Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:00:00] Speaker B: Drift away silently and wish them well.
[00:00:02] Speaker A: You had me at on and off.
[00:00:04] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:00:11] Speaker C: If you have a question.
[00:00:16] Speaker A: Have no fear.
You can simply ask your trusty dear queer.
Dear queer.
[00:00:35] Speaker C: Awesome.
[00:00:36] Speaker A: Welcome back to the second part of our Dear Queer Listener Questions. We have Nick here once again.
[00:00:44] Speaker B: Hello.
[00:00:44] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:00:45] Speaker C: Hi, Nick.
[00:00:46] Speaker A: And you have a question for us. You said.
[00:00:48] Speaker B: Yeah, I haven't thought of how to phrase it, but I will do so now.
How do you navigate a friend breakup where you're still unsure as to why the breakup happened, but you know that the emotions are very real?
[00:01:05] Speaker C: Wait, are you talking about you have friends and they break up?
[00:01:09] Speaker B: No, like.
[00:01:10] Speaker C: Or you're breaking up with a friend.
[00:01:11] Speaker A: Broke up with you.
[00:01:12] Speaker B: If a friend broke up with you and you're still navigating what, why it happened, how you feel about it, what are your next steps. But there's a lot of still confusion around it. But, like, yeah, that's about it.
[00:01:26] Speaker C: You better not be coming for me.
What are you trying to do?
[00:01:30] Speaker A: What are you trying to say?
[00:01:32] Speaker B: As my only friend, I can tell you that.
[00:01:36] Speaker A: I mean, I've had. I've had maybe two friends I can think of kind of friend do the friend breakup with me. And what did that look like? Well. Well, the one did involve crying publicly in a coffee shop. Like a heated argument between the two of us where there was literally only one other person in the coffee shop reading a paper and there was no music playing. And so everyone. So the show. Yeah, exactly. You know, the two people who are in there who could hear everything.
But it was one of those things, actually. In both cases, they were just very committed to their narrative of what I was doing or wasn't doing enough of or what they were.
Yeah, they were just very committed to their view of what was happening in the scenario. And they needed a villain. Yeah. And I just. I couldn't break that. It wasn't my job to break that, really.
And. But I still, like, down the road, I remember reaching out, like, on a birthday. So just be like a birthday or, like, happy and one. Another friend lost a friend and I reached out because that trumps everything. You're like, well, of course I'm gonna extend compassion to you in this moment. Even though, you know. So that's kind of how I've navigated those, where it's like, if I see there's. That there's something notable for whatever reason, to, like, reach out and say, I feel like it's always. At least in my mind, it's better to err on the Side of like extending that rather than just like giving the silence back.
[00:03:11] Speaker B: Right.
[00:03:11] Speaker A: You know?
[00:03:12] Speaker C: Yeah. I feel like friend breakups are more, at least in my experiences, I haven't had the coffee shop moment, but it's been more like a drift apart over time. And it's like you just kind of realize that, you know, folks who are maybe in your life circumstantial or you've changed and they, they've, you just changed in different directions. So I haven't had to like address it, you know, it's just faded away. Yeah.
[00:03:37] Speaker B: That natural progression.
[00:03:38] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:03:38] Speaker A: Which happens. I think that's the most common way. Yeah, it happens. Truly. It's just like people have known them for however many years and you just grow apart or whatever or you in different cities or something and it just kind of fades and.
[00:03:48] Speaker C: Yeah, I think it, it has like come up more too though, as like doing. We're in, Dev and I are in wedding planning mode and you're like, ooh, there's folks on this list and folks not on this list that might have been previously.
And that can be hard, especially when you know, you, you grow apart. Yeah. In, in the, in those circumstances. I try if it's, I'm trying to think how to say this, but you know, in, in one instance it's kind of a bit of a ideological divide. And in that case, I've tried to keep the door open for communication because I think people can learn and grow and evolve their ways of thinking. Just as like I learned new things over the last 30 plus years.
