Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: I feel like a thing that folks can get tripped up on around self care is that I mean wellness has become another industrial complex so we're told we're sold that in order to feel better about your life you have to take a ayahuasca journey in Peru.
[00:00:30] Speaker B: If you have question.
[00:00:35] Speaker C: I love you, you can simply ask your trusty Dear Queer.
Dear.
[00:00:58] Speaker B: Okay, cool. Well, welcome to Dear Queer. Today on the episod we are super excited to welcome guest Robin. Like okay, wait, you're gonna have to say your name so I don't mess it up. Yeah.
[00:01:14] Speaker A: Thank you. Lacombra.
[00:01:15] Speaker C: Lacombra.
[00:01:16] Speaker B: Lacambra.
[00:01:16] Speaker A: All short A's.
[00:01:18] Speaker B: Lacombra. I love it. Beautiful. Okay, well welcome to Dear Queer Robin Lacombra. She they as a queer Philippine X creative speaker and facilitator. Drawing from somatic relational psychotherapy, mindful movement and conflict meditation, Robin's work aims to demonstrate how interconnected we are, highlighting our shared responsibility to co create a just and liberated world alongside their role as the creator of good body feel, movement and therapy. The director of the Safer Spaces Project and a counselor at sasha which is the Sexual Assault center of Hamilton, Robin works with individuals, groups and organizations to foster self awareness, self awareness, resilience and healthier relationships and is just an all around cool person who we are super excited to chat with and get into some self care stuff. Welcome to the pod Robin.
[00:02:20] Speaker A: Thank you so much for having me.
[00:02:23] Speaker B: It is so great to have you. I'm sorry I stumbled through that. Is there any other pieces outside of work or just in your life that you'd like to add so that our listeners can get to know you a little bit?
[00:02:36] Speaker A: I am a weirdo. I'm such a goof. I often have my inner 3 year old present and it's a way for me to like show her that it's all going to be okay.
So you know, when I'm hearing back some of the things of bye bye, I'm like wow, I sound so serious. But it ain't that deep, it ain't that serious. I'm such like my child at heart is very much on my skin and that's how I like to lead. I like to lead with her wisdom and her joy.
[00:03:12] Speaker C: What comes to me when you say that too is like that having that inner kind of child on the outside means there's the fun part but there's also the vulnerable part. Right? Like there's also that like that softness too. And that's also what like I think has drawn me to you and the Things that you're. The content you're producing and the messages you're putting out there, because you're not. You don't shy away from being outwardly vulnerable and kind of exposing yourself in this way that is like, that brings people in.
[00:03:47] Speaker A: Well, thanks so much for that reference.
[00:03:49] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:03:50] Speaker A: I am a big softie. I, like, will often tell my fam, like, I'm going into soft boy mode.
This is a sad boy moment. So, like, be tender with me or leave me alone. Yeah.
But I appreciate that. And I remember really intentionally bringing that into the way that I show up in the world because it's so easy for folks to read me as, like, unfuckable, with which I am also on a level. But also I take. I really feel everything.
And I think as an eldest daughter of an immigrant single mother, I was forced to mask an armor quite young.
And my mom will often reflect back to me how when I was a teenager, I'd say things like, you took away my childhood. I wasn't allowed to be a twin. I had to be the second mom of the house.
And so now that I'm an adult, I'm allowing myself to feel the feelings that I was maybe not safe enough to feel out loud or encouraged to feel out loud when I was younger.
I think it's humanizing. I think for those of us who are in leadership positions who need to show our humanity and our humility and our vulnerability.
Because being a leader or being a self care advocate or whatever it is doesn't mean we're above feeling down. Right. And can I. Yeah, I really want to come from a place where can I leave from my down place? Can I leave from in the middle? Rather than this power over dynamic, can it be a power within and above?
[00:05:55] Speaker B: It's. It's like that moment when we figure out our parents are also human and flawed at like, in all the same ways that we are at that.
[00:06:05] Speaker C: Trickle down is part of your, like, being so open and like you were saying you'll warn people, be like this, I'm in softball mode. Like, is that. I mean, what you said was that basically growing up, you almost weren't allowed to do that.
[00:06:20] Speaker A: Right.
[00:06:21] Speaker C: And now you're being very upfront about that. Is that part of self care for you as well as being so open about where you're at?
[00:06:29] Speaker A: Absolutely. Yeah. Thank you for framing it that way. I don't think I've intentionally made that link.
And it reminds me of not getting that scene of the first Inside out movie where they recognize that Sadness actually invited connection from, like, when she was sad that she lost or like when sadness happened, it invited connection from other people. It invited care from the environment. It signaled to the outward environment I'm in need of care.
And so by being vulnerable out loud and feeling my feelings that I wasn't able to feel out loud when I was a kid, it was a. It is a way for me to signal that I need care from you.
