for myself because I'm alone. And so that had. That was a message that I. I think I really, you know, internalized. And it became this. This ongoing connection between being alone and being lonely. Whereas alone at its core is solitude. It can be a very peaceful place. [00:08:03] Speaker A: It can be like a. Yeah, we think there. There's other words on the Other side of that. It's like, oh, independence. Or if you're able to entertain yourself. And like, those are positive qualities. And yet it's just all in. In whose filter? It's coming through. Yeah, I think. And it's. I think it's interesting you touch on something about, you know, loneliness coming up when you, you know, were solo parenting and doing that type of thing. But I think there. I think people forget too that there is so much lonely. There can be at least so much loneliness in partnership or in group settings or like, I mean, you know, you talked about coming into your queerness and like, I'm sure there were times in that that felt super lonely when you were figuring it out on your own. And like, it doesn't just ne necessarily mean, like, physically being alone. [00:08:55] Speaker B: Yeah. Loneliness. Alone. Being alone is a fact. [00:08:58] Speaker A: Yes. [00:08:59] Speaker B: But loneliness is the feeling. [00:09:01] Speaker A: Right. [00:09:02] Speaker B: And it's a great distinction. They don't have to be one in the same, and they're not one and the same. But. And I guess the thing with loneliness is there's also such a stigma attached to it, which makes it hard for people to admit to it. [00:09:18] Speaker A: Right. [00:09:19] Speaker B: And to talk about it. But luckily it is in the news a lot lately. [00:09:22] Speaker A: Yeah. I feel like it's a lot more people are talking about it and it's. Do we. Is it. Is it more common or what do you. [00:09:29] Speaker B: I think there's just more conversation about it in the same way that we've opened up conversation about mental health in new ways in the. In the previous, you know, in these recent years than. Than there has been in the past. I think the same thing is happening with loneliness. And in fact, so I was. I heard a couple experts talking on the CBC about it very recently and. [00:09:48] Speaker A: Shout out to the CBC center. [00:09:52] Speaker B: And there's also now the WHO has designated loneliness as a global public health concern. And they even have an international commission on social connection that's being put together to research it and find solutions to the problem. If you remember the media personality and sex expert Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Yeah. Dr. Ruth. She is also New York, York's ambassador to loneliness now. [00:10:18] Speaker A: Oh, wow. [00:10:19] Speaker B: And it's, you know, somewhat an honorary role, but it's also really significant because it's bringing the issue of loneliness into the forefront, which, again, I think a lot of people don't want to admit they're lonely. I did find a survey too, from 2021. Statistics Canada found that more than 40% of Canadians feel lonely sometime or all of the time, with the problem worse among single People and those who live alone. [00:10:45] Speaker A: Okay. But, like, all these people are talking about it. There's tests. It's, you know, getting attention. But, like, what. Why is that a problem? Why is it so bad? I know it doesn't feel good. And like, this is kind of a. A basic question, but, like, what is. Like, what is it that is so detrimental? [00:11:04] Speaker B: Like, so it is. I find I found some facts kind of. Kind of surprising that I learned about its impact on us physically. And I don't. I. So I'm a bit. Almost hesitant to say these because it's one of those things where, for example, as someone who goes through bouts of insomnia, the worst thing for me sometimes is to listen to sleep experts tell me how bad it is for me that I don't sleep. So similarly, I don't want people to take this as like, oh, no, if I. If it has this negative effect on my health to be lonely, then, you know, this is gonna be terrible for me. Hopefully, if anything, it'll just be encouragement to reach out when you are feeling lonely. But it does increase some of our health risks. It is apparently this as for. For comparison, it increases the risk of premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. [00:11:58] Speaker A: Okay, this is a good time to say we are not experts. [00:12:01] Speaker B: Yes. And this is all taken from a report that I found. But, yes, it increases the risk of premature death. It's associated with