Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Yeah. It's not breaking up. This isn't a breakup. This is a. I'm not feeling it. I'd like to see other people and maybe discontinue into a friendship.
[00:00:08] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:00:09] Speaker A: And just be honest about it.
[00:00:15] Speaker B: If you have a question, I love you.
You can tell.
All right. Today on the podcast, we're talking about breakups. This episode is coming out just after Valentine's Day. So there are some of you who could be freshly broken up with. Hopefully not who breaks up with someone on Valentine's Day. Pressure day. There's pressure around the day, and that's when the cracks can crack open.
[00:01:02] Speaker C: Right.
[00:01:03] Speaker B: Because there's usually some sort of expectation attached to Valentine's Day. Right. And that's when you can see mismatches and expectations and mismatches and energy and vibes and what did one person do for the other versus. It's sometimes a very visible mismatch in how much effort has been put into that. Right.
[00:01:25] Speaker C: Totally. I think they have breakups around holidays, hallmark or otherwise. It's a thing.
[00:01:30] Speaker A: It's the ultimate test of a situation is are we going to do something for Valentine's Day?
[00:01:35] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:01:36] Speaker A: Or are you just a friend?
[00:01:37] Speaker B: I'm dating?
[00:01:37] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:01:39] Speaker C: So that beautiful voice you are hearing, we have our guest host back with us, Nick Rovers. Welcome back to the podcast.
[00:01:49] Speaker A: Thank you so much for having me. I'm very excited about this.
[00:01:51] Speaker B: You're like, episode on breakups.
[00:01:53] Speaker C: I'm there.
[00:01:54] Speaker A: Let's do it. Let's do it.
[00:01:55] Speaker B: I'm here.
[00:01:57] Speaker C: Yeah. We're going to get into the good, the bad, the awkward. I want to know any good breakup stories in the room. I'm putting you all on the spots. Is that too. Am I coming too quick?
[00:02:10] Speaker B: No, there's good breakup stories. I don't have any good ones good for our listeners or ones that wouldn't require some backdrop or explanation. But I think what comes to mind for me are those breakups that don't stick, those bends. I like to call them bends.
[00:02:30] Speaker C: On again, off again.
[00:02:31] Speaker B: Yeah. Or like it is a break, but then it doesn't last. And then you're together again, and those feel like they end up being the most volatile breakups. That probably reflects the volatility of the relationship to begin with, and then they inevitably have to kind of explode. I think you mentioned a relationship like you had like that, too, before, where it was this thing where it had to blow up.
[00:02:59] Speaker C: Oh, yeah.
[00:03:00] Speaker B: Because there was so much pressure being put on it. Right. That's the only way it could break was in a dramatic way.
[00:03:07] Speaker C: Yes. I tried. Put you on the spot.
[00:03:09] Speaker B: You put me on the spot. What is.
[00:03:13] Speaker C: This isn't fair because Nick knows where all the bodies are buried.
[00:03:19] Speaker B: That's a good friend right there.
[00:03:20] Speaker A: So that's interesting to me. I've never been in one of those stress tests. On again, off again. It's just the breakup. It sticks, and that's what it is.
[00:03:28] Speaker B: So it was an early relationship for me after coming out, and there was just a lot of anxiety between us because it was new for me. She had been out a long time. I think that was a cause of concern for her. She wasn't sure if I should be dating more, if I'd stick around. And that kind of caused her some anxiety. And then on my side, I had no idea what my attachment style was at the time, too. And I feel like, even if it didn't feel right, like I'd break up, but then be upset about that loss of a connection and then kind of want it back, or I didn't have boundaries, so I'd kind of almost be talked back in to getting back together because I just couldn't stand by my own feelings. So that particular one was the most volatile one, I would say, where it was just. It didn't stick until it finally had to just end in fireworks.
[00:04:27] Speaker A: It takes one person being 100% done with it for it to stick. Even if the other isn't, it's still not going to get back together because one person is 100% done with the relationship.