So I try and keep the door open if it's that. But. Yeah. Have I answered your question? I feel like I meandered there.
[00:04:51] Speaker B: No, no, it's just, it was just like, how do you handle a good advice? It's true. I think that like the take home I took from yours was just to keep the door open because I'm like, yeah, it's, it's important to. When you feel misrepresented, you don't want to like, no, no, please like me. Please like me. I didn't, I'm not actually like that. Or I can be better. Like, yeah, I'm over that. I'm not going to be doing that. But it was more so I think just like, Yeah, I guess just like sit with it, recognize it as what it is. Keep a door open and if they know you well enough, they know that that door is open.
[00:05:19] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, it definitely causes you to reflect, to be like, am I like that? Did I do that? Or whatever. And that's. That can be beneficial. And you might actually end up being like, oh, yeah, you know what? I could have. Yeah. Like, maybe I did do that. Or maybe I could have been a better friend to this. Or. But. But sometimes it's just someone who's really committed to that narrative of you, and it's not accurate.
[00:05:37] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:05:37] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:05:37] Speaker B: I think. I think there's a healing journey that is necessary, and I think I'm okay to play that part.
[00:05:42] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:05:43] Speaker B: For that person as well.
[00:05:44] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:05:44] Speaker C: I love it.
[00:05:45] Speaker A: Good question.
[00:05:46] Speaker C: Okay, this listener says, I'm going to be at a wedding this summer with my ex, and I'm now dating someone new. We have been broken up for over a year. Do I give the ex a heads up that not only am I seeing someone new, but that they will be my date at the wedding? Oh. And they sort of know my new person?
[00:06:06] Speaker A: Oh, man.
[00:06:08] Speaker B: I think there's a further question of, have you not spoken, or has it gone out in a dumpster fire of a breakup and now you have never spoken and you're going to kind of be. Are they going to be shocked that you're there, or could they piece it together and the fact that you have a new partner is like, yeah, that's life.
[00:06:22] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, another thing or a thing that came to my mind was, I. I think it all depends how you say it. If you're gonna say it too, because you don't want to say it in a way that you're assuming. This person is going to be, like, a mess. Yeah, exactly. Cares so much that you're like, I know you're gonna be devastated when I tell you this, but, like.
[00:06:41] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:06:41] Speaker A: So it'd more have to be like, hey, looking forward to seeing you here. Bringing my new partner. Can't wait for you to meet. Like, if. If it's possible. If it's, like, friendly enough to be able to say. To reach out.
[00:06:51] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:06:52] Speaker A: Like. Yeah, it's a good point. Like, have they talked at all? Do they hate each other? Do they, like, I think if you're.
[00:06:56] Speaker B: On speaking terms and that ex doesn't know that you're dating your. Their old friend or their current friend, whatever.
[00:07:03] Speaker A: I think just heads up.
[00:07:05] Speaker C: Do you tell exes when you've moved on? I always feel that to your point, that's kind of like a You.
[00:07:12] Speaker B: You're hoping for a reaction by telling them. I think if it's like you wronged them in such a way and it was an explosive breakup and they would want to leave the wedding, they. You Caught them off guard by being there with their. As your new partner.
I think then yes, it's best to. To lead with a. Oh, by the way, I'm going to be there. And they have like a month or however. Yeah. It's in the summer. They have months to process and figure it out. But if it's like this is someone you still see regularly and it's kind of just to tell them, I don't know, it might not be necessary.
[00:07:43] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:07:44] Speaker C: Also, if it's a wedding that you both are going to, presumably your friend group's kind of a meshed.
[00:07:50] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:07:50] Speaker C: You don't have to tell them.
[00:07:51] Speaker A: No.
[00:07:51] Speaker C: True.
[00:07:52] Speaker A: Get someone else to tell them. True. That's a good point.
[00:07:54] Speaker C: And you could even nudge a friend.
[00:07:56] Speaker A: Totally.