increased risk of disease, including heart disease, risk of stroke, things like anxiety, depression, dementia, as well as susceptibility to viruses and respiratory illnesses. Overall, it's like, basically suppressing our. Our physiological functions and our immune system. Right. Which we know happens with a lot of mental health issues as well. Right. So it's. It's that brain body connection. And if anything, I think this is just more reason to recognize that it is a concern and that there are things we can do about it. [00:12:43] Speaker A: And I've got to imagine it goes back to our kind of, you know, animal instincts, I guess, of like, we are, you know, a species that needs that community connection. We pair up, we go. [00:12:59] Speaker B: Social bonding. [00:12:59] Speaker A: Yeah. Who we are queer community has been something that's been, like, so important in my life. And like, we. We just intrinsically seek those things out. [00:13:09] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:13:09] Speaker A: And so if you're getting those little loneliness pangs, it's like, oh, you need to increase that the same way as if you're tired or thirsty. It's like, oh, your body, totally water. It's like something about us as humans craves that connection. [00:13:23] Speaker B: Yes. [00:13:23] Speaker A: Even if we are introverted or any of that. Yeah. [00:13:26] Speaker B: And that's the reframing, I think, is so important. So the other thing I think that is making this conversation more. More applicable today is just the use of social media and technology that we have access to. You would think that we would feel more connected because we have more ways of connecting, but a lot of research shows that it's truly about the way we use those technologies. So, for example, if we are posting to social media in a way that's very kind of broadcasty. [00:13:55] Speaker A: Yep. [00:13:55] Speaker B: And just out to people, not, you know, very generalized, and it's not resulting in engagement with people in conversations, then that can make us feel more lonely than, for example, communicating in more targeted, personal ways on social media, like where you're actually connecting with people, having conversations with people, and also making plans to see people in real life. Because it can just feel. It can. It can increase feelings of isolation rather than resolve them. If we're not actually getting feelings of connection from the ways we're using technology. [00:14:32] Speaker A: Totally. I think I remember, and I don't know if this is. I think this could be technology related, but I remember I was going to school in New York and I remember being on the subway a lot and feeling like, oh, I'm in this busy place, but I didn't really know anyone. And that, like, I never felt more alone than in this big city. And it's like you look around on the subway or whatever and everyone's just on their phones. And so the technology, I think, is also a barrier because it gives you a place to tune out instead of, you know, tuning in and looking around and, you know, maybe having that glance or engaging with, you know, the people who are around you. [00:15:07] Speaker B: And it's also a distraction for those feelings. Feeling of feeling lonely or feeling isolated. We can still feel like we're being entertained or we're looking at something and that's occupying our brains, you know, momentarily. But exactly like you said, it doesn't lead to feelings of connection. If anything, it distracts us from feelings of not being connected. [00:15:29] Speaker A: Right. Well, shall we dive into some questions? [00:15:32] Speaker B: Yes. [00:15:33] Speaker A: Okay, start. Hi there. I came out as a lesbian during the pandemic and have begun meeting lots of queer folks in my community. There are so many clubs and organizations these days. It's amazing. I'm always meeting new people, but I still feel like I'm just catching up after coming out a bit later in life. I don't feel like I fit in my community. How can I be meeting so many People and still feel so alone. [00:16:00] Speaker B: I mean, oh, this is really good. There's a lot in here. [00:16:06] Speaker A: I feel like this is perfect for you. Later in life, there's. [00:16:10] Speaker B: Yes, I can fully relate to this. Because you also feel, especially if you are older than the people you tend to see out and about or the people who are going. They're kind of at the same stage as you, but at a different age than you. So that can naturally make you feel a little out of place. It can also make you feel like you have a