[00:04:36] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:04:37] Speaker A: And if two people are still maybe 10% in it, or maybe it's going to lead to confusion. It sounds like that you went to. Because it sounds like this other person might have still seen something great or beautiful in the friendship, whether it be relationship or not. And it leads to, okay, let's try it again. Or let's see if it's just a pause, not a break.
[00:04:56] Speaker B: And I probably also didn't understand that it was possible to still care for this person but not be in a relationship with them. That was hard to balance at the time for me.
[00:05:04] Speaker C: I guess sometimes, too, there can just be unfinished business. And because you're so used to being in partnership and working those things out with a person, you then have to figure out how you work them out with yourselves. And so sometimes it can be easy to go back and try and work it out through the person. Right when you're not quite done yet.
Do we think that?
I don't know. I'm usually of the mind, even though I've probably a result of having some start and stop relationships of you probably broke up for a reason if it got to that.
[00:05:37] Speaker B: Yeah, I mean, that's really true.
But not to say that I don't.
[00:05:44] Speaker C: Know, can you get back together, do you think?
[00:05:47] Speaker B: It really depends. It totally depends, and it depends on how much time goes by. Like, if it's a long time down the road, maybe, and you're actually grown up and turned into kind of different people where you might be able to reconnect on a different level, that might be different. But if not enough time has gone by, if there's fundamentally still things that are irreconcilable between you, then it just seems like a recipe for disaster and toxicity.
[00:06:14] Speaker A: Yeah. I think it comes down to how well you know that other person emotionally, like, how much you trust them as well. Because if this is someone you don't know that well, and they give you these signals of, okay, I don't want to be in relationship with you anymore. You got to take them at their word. But if you know their soul and you know that you trust that when they say they're having second thoughts, they're coming from a positive place, not from a place of fear or loneliness. They're coming from, like, maybe I made a mistake, and I want to be vulnerable with you about that, then, yeah, then maybe you could get back together. But I'm of the nine that if it ended, it ended for a reason, like Lauren said, and it's for the best.
[00:06:52] Speaker B: Right. But like you said, if it was a breakup in a reactive kind of way, where it's like their own avoidance or their own panic or something, and then they come around to realize that that was a reaction, rather like a thoughtful decision. Yeah.
[00:07:09] Speaker C: And I think it's normal, or at least not uncommon for, after a breakup to have those rose colored glasses or think about all the good times. And I've certainly been guilty of.
I think generally I'm pretty good of following my gut and my intuition, and if I know a relationship is wrong, I'm like, okay, I need to end this. But then I've also ended things and then been like, oh, did I rush that? Or still had lots of emotions and feelings to work out outside of it?
[00:07:42] Speaker B: That whole rose colored glasses thing is such a trap, but it's such a powerful thing, because there's something that happens where there's a softening of all the reality that made you break up in the first place, and it takes you back in time to those sweet things and those things that first brought you together or those things that were good. And it can be such a dangerous. Like, a dangerous thing to return to. When I feel like heartbreak is one of those things. You see a show, you see a movie, you see a friend out, and when you find out that that's what they're going through, you immediately have this.
I get it. Because we've all been there, whether it's to a large degree, to a small degree, whatever it is, we've felt that breaking and whatever that means for us personally, but we know what they're going through. That mix of emotions, that pain, that grief, that potentially confusing zone where you're unsure, maybe, or you look back at the good times, and that's also painful.
I feel like it's one of those things that we all kind of understand.
[00:08:55] Speaker A: I think we can't do a good job of hiding that we're going through heartbreak or pain like that. So it's like the most easily recognizable one, and it's the most genuine one. So when we see it on someone else, you're like, oh, you can't even control how vulnerable you're being right now. And you empathize with them, for sure. So we've all been there, we all know it, and we just want to help each other through it. But I think a lot of good comes from breakups as well. Looking back at all my relationships and how they ended, if it was me ending it or them ending it, and with time, I look back and I'm like, oh, thank God. I couldn't imagine still being in that relationship while I look back with the rose colored glasses, because I'm just ever the optimist, and I just love people. I want to see the good. I'll still do that. But from the relationship standpoint, I almost look at it as a separate entity, and I'll be like, that wasn't good for me, though, and that needed to end, and, well, it can even actually make you come back closer because it ended, whereas you're kind of, like, getting on their nerves. They're getting on your nerves. So it's just a natural progression for some relationships. I think that is healthy as well.