[00:07:56] Speaker C: If you wanted to. Like, yeah, just like, hey, do you know if they know? Like, has anyone given them the heads up?
[00:08:02] Speaker A: Yeah. Put some feelers.
[00:08:03] Speaker B: Ask the bride or groom of whoever you know in this relationship.
[00:08:05] Speaker C: Do not put that on the bride and groom.
[00:08:08] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, hey, if they invited you both and they know that drama they kind of are starting it.
[00:08:14] Speaker C: Okay, well I as someone who has invited exes to our wedding, I'm just like, hey, I've invited you both. Y'all figure it out.
[00:08:21] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. That's not yours.
[00:08:23] Speaker C: It's not on me and you both better come.
[00:08:27] Speaker A: Yeah, it's true.
[00:08:28] Speaker B: Yeah, it's not about you or your ex or your relationship. It's about just supporting the mutual friends you still have.
[00:08:34] Speaker A: Totally.
[00:08:34] Speaker C: Sweet. Okay.
I had to look up a term in this question.
[00:08:40] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:08:40] Speaker C: But I have. I have it also. But maybe I'm.
[00:08:44] Speaker A: No.
[00:08:45] Speaker C: Any other guesses?
[00:08:49] Speaker A: Oh my God.
[00:08:51] Speaker C: Okay, one. One of our listeners said my on again, off again. X. Okay, so they're neck started breadcrumbing me. What do I do?
[00:09:00] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, no. Do we keep it off? Keep the button off and always keep the button off.
[00:09:06] Speaker C: Do you all just know what breadcrumbs.
[00:09:08] Speaker A: Yeah, it's like little giving. Little.
[00:09:09] Speaker C: I mean, I understand breadcrumbs.
[00:09:11] Speaker B: And yeah, you leave a trail of minimum effort to keep them on the hook or keep them in the picture, but you have no intentions of it mattering or following up ego thing. Because they're insecure with the person bride coming. They just don't want to not have the attention on them.
[00:09:25] Speaker A: Yeah, that's what it is.
[00:09:26] Speaker B: No, ditch it. You know, by writing. I'm sure when you were writing out that question, you knew exactly the answer. It's just.
[00:09:32] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:09:33] Speaker B: Drift away silently and Wish them welcome.
[00:09:35] Speaker A: You had me at on and off and just. Yeah, yeah, probably just keep it off.
[00:09:39] Speaker C: I was just focused on the breadcrumbing of it all.
[00:09:44] Speaker B: Yeah. There's nothing wrong for you still. Still wanting something of this person. Hoping that they could be the version of themselves that make you stay with them or want to stay with them, but the fact that you're already leading with their breadcrumbing me, I think is just, you know, that that's probably how it's been most of the ons and offs totally.
[00:10:03] Speaker A: Just you can do better depending on how bold they're feeling too. They could address it if they wanted.
[00:10:08] Speaker B: To or start breadcrumbing them.
[00:10:10] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:11] Speaker B: Just go full manipulative.
[00:10:13] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:13] Speaker C: And what's that other term too? A friend was telling me. Pebbling.
[00:10:17] Speaker A: Oh yeah, peb.
[00:10:18] Speaker C: Like it's more endearing.
[00:10:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:20] Speaker C: It's like sending memes to friends or like images throughout the day and you don't like expect a response necessarily. It's just like, I'm thinking about you.
[00:10:27] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. Bids for connection.
[00:10:28] Speaker A: That's the nice way. Yeah, that's the nice thing. But breadcrumbing in this way is to lead people on and like give the bare minimum. Like you said so. But yeah, depending on how bold they're feeling, they could be like, hey, this feels like a pattern.
[00:10:39] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:40] Speaker A: If I, you know, if there's some weight behind this and you like, like. Yes, maybe I consider it, but really I'm not into this kind of like half ass situation.
[00:10:50] Speaker C: Full ass only?
[00:10:51] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, 2025.
Full ass only in 2025.
[00:10:59] Speaker C: Okay. Another question.
Oh, you guys want to do a money question?