lot of acquaintances, but not a lot of friends. [00:16:35] Speaker A: Oof. Yeah. [00:16:37] Speaker B: And that can feel lonely, too, because you're. You're wondering, you know, I know all these people, but I don't feel. It's like the difference between knowing people and feeling bonded to people. [00:16:48] Speaker A: Right. It's like you go out and you see people, you recognize them, you're friendly, but you're like. I mean, there's people. We go out. I'm like, I don't even know what you do for work. [00:16:55] Speaker B: Totally. Yeah. Right. [00:16:57] Speaker A: It's like you're not the person I'm inviting over to watch Survivor. [00:17:00] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:17:00] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:17:00] Speaker B: So it's, you know, that kind of small talk can also feel. I know it's. Small talk can be painful for introverts, especially. And so that's not. That's kind of discouraging. It doesn't make you want to or. Because it. There's like, a certain threshold you have to pass with a person to feel like you're friends with them. [00:17:18] Speaker A: Right. [00:17:18] Speaker B: And sometimes it's hard to get to that point, especially if you're only seeing people, you know, piecemeal here and there and not really getting time to. To dive a little deeper. [00:17:29] Speaker A: So what do. What does this person do, though? [00:17:32] Speaker B: I need a refresh on that question. I feel like it was so long ago that I heard it. [00:17:36] Speaker A: Okay. They were basically saying, like, they're out in community but still feel lonely within it. It's like. Yeah. [00:17:44] Speaker B: I mean, the hope is that you will start to find those few people who you feel closer to and you feel like you can feel more bonded to. Right. And have more things in common with. And maybe it'll be, you know, one person from one club, one person from another, or maybe just randomly, you'll come across a person and really hit it off well. [00:18:06] Speaker A: So, yeah, I think you hit on it, though, too. You can not feel close to them. And I think maybe that's what this person is. Is talking about is like, okay, they do know a lot of people But I think they need to take that kind of uncomfortable or, like, you know, more vulnerable step. [00:18:22] Speaker B: Yes. [00:18:22] Speaker A: And put themselves out there. [00:18:24] Speaker B: That's totally right. [00:18:25] Speaker A: And, like, you know, maybe find the person who's also off on their own and, like, you know, introduce yourself or be like, hey, do you want to come hang out? [00:18:33] Speaker B: Or like, yes, like I did with you and Dev out. [00:18:36] Speaker A: Look at that. Yeah. [00:18:38] Speaker B: Which I will save that. I will save one story for another episode. [00:18:42] Speaker A: Okay. [00:18:43] Speaker B: About you and do. [00:18:43] Speaker A: But I was going to say, like, who. Who wooed who? [00:18:46] Speaker B: Yeah. No, it was one of those things where I was having a backyard party and I was having some people over, and I was just like, I want to invite Lauren and Dove. I feel like I get a good vibe from them, good energy, and I don't know them very well. And I was going to invite them, and then you two came, and it was amazing. [00:19:01] Speaker A: It was so fun. [00:19:01] Speaker B: Yeah. And it was just one of those things where I was like, I feel like you might be my people, so I'm going to test it out and see. But it's true. It does take that leap to make that first move. And it is a vulnerable thing to put yourself out there, even as a friend, even in the hopes of a friendship, because. Yeah, it's just a vulnerable thing to do. Yeah. [00:19:21] Speaker A: But I mean, being the invitee, like, it feels so good. You're like, oh, they want me to hang out. I'm in. [00:19:27] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. So I think you're absolutely right. It's about taking that extra step to find those few people that you do feel more connected to. And you can find a little sort of crew of friends. [00:19:41] Speaker A: Yeah. Do you want to try another one? [00:19:43] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:19:43] Speaker A: I'm just going to dive into it. [00:19:44] Speaker B: Okay. [00:19:45] Speaker A: When I was a teenager, I quickly learned that I wasn't quite like my other female friends. Standard tomboy stuff. They were into boys, I was hanging out with the guys, etc. I soon put it together that I was gay and felt even more isolated. I didn't trust there that I would be accepted. Cut