[00:10:02] Speaker C: It's such good learning ground, too, where you, in relationships, you're often figuring out what works for you, who you are, how you show up. And even if a relationship wasn't a long term partnership, doesn't mean it wasn't successful, doesn't mean you didn't learn from it, and doesn't mean there wasn't value and a lot of beautiful connection to be had there.
[00:10:26] Speaker B: There's so many lessons in breakups.
I feel like it doesn't take me too long to get to them.
Suddenly you can see it for what it was. Once you're not in it anymore, you can just see it more clearly and be like, oh, I see what I was doing, or I see what they were doing, and it's just such a huge learning ground. It really is like a gift in some ways.
[00:10:52] Speaker C: Do you want to hear some listener breakup questions?
[00:10:54] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:55] Speaker C: All right.
Hi, dear queer. I love this pod. Oh, that's fun. Thank you. I am wondering how I am supposed to get over my ex. The backstory here is that my ex is actually my sister's best friend, and I have to see her all the time when my sister and I hang out, and I have to hear about her because my sister talks about her a lot, posts her on Instagram stories, and I feel like I'm trying to take space to allow myself to heal and to forget about some of the pieces of our relationship that made me feel bad about myself. But I can't seem to escape the reality that she's in my life, whether I like it or not.
[00:11:39] Speaker B: This is a speed healing course or, like, an intense healing workshop, even in.
[00:11:47] Speaker C: The way the question was formed. It's like, oh, this person that's in it?
[00:11:50] Speaker B: Yes.
Do they go by she? I didn't remember how you said who the caller is. The listener is.
[00:11:56] Speaker C: No. Yeah.
[00:11:57] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:11:58] Speaker C: I think for our listeners and stuff, we just try and use neutral pronouns if we're not sure.
[00:12:03] Speaker B: Sure. So this is one of those things where you can use, like, let's say they check their sister's story, and they see this person pop up and they get a twang or a pang or a gut thing, whatever it is, that's your opportunity to say, to look bigger and be like, what is it about this? It's not this person per se, but it's this feeling. Is it of abandonment? Is it of self worth? What are those things that are being triggered that you can work on on your own, separately from that? Because it's not really about that person.
[00:12:40] Speaker C: It's kind of a gift. If you can both be civil and be. And actually occupy space together, maybe.
[00:12:47] Speaker B: Yeah. And, I mean, it's more exposure, maybe than they want, but if they can try and see it as, like, a healing workshop, to be like, okay, what is the feeling I'm having here? And there may be no logic to it, or there is no logic to it. If suddenly I feel unworthy, or I'm comparing myself. That's something about that person that they have to resolve, like themselves. I mean, that they have to resolve. It's not about that other person. So it's connecting with that and saying, okay, well, what's the narrative? What's the story? I'm telling myself when I see this person and I feel, whatever, oh, I'm telling myself I'm not worthy. I'm telling myself, but that's not true. And just having that kind of ability to recognize what's actually going on and separate it from that person and make it your own kind of healing thing.
[00:13:32] Speaker C: Yeah. I think also remembering that they're in that awkward soup, too, and maybe just bringing some levity to it of, hey, we know this is weird.
We love this person. We had love for each other.
Let's just make the best of it.
[00:13:51] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:13:52] Speaker A: And if it's getting to the point where they're constantly checking their stories and seeing like it's. It's being bombarded, but they're also indulging and checking it, putting a break on that. I know time and space has been a really necessary thing for me and some of my healing, so I think that this person can. Yeah, you're going to see them around.
