Happy Holigays: Listener question edition

[00:00:00] Speaker A: If you're in the scenario challenge your straight family to not be boring. [00:00:09] Speaker B: If you have a question. [00:00:14] Speaker A: I love you. [00:00:17] Speaker A: Youu can simply ask your trusty dear queen. [00:00:26] Speaker A: Dear. [00:00:35] Speaker A: Hi. [00:00:35] Speaker B: Hi. [00:00:36] Speaker A: It's been a while. [00:00:37] Speaker B: Has it? [00:00:38] Speaker A: I feel. I. Yeah, I feel like it's been a while. [00:00:41] Speaker B: Well, happy holidays. [00:00:43] Speaker A: Happy holidays. Here we are all of a sudden. [00:00:46] Speaker B: Welcome to a Dear Queer Holiday Dating episode. [00:00:53] Speaker A: Like a special edition, you know? Special edition. They're all special. They're all special. It's like a collab. The collab you didn't know you needed. [00:01:00] Speaker B: Yeah. We're gonna go back into our. Our roots a little bit. [00:01:04] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:01:04] Speaker B: And we've got some listener questions that I'm gonna throw your way. [00:01:09] Speaker A: What else? [00:01:10] Speaker B: What have you been up to? What are you thinking about going into the holidays? [00:01:14] Speaker A: I'm just happy for a break from teaching, frankly. [00:01:17] Speaker B: Fair. [00:01:18] Speaker A: And just to, like, dig into some writing and some slow. I'm looking forward to just, like, slow time. [00:01:23] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:01:24] Speaker A: Moving slowly, puttering around the house in slippers, having jazz music on. [00:01:29] Speaker B: What's that? [00:01:29] Speaker A: Like escaping the cold, just making soups, you know, like real cozy hibernation vibes. I feel like my body just wants it so badly. [00:01:39] Speaker B: That's so fair. Yeah. I feel like the weather in Toronto today is really giving you that permission to nest. [00:01:47] Speaker A: Yes. Yes. We have to. It makes so much sense too, when you think about it. Summer is like, busy, busy. Go out and about. And in winter, the winter is for inside. [00:01:59] Speaker B: Permission to do less. [00:02:01] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:02:01] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:02:01] Speaker A: Permission to do less, for sure. [00:02:03] Speaker B: I love it. Well, we had a little listener poll. [00:02:08] Speaker A: So I put out a call for questions and one follower posed the question, would you ever date, like. Or how do people feel about dating a single parent? Should. [00:02:20] Speaker B: Should we, before we get into the poll? [00:02:22] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:02:22] Speaker B: I mean, you are a single parent. [00:02:24] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:02:25] Speaker B: I feel like this is. This is perfect for you. [00:02:29] Speaker A: It's true. I mean, on both ends. True. [00:02:31] Speaker B: Obviously, I'm imagining you're four, but also maybe not for people dating a single parent who aren't in the headspace for it. [00:02:43] Speaker A: Yeah, no, that's the thing, right? With any relationship, if it's a mismatch, it's a mismatch in terms of, like, values or lifestyles or whatever. Yeah. I've wondered over the years how many people are just deterred by the parenting thing. I don't think I've openly encountered anyone who's, like, stated it. I'm sure if they've seen a photo, you know, alluding to the fact or if it's mentioned that I have a kid and then they might just self select out of, out of matching with me or whatnot. [00:03:14] Speaker B: Because do you. [00:03:16] Speaker B: When you're on the apps, do you list that? [00:03:20] Speaker A: I allude to it in some way. So it's either yes, have children or have a photo that demonstrates that there's a kid there. Because it's tough. You don't want it to be your whole identity, but you also don't want to try and fool someone into something that they're not into. Yeah. [00:03:36] Speaker B: And it's like if it's. I don't know. I think we like to have this idea that we're open minded but I don't know. Mad respect for people who know themselves and what they're willing and able to get into at any given time. And the right person for you or anyone with a kid is going to be someone who sees the value in that and what that can bring to their, their own life. [00:04:01] Speaker A: Totally. And not being said, it's not to say I haven't been sad in the past at the thought that someone is maybe self selected out. Yeah. Because there's like, you're almost like, well, why can't they just see me and not the whole. You know what I mean? [00:04:16] Speaker B: Totally. [00:04:17] Speaker A: But that's not fair really. Because you don't just come as a, a single person when you're a parent. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Should we get to the poll? [00:04:26] Speaker B: Yeah, why don't we? Okay. Okay. So we ran a poll on our Instagram basically asking our listeners whether or not they would date someone who was a parent. Do you want to hit us with results? [00:04:38] Speaker A: So the options were it's deal breaker, no biggie. It's complicated but worth it and amazing. I'd love a ready made family. And when you look at it as a whole, it was only 23% essentially that said it was a deal breaker. So okay, so it was basically broken down in terms of like almost equal votes across the board. One extra one for complicated, but it's worth it. So Overall it's about 75, 4 and 25 or it's an actual deal breaker. There were a few comments as well. Our good friend Joey responded with details saying, shut up. Love children, love parents, love blending families. It's two exclamation marks. We had someone else comment, I'm a solo parent by choice, so I'm interested to hear from the other side. But as a solo parent, I would definitely date another solo parent. And then another person said, depends on relationship to other parent and ability of parents to Parent. Well, which is a good point in terms of like what situation is that person in as a co parent? Because it could be, it could be great and positive or it could be toxic, which might. Or like negative in some way that then adds added stress maybe on their relationship. And so I can understand that there would be like other things to consider in terms of that whole. Yeah. [00:05:57] Speaker B: Because if dynamic, if there even is a co parent in the picture. [00:06:01] Speaker A: True. [00:06:02] Speaker B: But like if you've got like a rockstar co parent, like maybe this frees y' all up to go on vacation as well. [00:06:09] Speaker A: Yeah, totally. Yeah. [00:06:11] Speaker B: It's interesting. I think we don't always know what our deal breakers are going into things. People can have all sorts of ones that kind of just reveal themselves through the pro process of dating versus it's like, yeah, with a kid it's like probably something that's on the forefront of your mind and it's like, yeah, of course you don't want to be, you know, rejected in a sense because of something that's like, I don't know, maybe as you said, it's not something that's like the most interesting thing about you or you know, it's obviously a big part of your life, but it's like, doesn't define you. [00:06:47] Speaker A: Yeah. It's not completely who you are. Yeah. And then I guess the other thing too, as a parent, dating, that also adds other considerations in terms of, you know, you at least. [00:07:03] Speaker A: I've not listened to my own advice before. But in terms of dating people who would be good candidates for being a parent. [00:07:11] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:07:11] Speaker A: You know, like sometimes you don't. Yeah. And then that, that might, you know, there might be a moment where you have to like reality check and say, well, this doesn't feel like it would be, it could be a long term thing. You can't just doesn't feel right to kind of muck around. [00:07:30] Speaker B: Right. [00:07:30] Speaker A: Or like waste anybody's time. Yeah. [00:07:32] Speaker B: I guess it adds some stakes. [00:07:34] Speaker A: Yeah, that's exactly it. [00:07:35] Speaker B: I wonder for someone who is out there dating and they haven't been with someone who is a parent, maybe are there some, some green flags when you're dating and it comes up that you're a parent and like some good responses or things that you've appreciated from other people in the past for sure. [00:07:54] Speaker A: Like being flexible about plans and Tim and dates. Because usually if you're a single parent or a co parent, you have limited time. You don't have seven nights a week, you know, to hang out. So if this person has two Three nights a week and your schedule is more flexible. It's so great if you can work around that person's few dates that when they're available or evenings, and then just understanding things come up. With kids all the time. If they're sick or your schedule changes and you need to. So just being flexible. I wouldn't recommend, like, jumping in too soon in terms of, like, you don't want to be asking to meet the kid or. Yeah. And like, you don't need to, you know, give