[00:11:04] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:11:05] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:05] Speaker C: My boyfriend spends so much money. He makes more money than me, but his spending makes me feel weird. I. I love everything about him, but I worry about the future.
[00:11:16] Speaker B: So the listener's boyfriend makes more money or makes more money and spends more.
[00:11:23] Speaker C: Like his spending makes me feel weird. I love everything about me, but I worry about the future. So it sounds like a bit of. Could be a bit of a power dynamic imbalance maybe and she doesn't feel comfortable.
[00:11:33] Speaker A: Bring it up.
[00:11:34] Speaker C: Because he makes more or even value alignment on things. Like not compatible. I don't want to say they're not compatible, but you know, if people have different ideas about what, you know, you spend money on and if that doesn't line up that kind of thing.
[00:11:51] Speaker B: Money is one of the main reasons relationships fails. Relationships fail. So I think, just if you think that this is a long term partner that you see building life with you need to have these conversations. Regardless of how the spending is going. You should just have a budget or a plan or some loose goals and.
[00:12:09] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's a way to have that conversation. Like, you know, if it's someone you're serious. Yeah. And be like, I, you know, she could even say that she's more budget conscious because she does make less. So she'd like to, you know, thinks a little more long term and would like to make like maybe just suggesting. Why don't we just go to financial planner and like, yeah, see where we're at. You know, it could be as innocuous as that to be like, yeah, what are our goals and how can we kind of get there in the long term?
[00:12:33] Speaker C: You can also too, I think it's like, have certain, like, items in your budget that's like, hey, you know, this money is the, like, spend on whatever you want. I don't care. I'm not going to think about it. You don't have to feel weird, like you need to ask me or like vice versa. Like, this is that set of money and have at her. And it's just like, just like, it's, it's having the conversation, especially if you think it's someone long term and if.
[00:13:00] Speaker A: She gets a, like a response that's kind of dickish, then it's like, that also says a lot. If he's like, well, it's my money, I can do what I want. And like isn't open to the conversation, then that also tells her a lot.
[00:13:12] Speaker B: Yeah, that's true. I think if they don't have a joint, if they have a joint account and they're dumping all of their earned finances into one spot, and then this partner who's making more is spending the lion's share of it all, I think then that's a question. But if it's he's making, or they're making more and they use their own account, you're making less and you use your own account. It maybe hasn't progressed to that part where it's, it's. I don't know. I, I see that it's almost maybe none of your business because they were doing this before they met you as well and that's just their spending habits. But if you haven't had the conversation of like, let's talk finances, let's talk goals, let's talk joint bank accounts.
[00:13:46] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:13:47] Speaker B: If you're at that stage, then yeah, you need a big, you need a conversation because it might not be a compatible Thing.
[00:13:52] Speaker C: Yeah. And I think there's, like, certain, like this, the thing I'm. That, you know, I'm picking up on about them. It makes me feel weird too, is, like, different just, like, power dynamics in couples and, like, if this is, like a hetero presenting couple and like, what that feels like of, like, earning power. And I think different things can come up too, and same sex couples around it as well, just as much.
[00:14:17] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:14:19] Speaker C: All right, I'm gonna leave us on a. On a fun one.
[00:14:23] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:14:25] Speaker C: What are you watching right now? I need Rex.
[00:14:29] Speaker A: I mean, I feel like I'm all over the place. I did binge watch Killing Eve over the holidays when I was sick.
[00:14:35] Speaker C: Oh, nice.
[00:14:36] Speaker A: And that was great. Yeah, I loved Killing Eve. I know it's old now, but whatever. And then now I have gone back to catch up on my Vanderpump Rules because I am very behind.
[00:14:48] Speaker C: Back to the start?
[00:14:49] Speaker A: No, not that far back. But I'm. I went like a few seasons back from the latest season to get the.
[00:14:54] Speaker C: Full send of all.