I'm going through one of those things right now as well, but you're going to see them around. But you can also just downgrade them to a different level of closeness in your nucleus and just focus on yourself and your healing, but also sit with those feelings like you said, when that pang or twang or whatever, sit with it and then be like, okay, I felt it. Let's take a minute to deconstruct what I'm feeling right now and do some good, positive self talk in that and realize that with time it will get easier and you will feel better about them in your life. And clearly your sister still sees the beauty in that person, even if there is some pain involved. And it's like, just time will help you. It will.
[00:14:49] Speaker C: Nice. Okay, I have another listener question for us. Hi, dear queer. She her 20 something from Toronto here. I have been on four dates with this new person that I met on the apps, and I'm just not feeling it.
What they have on offer isn't what I need in a potential partner. So I know I need to end it. I really want to end it via text, because to be honest, I just don't have the time or emotional bandwidth to call this person or schedule another date in time to end it with them. It's only been four dates, right? So is four dates too many to break up via text? How many dates is too many to break up via text?
[00:15:28] Speaker A: I think that this isn't a breakup. It's dating. You're dating this person. And I think regardless of the way you do it, whether it be in person or text, just do it honestly, doing kindly and with empathy for this person and what they might feel. And if you truly feel that you want a friendship with them after, the sooner and the more honest, the better.
It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and trying to get really ahead of. I don't have the time. It sounds like you're avoiding the band aid aspect of it, but again, you're just dating. I think it's okay. And if you're not feeling it, be honest with all parties involved.
[00:16:04] Speaker C: Yeah, I think you nailed it.
[00:16:07] Speaker B: I totally agree.
[00:16:08] Speaker C: Does anyone have any kind of breakup go to's or best practices in the room?
[00:16:14] Speaker B: I mean, sometimes, especially if it's only been four dates. Well, I don't know. Sometimes text feels more humane in the sense that, like, on the one hand, it's colder, but on the other hand, there's a humanity in it because there's going to be some emotional reaction that that person goes through, and maybe they don't want to have to go through that in front of you.
[00:16:41] Speaker C: Yeah, absolutely.
[00:16:42] Speaker A: It might be the better thing to do it over text sometimes, depending on how the dates have been going to give them their space to sit with it and then let them think on their response if they want to respond.
I know we see that in the movies of, like, they broke up with you over text.
It can be a very much like we do everything over text. It doesn't have to be. It's just the way you do it and the heart you put into it and the honesty. Absolutely ghosting is much worse. So I think it's a nice.
[00:17:12] Speaker C: Is there a finite or a set number know, once you reach a certain number of dates?
[00:17:16] Speaker B: I mean, I think if you're in a relationship with a person, it's a good distinction.
[00:17:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:20] Speaker C: I have a really embarrassing breakup story I can share if you want.
[00:17:26] Speaker B: Yes, please tell us immediately.
[00:17:28] Speaker C: Nick probably already knows this, but we were in a relationship. We were dating. She was my girlfriend, and I was away, and she was staying in my place watching my dog, Brooklyn. And oh, my gosh, I already feel bad about it because I hate that this is what happened. I still feel, I think, guilt or shame or whatever, but we were just talking on Facetime. And over the course of being away, I got it in my head. I was like, oh, I deeply care for this person, but I don't think they're right for my life.
And then once I have that thought.
[00:18:17] Speaker B: Going back, there's no going back.
[00:18:19] Speaker C: And so we're chatting on Facetime, and the conversation, they were asking, hey, what's going on?
[00:18:25] Speaker B: What's wrong?
[00:18:25] Speaker C: Or whatever it was all over my face. I'm not someone who can hide.
[00:18:31] Speaker A: You're genuine. For better or worse, you're very genuine.
[00:18:34] Speaker C: And it kind of tumbled out of me. And literally, we broke up over Facetime while they're in my apartment looking after my dog. And I felt so bad. It was like, I'm the worst. This is not well, but all you.