gifts that could be for the kid to the. You know what I mean? Before there's much of a. Like, wait until you see what your dynamic is. Just in the dating scenario, let the parent lead. [00:08:46] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:08:46] Speaker A: And then if down the road, however many. Like, I forget where I heard this piece of advice, but it was like, you should be dating for someone for at least six months before you introduce them to your kid. Just for this idea that you don't want to be introducing someone and then they disappear from. [00:09:01] Speaker B: Yeah. Because kid. I imagine especially depending what age and stage they are, they can get invested. [00:09:07] Speaker A: Totally. [00:09:07] Speaker B: Yeah. That makes sense. [00:09:08] Speaker A: Yeah. I can't think of any others, but. Yeah, like flexibility. Flexibility and being understanding in terms of scheduling. [00:09:14] Speaker B: Slow your roll. [00:09:15] Speaker A: Slow your roll. And honestly, it is. I think it's a natural kind of set of breaks on U hauling or anything like that, too, because you're just like, no, I need to see how this is going to pan out. And, like, you need your space with your, you know, that's your kid's space and stuff, too. So it's a natural set of breaks. It naturally slows things from moving too fast. I'd say. [00:09:37] Speaker B: Positives. [00:09:37] Speaker A: Yeah, positives. Yeah. [00:09:39] Speaker B: Cool. All right, what else we got? [00:09:44] Speaker B: How to DTR for a potential apr. [00:09:48] Speaker A: No. Qtr. QTR wasn't a qtr. [00:09:51] Speaker B: No. Define the relationship. [00:09:52] Speaker A: Yeah, define the relationship. For potential queer. Platonic. I thought it was qpr, wasn't it? [00:09:57] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:09:57] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:09:58] Speaker B: I'm just reading it. [00:09:58] Speaker A: Okay. Yeah. [00:09:59] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:09:59] Speaker A: Okay. I had to look them up. [00:10:01] Speaker B: Clearly. I needed to. I didn't. I was just gonna ask you, what. [00:10:05] Speaker A: Did you think ATR was or you didn't? [00:10:07] Speaker B: I had no idea. [00:10:09] Speaker A: Qqpr. [00:10:11] Speaker B: I don't also. Wait, what's QPR again? [00:10:13] Speaker A: So queer platonic relationship. [00:10:15] Speaker B: Okay. [00:10:15] Speaker A: So I did follow up with this person, too, to be like. Wait, do you mean, like, if you're not sure what a relationship is going to end up being, you know, like, if it's Q. Platonic or not. [00:10:25] Speaker B: Friends. [00:10:25] Speaker A: Friends. Yeah. They said, oh, I Mean if friends and maybe becoming queer platonic relationship. [00:10:33] Speaker B: Wait, I'm more confused. [00:10:35] Speaker A: I know. So I think, I guess what they. [00:10:37] Speaker B: Mean is. [00:10:39] Speaker B: Like, this is a meaningful. [00:10:41] Speaker A: How to define a relationship for potential queer platonic relationships. So I guess maybe how to navigate that in terms of defining something as a queer platonic relationship. [00:10:51] Speaker B: But is this person putting more weight into, I have my queer friendships. But then there's like a pedestal for. This is a queer platonic relationship. [00:11:01] Speaker A: Yes. I think it's like a deeper, more committed. Like we are in it together in the long term. Platonically. [00:11:08] Speaker B: Okay. [00:11:09] Speaker A: Yeah, I know, it is interesting. I was thinking about that too, because I was like, I have some friends that I've known forever. Like, I think of a good friend that I've had since grade two and I'm like, we've got a platonic relationship that's like lasting like. So it is interesting. Like, she's like family to me. She's like family. Yeah. And I mean, you're like family to me. So things like that. [00:11:33] Speaker B: It's like inner circle. [00:11:35] Speaker A: Yeah. So it is interesting. I think some. But. And I do wonder if people want to define it. [00:11:46] Speaker A: For a sense of. [00:11:47] Speaker B: Security or also it's like, yes, a sense of security and also trying to find a way to. I mean, so much of our society is. Is structured around heteronormativity and we understand so well if, you know, especially, you know, having gone through it in the last couple years with Dev is like there, there's so many norms and practices around. You're dating, you get engaged, then you get married and you maybe get a house and you're expanding your family. And it's like there's so