to today. I'm out. Have a great friend group. My family's been mostly supportive, and yet I still don't feel like I can always be myself with them. I still feel isolated from my family. Like, they love me, but they don't actually know me. [00:20:15] Speaker B: This is so tr. I totally. I totally understand this. I feel like sometimes, and this might not be everybody's situation, but there's just a level of acceptance around how much your family will ever know you. If they're Regardless of how. Well, unless they're fully accepting and truly like making an effort to really get to know you, there's always going to be some areas about you that they don't, that they don't understand or they don't know. Especially if they're not engaging with your queer friends or that, that part of your community, then there's always going to be some spots that they just don't know about you or some, you know, aspects of you they just don't know. [00:21:03] Speaker A: We, we all want that acceptance and I think, I think sometimes we forget that it's a two way track and that we can like, okay, my family accepts me, but like we want more than that. Yes, but your act of love can be accepting them for who they are and you meet them there and vice versa and then you get to go and create your, your version of family. [00:21:27] Speaker B: Totally. You find that, that those extra levels of love and acceptance elsewhere. [00:21:32] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah, okay, we're staying, we're staying on family. [00:21:37] Speaker B: Okay. [00:21:38] Speaker A: Must be because the holidays are coming up. [00:21:40] Speaker B: Yeah, true. [00:21:41] Speaker A: It's on the mind. I'm dreading going home for the holidays. I always miss my queer. See, here we go. I always miss my queer family. They just don't get me any tips. So just, you know, a little tip question. [00:21:55] Speaker B: Oh, interesting. I mean, while you're visiting family, it would probably help you to make plans to stay connected to your queer friends. Even whether it's a phone call, like while you're, while you're off going on a walk to escape your family genius home for a bit, you have a phone call with, with one of your besties, right? One of your queer besties, and just talk about how you're probably both going through the same thing right now or some uncomfortable family conversation at the dinner table you had to suffer through or whatever it is. And then it's about, I don't know, I think there's just, you have a lot of choice in the matter, right? Whether it's just you go into it like you were saying, where you just accept where they're at and, you know, kind of the limitations. Or maybe you're in a place where you do offer a bit more of yourself. Yeah, I would just be finding any alone time I could in order to recharge, recalibrate and kind of download all. [00:22:51] Speaker A: Your favorite queer new queer podcasts and others. [00:22:56] Speaker B: I mean, anything, honestly, anything physical helps, like anything to get you in your body too. Because when I find, at least when I'm overwhelmed or stressed, I can feel heavy and tired and. Sure, like, you might need to sleep and nap and things like that too, but fresh air, walking. I just feel like it. It does wonders in terms of just recharging you and kind of letting you get rid of some of those negative feelings. [00:23:19] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think commiserating or, like, sharing silly things with your friends, like maybe, you know. Yeah. I think what you said is, like, maintaining those connections with your friends while they're gone. [00:23:30] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:23:30] Speaker A: Because they're probably doing the same things. Or like, not everyone goes home to families. So maybe, you know, reaching out even more to the people in your community and keeping those connections going. [00:23:43] Speaker B: Crying if you need to. [00:23:44] Speaker A: Yeah. Okay. I like this question. What should you do if you think a friend might be lonely and you don't want to bug them? [00:23:52] Speaker B: Oh, bug them. [00:23:53] Speaker A: Right. [00:23:54] Speaker B: That's not bugging at all. [00:23:55] Speaker A: It's not? [00:23:56] Speaker B: No. If they're lonely, they might be too shy to reach out or they might feel uncomfortable because, as we were saying, loneliness has had a stigma around it. Actually, this leads me to another point I wanted to bring up around reframing loneliness. [00:24:13] Speaker A: Oh, okay, great. [00:24:15] Speaker B: This expert on CBC I was listening to, he was saying how he was comparing it to thirst and how, you know, you wouldn't feel ashamed if you were thirsty. [00:24:25] Speaker A: Right. [00:24:26] Speaker B: So similarly, we shouldn't feel ashamed when we're lonely because it is also a very natural human need. [00:24:33] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:24:33] Speaker B: Right. [00:24:33] Speaker A: But it can be such, like, a vulnerable thing to, like, reach out. [00:24:37] Speaker B: It can be. It can be. And that's why if you're the person noticing or wondering about if someone is lonely. [00:24:43] Speaker A: Yep. [00:24:44] Speaker B: You would be doing them a help to. To reach out and offer. Or just ask them how they're doing. [00:24:50] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:24:51] Speaker B: Or ask them if they want to hang out or something, because they might be having a hard time saying that. And on the other end, if you are that person who is feeling lonely, there are ways. Actually, I. I reached out to a friend a while ago who had invited me to something, and it was great. And I went. And then afterwards, I was like, thanks so much for the invite. I have been feeling a bit lonely lately, so I really appreciated that positive reinforcement. Right. It was like, I really. And just acknowledging that that was meaningful to me. And please, any invites are welcome. [00:25:28] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:25:28] Speaker B: You know, because it's true. Yeah. [00:25:31] Speaker A: If you have good boundaries, you can say no to those. [00:25:33] Speaker B: Absolutely. Right. But at least, you know, the door is open. And so it is not a bother at all to reach out to someone who you suspect is feeling lonely. I feel like they would really Appreciate that. Because it also means to them that you're kind of tuned in to them, which is. [00:25:50] Speaker A: It can make you closer. And, like, I really love, too, those. Those hangouts with friends where I think we can feel like, you know, you have to go out or to the movies or dinner or drinks and all these things. But, like, you can also invite people over to do, like, chores together. [00:26:05] Speaker B: Totally. [00:26:05] Speaker A: Like, be like, I'm gonna fold all my laundry and we can watch a. [00:26:08] Speaker B: Show and order dinner and just decompress. [00:26:10] Speaker A: And we can just be in each other's space. [00:26:12] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:26:13] Speaker A: Or like, hey, do you want to go do an errand day? [00:26:15] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:26:16] Speaker A: You know what's on your list? You want to go to the garden center or, like, something like that where you can kind of just like, team up and be doing chores that feel productive. [00:26:23] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:26:24] Speaker A: But then also, you're recharging that battery a little bit with just, like, some social interaction. [00:26:29] Speaker B: That's like kids when they parallel play. [00:26:31] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:26:32] Speaker B: Yeah. That's also something offered to a friend recently. I was. Sometimes I go alone to this bar nearby and I just write. And I. I know my friend has also been feeling maybe a little lonely late lately too. So I just said, I'm gonna go. Do you wanna come? We don't even have to talk that much. Like, you write, you draw whatever you're doing, and I'll do it. We can chat here and there. But I didn't wanna put a lot of pressure on interaction. But I also wanted to offer, hey, we can both go do this and kind of just be alongside each other. [00:27:03] Speaker A: That's nice. [00:27:03] Speaker B: And. Because I think it does. It does. Like you said, it does make a difference to have just that presence around. [00:27:10] Speaker A: So we have a little bit of a list of what our dear queer listeners say they do when they feel lonely. Let's get into it. Take myself out to eat solo, remind myself it's okay, but mostly hope it passes quickly. [00:27:27] Speaker B: That's fair. [00:27:28] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:27:28] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:27:28] Speaker A: This one's short and sweet. Go hiking, read and listen to music. [00:27:35] Speaker B: We have rewatch my favorite show, make nostalgic food for my childhood, and fill my upcoming social calendar. [00:27:42] Speaker A: Wait, what's your nostalgic home food? [00:27:44] Speaker B: Oh, me? [00:27:45] Speaker