[00:18:49] Speaker B: Owe someone else is honesty.
[00:18:50] Speaker C: It's true. Yeah.
[00:18:51] Speaker B: You know what I mean? It's better than you dragging it out and leading them on and being dishonest. And that's just so hard to do. I get that, too. You just can't fake the feeling, and nor should you or nor is it fair to the other person to be misled. So I don't think you need to feel so bad about that.
[00:19:12] Speaker A: I was on the other end of a very similar story to that where I was the person on Facetime having this done to me. And it was very painful. And I was left looking around, like, examining the situation of, like, okay, I'm watching their dog. It's great. But in the end, I got an honest answer and the truth finally came out in a nice, humane way, which I think helped because, yeah, the delay that goes on leading up to that is very jarring for that person, and it's tougher to come back to a friendship after that true dance to get to the truth. But the fact that the truth came out, regardless of even if it was overseas or whatever it was, meant it would to be, and it's important. So I don't know. Have you spoken to this person since?
[00:20:03] Speaker C: I will say they were super gracious. And when I got back, we met up and sat down and actually had a proper in person conversation. And, yeah, they were super sweet and mature and took the high road. So that's great. Great person.
[00:20:19] Speaker A: The way I saw it, for me, I was like, great. I can have that many more. Like, if they would have waited to the end of the trip to do it in person, because I think that's the chivalrous or nice thing to do. That's just more weeks of my life. You've kind of wasted in a way, kind of did the miservice. And one of my mottos is, you might not like what I have to say, but you can't fault me for being honest. And I will never fault someone for being fully honest with me, no matter how painful it is, because I'm like, oh, you respect me enough to eventually be honest.
[00:20:46] Speaker B: And that's a good point, because had you waited longer and then got back, and then it might have felt like you were taking advantage of them, having them watch your dog this whole time. Meanwhile, how long had you thought of this already? So in a. Like, you told them when it came to you, when you realized it, rather than. So that could have caused more kind of resentment to be like, well, when did Lauren know?
[00:21:05] Speaker C: Yeah, I think it's just like, we all know opinions of ourselves. And I'm like, oh, I just didn't see myself as someone who would do that.
[00:21:13] Speaker B: Right.
[00:21:13] Speaker A: I think on the reverse of that coin, though, you don't see yourself as someone who would go on a facetime, pretend everything's okay, and then hang up the call when everything's not okay without breaking up. So I think it's like, look at it from the other side of that. You couldn't not be honest with this person because you cared about them. Even if it was an opportune, it was still like, I think timing is more important than setting.
[00:21:33] Speaker C: What a good therapy session.
[00:21:35] Speaker B: Yeah. I hope you feel better about that now. So we asked our listeners what they do to help themselves get through a breakup, and we had a lot of responses, actually. So one person said, keeping myself busy, road trips, crying with loud music on, swimming, nature time, angry, sad, journaling. Sounds very healthy. Getting all those feelings out.
Another caller, or caller?
[00:22:04] Speaker C: Instagrammer.
[00:22:05] Speaker B: Another instagrammer said, let's be honest. Yeah. Good pals, fresh haircut, no contact.
[00:22:11] Speaker C: I like the fresh haircut.
[00:22:13] Speaker B: Yeah, I like the fresh that. Yeah, that's like just freshening it up, making. Doing something for you that feels good.
[00:22:19] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:22:20] Speaker B: One person said, taylor Swift. Half kidding. Lol. I mean, she's got a lot of good breakup.
[00:22:27] Speaker A: Crying, and she broke it.
[00:22:29] Speaker B: True. Good point. Crying into plates of spaghetti and emotionally painful friendships with all your exes. I love it.
Weightlifting and yoga. Yoga to feel hard things. Weightlifting to feel strong enough to move on. Isn't that great? That kind of gave me chills, actually.
[00:22:46] Speaker C: That's pretty good.
[00:22:47] Speaker B: That's really good. Deleting pictures and blocking them on. Everything.