many places and ways we know how to celebrate folks and show up for each other and have community around those kind of milestones. And so maybe for this person or just generally, it's trying to find a way to. [00:12:40] Speaker B: Signal or show that, you know, this is a core relationship. To me, it may not look like what you understand, but it should be treated with the same respect and like, deference and, you know. [00:12:52] Speaker A: Yeah. And that it's going to go through the ups and downs too. It's like a commitment to be in a relationship, in a platonic relationship. But it's like we work through difficulties, we have arguments, we talk it out, we like. But we fundamentally, deep down love one another. So yeah, it's that kind of commitment to one another. And I guess those are the things that they would have to talk about. It's like, how do you Deal with conflict. Like, in the same way you would for any. For romantic relationship, too. To be like, are you comfortable with arguments? Are you not? What do you need when you're upset? How can I calm you? Do you need me to just, like, touch you? Not touch you? Like, you know, conversations we've. We've had, like, Robin's helped us talk through some of these kinds of things in terms of conflict and anger and all those things like that, to me, seems like you'd have the same conversations. [00:13:41] Speaker B: Yeah. Or like, even the hypotheticals, like, what happens if one of us gets, you know, has a romantic partner. [00:13:48] Speaker A: Yes. Is there jealousy there too, or something? Or. [00:13:51] Speaker B: Not that they. Maybe they do already. I don't know. [00:13:54] Speaker A: Right. [00:13:55] Speaker B: Interesting. I think. So their question is how to define the relationship. And I guess it's talking about it. And unfortunately, we don't really have the language, but maybe it's creating your own. Yeah, I mean, maybe it's. Yeah. It's like, this is my platonic. [00:14:12] Speaker A: Intimate. Platonic. [00:14:14] Speaker B: Just platonic partner. It's so funny that it's like we. We wrap so much up around, like, sex, intimacy, and it's like we have so many familial relationships that don't have that and are important. It's like. Yes, if someone says aunt or cousin, we know what that means. Like, I think it's really cool. Dev has family friends who she grew up with, and she calls them her cousins. I think she does that because she wants to ascribe that meaning and show other people that this is someone important and special. And in my family. So cousin's probably not the right word, but maybe there's something else. [00:14:58] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I guess you're right. The language around it is still. Because if you say partner, people are gonna assume romantic partner and you say platonic partner, a lot of people outside of the queer community might just not know what you're talking about, and that just will require you to explain it if you feel like it or let them figure it out themselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:15:21] Speaker B: So good luck. [00:15:22] Speaker A: Yeah. Let us know. I want to know. [00:15:24] Speaker B: Maybe that's something we can throw out to the listeners. What to name your platonic partner. [00:15:29] Speaker A: Yeah. A queer ship. [00:15:33] Speaker B: Flame. [00:15:37] Speaker A: Yeah, I need to. I can't come up with. My brain. Can't do the linguistic math moment. Yeah. Okay. [00:15:43] Speaker B: Okay. [00:15:43] Speaker A: What was the other one? Oh, the other one was about being the only queer and single person over the holidays, I think. [00:15:50] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:15:50] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:15:50] Speaker B: Going home to family members where you're the only queer one. [00:15:53] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:15:54] Speaker B: I mean, Bummer for your fam. [00:15:57] Speaker A: Yeah, Seriously. [00:15:59] Speaker B: But lucky they have you. [00:16:00] Speaker A: Yeah. This one. I had a couple thoughts, so the first thing that came to my mind when I was considering this question was that it's not a weakness. And I think often we think. We think there's more of a spotlight on us than there is. Right. Like, we're in a room where, like, everyone knows this. Everyone can tell, and you're just like, no. Everybody's obsessed with themselves probably. Like, truly nobody really is paying attention to that. But often I think we're projecting our own, like, insecurities or fears around how we're being