[00:14:55] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. Because I saw the, like, the affair thing and then I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait. I got to see what happened before this. And so then I went back, like, maybe two seasons. So. But yes, I've been watching too much or I just dream very actively because I messaged Lauren and Haley and Dev the other day and said, I think I'm watching too much Vanderpump Rules because I just had a dream last night that I was the one who cheated on Ariana with Sandoval.
[00:15:21] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:15:23] Speaker A: And I felt really bad and she was really upset.
[00:15:26] Speaker C: So anyways, did you tell her?
[00:15:29] Speaker A: No, I'm going to, though. I think I'm gonna make a TikTok saying that we need to start apologizing for things that we do in our dreams, because I just think that's a funny concept.
But so that's what I'm currently watching. Watching and not watching. The thing I love about reality TV is that, like, ability to putter around or, like, do something else at the same time. It's so casual. So, yeah, after watching Killing Eve so intently, now I'm, like, onto the casual watch. Yeah, I love it.
[00:15:55] Speaker B: For me, we're watching season two of Squid Game still. That was a long time ago.
[00:16:00] Speaker A: That's intense. I did watch that.
[00:16:01] Speaker B: Yeah. So we're halfway through the season. We were watching it maybe one or two a week, and we're midway through the season. I think I'm watching Beast Games just because I worked on it and it was fun.
[00:16:11] Speaker C: Shout Out.
[00:16:12] Speaker B: Yeah. And then also old Drag Race and the newest season of Drag Race. But also we're going back and I'm getting Josh, my partner, caught up on all the like epic seasons of Drag Race, like season six.
[00:16:25] Speaker C: So we're, we're going back to.
[00:16:28] Speaker A: Yeah, to the classics.
[00:16:29] Speaker B: Nostalgia.
[00:16:29] Speaker C: Yeah, I love it.
Well, keeping in Sandoval theme. The new Traitors UK is out cuz the legend Alan Cummings. But Sandoval's on it. Chrishell is on it.
Oh, Dorinda from the Housewives is on it.
There's so many people and it's just, it brings all of our reality TV folks together.
Yeah, it's great. Caroline from Survivor.
[00:17:01] Speaker A: Amazing.
[00:17:01] Speaker C: If you were a fan of her, she's so fun. So we started watching that and finished the last season of Survivor. Nice.
[00:17:09] Speaker B: Any dramas like, any like, scripted that you're watching?
[00:17:13] Speaker C: Not much.
[00:17:15] Speaker A: Lauren lives in reality. Yeah.
[00:17:20] Speaker C: Oh, there was some over the holiday, I feel like, but. Oh, I. Dev does not join me on this, but I watch this show called the Gentleman.
[00:17:29] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:17:29] Speaker C: And it's about this English family and they have a castle that's been like, or like massive estate that's been passed down in their family and basically they find out that their dad had been renting out like part of their property for like an underground grow up. And it's amazing, kind of hilarious.
[00:17:44] Speaker A: I feel like I just watched something British, but I'm totally forgetting now. No, maybe not. Oh, you know, killing Eve was in England. Maybe that's why.
[00:17:50] Speaker C: Yeah, the accents make it. I know. They're totally vile qualities. Redeemable.
You're like rooting for them in the worst way.
[00:17:59] Speaker A: Yeah. Amazing.
[00:18:01] Speaker C: That's it.
[00:18:02] Speaker B: I want recommendations next time too. If you send it. Yeah, listeners, send in some of your recommendations.
[00:18:07] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:07] Speaker B: Watch it and then. Yeah, talk about it.
[00:18:08] Speaker C: Sounds good. Well, we hope wherever you are, you are having a great week. We have some fun episodes coming up. Valentine's Day is coming up, so, you know, we'll be coming at you with something good for that.
[00:18:22] Speaker B: Thanks for having me back. Hope you guys have a great one.
[00:18:25] Speaker C: Bye.
[00:18:25] Speaker A: Bye.
[00:18:27] Speaker C: Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan. Produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth and your host as always, Elena Papianis.
I'm getting that.