[00:22:51] Speaker C: Okay, wait, do y'all scrub your socials of people?
[00:22:56] Speaker A: Yeah. This time I did.
[00:22:57] Speaker C: Oh, Nick.
[00:22:59] Speaker A: Just archived and been like, yeah, I don't want that be. It's not part of my identity anymore. That relationship I found was a big part of my identity, I think, to some other people. So I'm like, I'm going to make this a me page again. And I'm in a new relationship now, and it's more towards that. So it's not like a snubbing. I don't think it's a rebranding.
[00:23:19] Speaker B: Yeah, it's your fresh haircut.
[00:23:20] Speaker C: That's true.
I dated someone for long term while I was in LA, and I didn't remove them entirely from my socials, but I toned down the more romantical ones.
Yes, they were like a beautiful part of my life and my history. But, yeah, not a rebranding.
[00:23:37] Speaker A: It's a rebranding. And I've never blocked or done anything. It's just more so what the public is seeing, because that's the first impression a lot of people will get of you. So I just wanted to make sure I was cognizant of that.
[00:23:48] Speaker C: What's your go to?
[00:23:49] Speaker B: It really depends.
I haven't had a lot up there, to be honest, to delete. So I think I'm just more hesitant to even get it on there to begin with. So there's, like, less to kind of manage afterwards.
But it really depends on how I'm doing. It might be a full delete, not block, but it might just be, like, unfollow for a bit. Or it might just be a mute. Just to give myself a mute story. I don't need space to see it. Yeah.
[00:24:19] Speaker A: I think back to the previous question as well about the person whose ex is their sister's best friend. Just mute those stories. Take the time. Just be honest with yourself about what you are or aren't feeling about that person anymore, and just kind of, like, make more time for you, because it seems like you're really framing yourself in the being their ex. Just focus back on being you.
[00:24:40] Speaker B: True. Great.
We have a couple more tattoos. Obsessing over celebrity crushes, romancing with friends. That's nice. Distance, which is difficult in the queer community.
Time therapy, not dating, acting like a fool, learning to love thyself and music simply. And the last one is absolutely nothing. Time.
[00:25:05] Speaker A: Yeah, time is the big one for.
[00:25:07] Speaker B: Time is the big one.
[00:25:08] Speaker C: Yeah. So if anyone out there is going through a breakup, take some time. I think our listeners have some good advice.
[00:25:14] Speaker B: And, yeah, you won't always feel this way.
[00:25:18] Speaker A: There's a big wind up. That happens, like first date butterflies. This second date, are we official? And it's like this big upward climb. We can't expect it to just stop. Like, there has to be a slow decline on the way down the same way. I think it's the same honoring of the relationship. So just learn about yourself. Like, go over the lessons that you've learned as you're doing that wind down, because that's what helped me get confidence, can make me feel great about myself. It's just to kind of recenter back onto you because you put a lot into that other person. End of the relationship, put it all back in.
[00:25:52] Speaker B: You're absolutely right. It's that you have to become your center again. Because sometimes it's easy to lose yourself.
[00:25:57] Speaker C: In relationships, too, and being kind and patient. And if you find maybe that while you're in relationship, maybe you let some of those friendships fall or something like that, maybe next relationship you try and be more balanced if you lost yourself or the pendulum swung too far one way.
[00:26:15] Speaker B: Yeah, because that's another thing, too. You can give up on those things or you have less time for them. Like you said, you don't spend enough time with friends. Maybe you do less of the things you love to do. And that's true. It can always be a good lesson for next time to keep that fullness of your own life and that person is a complement to it, rather than such a huge part of it that if they're gone, there's a big gaping.
[00:26:39] Speaker C: Hole left and get back out there.
[00:26:41] Speaker A: Yeah. Enjoy the singleness that comes from a breakup as well, because there's a lot of beauty in singleness. And you can talk to a bunch of married people or dating people and like, oh, I miss being single. It's always a grass is greener. So just be content. Find the positive.