A: Yeah, you. No, Brooklyn. [00:27:47] Speaker B: I don't know. I don't have any. No, not really. [00:27:51] Speaker A: What do you. What do you cook? I don't even. [00:27:53] Speaker B: Oh, God. I don't want to talk about cooking. It's too boring for me. I'm so tired of cooking. When you have a kid too, you're just like, what do I have to make like. And then I just rotate around. I have no creativity left. That's terrible. [00:28:05] Speaker A: All right, I'm sending you with a cookbook. [00:28:07] Speaker B: Yes, please. [00:28:08] Speaker A: Okay, so these are listeners. What they. [00:28:11] Speaker B: Okay, yes, these are listeners. Do you have a nostalgic food from your childhood that you make? [00:28:17] Speaker A: I. Yeah, actually. Well, starting to. We made my mom a cookbook of all her mom's recipes. [00:28:23] Speaker B: Oh, nice. [00:28:24] Speaker A: And so I've been dipping into those, and there's these molasses ginger cookies that. [00:28:29] Speaker B: I'm like, I would have those. [00:28:30] Speaker A: I remember this taste, and it, like, it feels great. Yeah. [00:28:33] Speaker B: That's amazing. And our last one is a little bit longer. It says a big cry to release. It helps to regulate. And then if the feeling persists, I ground myself and see what else is missing. And then they write a few words. Okay. Alone, lonely, solo solitude. I would take the etymological approach, but it doesn't work when in crisis. Meaning they make the connection between the words. Like, lonely doesn't have to be lonely. Right. It means you're alone. It means you're solo. It means you're having solitude. A moment of solitude. [00:29:05] Speaker A: Yes. [00:29:06] Speaker B: Which isn't a negative thing. Right. And so they're making the connection between, like, the meanings of the words. [00:29:11] Speaker A: Okay. This dear queer listener has done the work. [00:29:14] Speaker B: Yes, absolutely. But as they said, it doesn't work when you're in crisis and you're truly feeling, you know, lonely. And so they send. They said, then the go to is cozy. Blanket call a friend. Hug a pet. [00:29:27] Speaker A: Yes. Which is great. [00:29:29] Speaker B: Pets. [00:29:29] Speaker A: Yeah. Always. [00:29:30] Speaker B: Always. [00:29:31] Speaker A: That's. That's my go to is. Okay, well, maybe this is a depression hack. I'm not sure. But regardless, you know, it's same side of a different coin. [00:29:40] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:41] Speaker A: It's like, drink a glass of water and then go for. Get outside in nature. [00:29:45] Speaker B: Yes. [00:29:45] Speaker A: And then. Cause like, when I'm walking Brooklyn, like, I'll try and go to a. Like a place where, like the park. And so you're. You're interacting with people, and, I don't know, you just feel like you're in the mix. I remember in the Pandemic, I would just walk down, like, the. The busier streets or things like that. [00:30:00] Speaker B: Be amongst people. [00:30:01] Speaker A: Yeah. Without being amongst. [00:30:03] Speaker B: Yes, totally. Yeah. I love going for a long walk. I think that does it for me. Sometimes I pop a podcast in, listen to something. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes it's just good to let your own thoughts cycle about. I do cry when I need to. So if I need to cry, I cry might reach out to some friends as well. Whether it's even just a phone call can make a difference. If someone can, you know, doesn't even have to be a friend in your city. If there's somebody haven't talked to in a while who, who lives across the country or something, you just want to have a little catch up. Anything, anything connected feels good. [00:30:37] Speaker A: So basically, reach out, take those steps, take the initiative. You got this. And keep your eyes on each other. [00:30:44] Speaker B: And also just recognize that it's natural to feel this way. You don't have to feel bad about feeling lonely. [00:30:51] Speaker A: Cool. [00:30:52] Speaker B: Thanks for listening. If you were feeling lonely lately, or maybe even today, we hope that this episode reminded you that you're not alone in this very natural feeling. We also hope that if you're feeling lonely, you'll reach out to someone for connection. Even a phone call can be enough. Dear Queer. [00:31:10] Speaker A: This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts, who we will bring in from time to time. Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan. Produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host, as always, Elena Papienis. I'm getting that.