perceived. [00:16:33] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:16:33] Speaker A: Onto other people and being like, everyone can tell, but nobody's really paying attention. And if they are, that's their own, like, whatever you want to call it. That's their own judginess or shame or expectations. And they're probably from a very, you know, heteronormative lens. So, you know. [00:16:51] Speaker B: Yeah. And also when you were saying that, I was thinking also, like, queer culture is culture right now. [00:16:57] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:16:58] Speaker B: Like. [00:17:00] Speaker B: There are so many great artists, TV shows, creatives. Chances are, even if there aren't any queer family members, there's folks in your family who are consuming queer content. And maybe that's a place for you to kind of build a bridge or find some community that way. [00:17:18] Speaker A: What just came to my mind for a second was just like, I don't know what, you know, the people's sense of humors are and whatnot. And if you're like, I'm the youngest kid in the family. I'm joking all the time. I haven't done this yet. But you could potentially, if you're in this scenario, challenge your straight family to not be boring and be like, prove to me you're not boring. What are you watching? Tell me something. What's the goss? [00:17:40] Speaker B: Like, find out who's seen heated rivalry. [00:17:42] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, bring it in. Like, challenge them a bit. Be like, no, actually, you guys are the ones that are kind of out of touch if you're not engaging. Like you said, queer culture is pretty mainstream now. So it's like, come on, ask them, you know? You know what I mean? [00:17:56] Speaker B: And holidays in general are gay. [00:18:00] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:18:00] Speaker B: I mean, come on. [00:18:01] Speaker A: Super gay. [00:18:02] Speaker B: A man with a red velvety suit who's got a bag of toys. [00:18:06] Speaker A: Come on. Totally. [00:18:07] Speaker B: Totally camp. [00:18:09] Speaker A: Yeah. And then the other thing that I thought of for this one was that sometimes you have to be the sole defender of things. And practicing that in the home is a way to practice that for when you need to do that in the world. It was two New Year's Days ago. I went to some families that I don't always hang out with because they're pretty conservative or whatever. And. But I went there and I didn't have my daughter with me. It was just me. And then at some point during the dinner, I was just like, hands up in the air, arguing, debating 3/4 at the table. [00:18:49] Speaker B: Oh, no. [00:18:49] Speaker A: And just being the sole person. But I was glad I did because then afterwards, two other of my family members were like, thank you so much for doing that. I just didn't know what to say and I was so uncomfortable. And so, like, you're not the only one thinking it probably, but if you can speak up, then you're also signaling to other people that, like, you support them or that, you know what I mean? So it's never a bad idea to speak your mind. That being said, I don't engage all the time. There's times when I just go to another part of the room, but this time was just like, just. It just came out of me. [00:19:22] Speaker B: Sometimes not engaging can be very telling as well. [00:19:27] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:19:27] Speaker B: Also I love the practice of just like, if, you know, I'm imagining too. Like, you know, sometimes we're in family settings and there's folks with different political beliefs and all of that, which obviously you're alluding to. [00:19:39] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:19:39] Speaker B: And I just. Sometimes I really just like the move of being like, I can't believe you said that out loud. [00:19:44] Speaker A: Yeah. True. [00:19:45] Speaker B: Of like, just like being like, whoa. [00:19:48] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:19:49] Speaker B: Yeah, we're still saying that. [00:19:50] Speaker A: Right? I know. [00:19:52] Speaker B: But yeah, you definitely don't always have to engage. [00:19:55] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:19:55] Speaker B: You know, a lot of queer folks live in cities and then they maybe go back home to see family or travel to see family. And if you are feeling kind of lonely or like, oh, gosh, they don't get me. Don't forget about your. Hopefully if you've been listening to this podcast, because we're big advocates of it, but, like, your queer