Find the positive in where you're at right now and find the fun in it. Another thing that really helped me with just being honest with myself and where I was at was I read a quote, and it was like, after a breakup, the child in you just wants to love them. The teenager in you wants revenge, and the adult in you just wants peace. So I was definitely the child, the teenager, and the adult in all stages of my most recent breakup. And I'm just like, it's good to just be honest with where you're at with yourself, even if you don't talk about with other people. So you can kind of be like, oh, I'm still into this phase of it.
[00:27:27] Speaker B: I'm going through the teen phase. I'm in my angsty phase.
[00:27:34] Speaker C: You could come back anytime.
[00:27:35] Speaker B: Oh, my greatness. Seriously, all the good advice.
[00:27:39] Speaker A: I will say that I've been just following more self help pages and getting more into those kinds of posts, and they're recommended to me now. And before this previous relationship, I realized that I had zero boundaries with people and also abandonment issues that I could be, like, laying on the couch and I'm like, looking back to my childhood, I'm like, yeah. So it was such a learning experience for me. And I was like, man, I was trying too hard, or I was really losing myself in a lot of these things. So I just feel so much more like, I just feel so much of a better person now. Like a boundary, too. But Lauren's a huge help in that, too, because we just talk about these kinds of things, or just some of the language that Lauren has used since my breakup and helping me, I'm like, I adopted it as my own. Now that I feel so much more graduated as a person.
[00:28:27] Speaker B: And that piece part that you mentioned is so important because that's the thing now you're probably more attuned to things that put that piece out of alignment, and you're less likely to say yes to them because you have the boundaries there and you have the awareness to be, like, to recognize that's not aligned.
[00:28:41] Speaker A: With the piece you want or the things I put up with back then that I'm like, how did me, how did I put up with that? But it's because you didn't learn it yet. You were still very much trying to people please, like, I know you've spoken about before, and you really do lose yourself in some of these things. So you coming back, that's why I said, just be honest with where you are and really make life about you again, because that's what you didn't do in that relationship.
[00:29:06] Speaker B: Likely. I forget what it's called, but there's this japanese tradition of when something like, let's say a piece of ceramic or whatever, or glass is broken where it's put back together with gold in between it, it's this idea that it's become more beautiful after having been broken, which I think is really like, really, we can apply it here because it is that sense where it's like, not only maybe is there potential for that. Whatever blossoms as a friendship potentially between you and your ex down the road could be far down the road, but whatever. But it's also about your relationship with yourself. When you put yourself back together that hopefully there's more to it now in a healthy way moving forward, and it is a little more beautiful.
I weirdly think heartbreak is beautiful, too.
[00:29:57] Speaker A: I was literally thinking about that as you were speaking, too.
When you take yourself out of the like, oh, I was obsessing, or I was losing myself in the relationship. And it comes back to just, does this person respect me? Do I respect them? Okay, then the breakup can just lead to a new type of relationship I have with this person that's based off that respect. And if you don't have respect for the person you were dating and you just want to get rid of them and you're done with them, take the full step and move on.
[00:30:26] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:30:26] Speaker A: So just as long as you can find the respect, that's the most important thing. Because if I'm not respected anymore, my boundaries are so high that I'm like, you're done. I can't. Not because I feel I just give respect to people. So when I don't give back, I very much.
I just shrink back down to little insecure kid Nick about, why don't they respect me? I respect them. And it's like, just be right with, yeah. And take that single time to recenter on it.
[00:30:52] Speaker B: And there's something too in that feeling of heartbreak and that sadness or that grief or whatever that only makes the good stuff feel that much more amazing when you do achieve it or find it, because that contrast is a beautiful thing. That love that you'll find feels bigger and better because you have also felt that opposite. Right. Dear queer.
[00:31:20] Speaker C: This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts, who we will bring in from time to time. Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan. Produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host, as always, Elena Papianas.
I'm getting that.