family back where you live or like, maybe engaging with them online or phone calls. [00:20:20] Speaker A: Totally. Group chat, like that. Whatever. Yeah, yeah. [00:20:22] Speaker B: Also, I mean, the group chat is definitely the place to roast your hilarious family members. [00:20:27] Speaker A: Roast your family. Put it all in the group chat with your queer chosen family, who are all elsewhere. The other practical tip I thought of, which I think we've mentioned on I don't remember which episode previously, is do stuff when you're like, like, I clean up, I wash dishes, I tidy around, I putter around. So I'm like at the sink, washing dishes. And people are having a conversation I don't want to be in the middle of. I don't have to because I'm washing dishes. [00:20:53] Speaker B: You're also clocking, like, what. What uncle likes Trump. All right. Totally got my eye on. [00:20:58] Speaker A: You're hearing it all. You're still, like, listening, but you're not. There's. You're not responsible in that moment, and you're active and you're being, you know, you're being helpful to whoever it is that needs that help cleaning up. Yeah. Yeah. [00:21:11] Speaker B: Nice. Okay, I've got a good question for you. Um, I'm. I'm dating someone new. And we aren't official. It's clear we aren't meeting families over these holidays. But what do I do around gift giving? [00:21:24] Speaker A: Ooh, wait, how fresh is this relationship? [00:21:27] Speaker B: They're new, so they say we aren't quote, unquote official. [00:21:31] Speaker A: Right. [00:21:32] Speaker B: So I imagine they've gone on a hand. [00:21:34] Speaker A: I'm good. [00:21:35] Speaker B: I'm just going to guess here. [00:21:36] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:21:36] Speaker B: That we've gone on a handful of dates. There's vibes. You're planning on being in contact probably over the holidays and, like, seeing where things go after. [00:21:44] Speaker A: Right. That's my guess. I mean, in that world. Yeah. Okay, that's good. Either get something, like, cute and thoughtful, but not too expensive. So it doesn't, you know, it signals that this isn't a big, you know, thing yet and you're not, you know. [00:21:56] Speaker B: But that you're listening and paying attention. [00:21:58] Speaker A: Totally. That you know something about them. Or get something that you can do together when you're both back. [00:22:06] Speaker B: Oh, that's cute. [00:22:06] Speaker A: Right? Be like, hey, I was thinking of buying tickets to this queer cinema club. Or let's go to the spa when you're back as my treat for, you know, a Christmas gift or something. A holiday gift. So something like that. That's like, this signals that I want to spend more time with you and this is something we can do together, I think is a good option. [00:22:24] Speaker B: I think also talk about it, because I can imagine it might be awkward if you get a gift and then they go. [00:22:30] Speaker A: Totally. [00:22:31] Speaker B: Maybe get ahead of it and be like, hey, I was thinking we could do a book exchange. [00:22:35] Speaker A: Yes, that's great. [00:22:36] Speaker B: And you literally can look around your apartment and find a book that's meaningful to you. [00:22:41] Speaker A: Totally. And even just setting limits financially because everyone's in different situations financially, so you don't want to it to be, like, so mismatched that one of you. One or both of you feels uncomfortable. [00:22:51] Speaker B: I love it. [00:22:52] Speaker A: Yeah. Between dating and the holidays and holiday dating, as you said. [00:23:00] Speaker A: Yeah. So we hope everyone has a wonderful holiday break, no matter how short or long it is. [00:23:05] Speaker B: Heck, yeah. [00:23:06] Speaker A: And we did do an episode last year also about navigating the holidays. If you feel like you need a little extra support and you want to go listen to that one. [00:23:12] Speaker B: Yep. [00:23:13] Speaker A: Whether maybe you're on a train ride out of the city to go home for Christmas and you. And you want us in your ears to help you navigate it. What else? [00:23:23] Speaker B: Yeah, have a great holiday. And yeah, be sweet to yourself. Lots can come up around the holidays. Keep your queer community close. And yeah, have a good time. [00:23:32] Speaker A: Happy holidays. [00:23:33] Speaker B: Happy holidays. This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts, who we will bring in from time to time. Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan. Produced by myself, Lauren Hoggart, and your host, as always, Elena Papillemus.