And whether or not I get direct care from, like, if I make a sad post on Instagram, for example, sometimes it's not about receiving care from the folks who follow me, but also a meeting of, oh, me too. Like, I'm in that too. And that feels so connecting to know that I'm not alone and to know that by me giving voice to something, I might be inviting someone else to also give voice to that thing that maybe they didn't feel they were allowed to say out loud.
And that's really cool. Like, I'm remembering. Not too long ago, I posted a snapshot of a memoir that I'm working on and a dedication to scandal babies or love children and illegitimate children, because that's what I am. And it's not something that I've talked about out loud publicly. Like, I talk about it to my, you know, my close circle and my. My intimate community. But it isn't something that I've regularly broadcasted on social media before.
So that was a bit of a risk. But then a bunch of folks messaged me saying, wow, thank you for sharing this part of you.
I am too. And I never realized that this quote unquote label is something that unconsciously and insidiously seeps into the way that I feel about myself and the way that I interact with each other. So thank you for saying it out loud.
Yeah. So being vulnerable out loud absolutely. Is a floor of self care and the way to cultivate community care too, that we don't have to carry the heart things alone.
[00:09:23] Speaker C: Sorry, you sort of made the connection for us a little bit between self care and community care, but can you define them for us and maybe use some examples of what each one is?
[00:09:34] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. So I quickly. The thing that I used to say where, like, self care that doesn't get reinvested back into the community is just selfish and.
Yeah. So that. And the way that I think about self care is it's like depositing into your body bank. Body bank, meaning I feel energetic, I feel nourished, I feel rested. And that's a form of wealth. That's a form of privilege. And if we hoard wealth, if we hoard privilege, then you're a hoarder.
But there's, you know, there's real beauty in sharing a regulated nervous system. You know, like, if my body bank is full, I'm going to invest into my community, which is how I kind of got into conflict mediation and like group dynamic facilitation. It's like, okay, I'm feeling resourced. I can hold multiple truths in conflicts and not being swallowed by the riptide of like defense and protection. So can I hold space for community members as they're navigating conflict with each other.
And especially like I live in Hamilton, the queer community is small. So it's not like you can be in conflict with someone and then be like, well, bitch is done. I'm going to find like new fam over here that it's not like that. We have to be so committed to rolling around in the mud with each other. And rolling around in the mud with each other is so hard. It's not something that we're commonly taught. Growing up around like mindful, compassionate conflict resolution.
And yeah, I feel like self care for me is a way for me to feel nourished enough and have a full enough bank account to be like, all right, I'm going to hold you with it. Like, I can do this with you. I will help. I will be here with you.
Yeah. So it's like we fill up our bank account so that we can create community that we all deserve and help move community along where we all acknowledge that it's a group project.
And then it's like this feedback loop. Like I can't annihilate my own need for care in service of community. There needs to be balance. I can only invest from a full bank account. You know, you can only pour from a full cup. Whatever analogy you want to use. But yeah, the analogy that works for me is like self care is like depositing into my bank account, my body bank and community care is investing in it and watching that investment grow. And there's a feedback loop. And when I feel like, oh, I like I've invested too much money, I gotta like, I gotta fill up the stores again. Then I'll make sure to come back to my self care practices in service of being able to be a giving, loving community member.
[00:12:54] Speaker B: It's, it's that age old rupaulism of like, how, how are you going to love someone else if you can't love yourself? It's like, exactly, yeah.
That made me Think about too. I wonder if you could. If we could chat a bit about, like, in. In filling ourselves up. I think there's a tendency that with the ones we love and the ones we are closest to or in like, our, you know, family units, that we often fill ourselves up. At least this is maybe. Maybe I'm speaking from my experience and, like, go out into the world and, like, are more giving of that. And then our family members, when we're at home, they can kind of get the empty part of our tanks.
[00:13:43] Speaker C: Interesting. Yeah.
[00:13:44] Speaker B: I don't know if. Yeah. If that resonates for you or not.
[00:13:52] Speaker A: Majorly. Majorly. Majorly. Majorly. And it's where we feel more secure. We will show our softer bellies.
[00:14:00] Speaker B: Totally.
[00:14:01] Speaker A: And so our rage or our frustration, our irritability, that's like the soft belly.
And yeah. It reminds me of when I first opened. So Good Body Feel at one point was a physical studio.
And when I was first launching gbf, Good Body Seal.
Wow. Like, the folks that came to the studio got the best parts of me. They got the most patient, they got the most smiley, they got the most funny. Like, they got the best, shiniest parts of Robin and my sweet children and my very patient partner got the dregs, they got the crumbs.
And I think when I started to really see the impact of that and when I started really feeling burnout in my body, it made me reevaluate. Who do I want to have the best parts of me?
And can I redistribute? Like, coming back to redistribution. It's funny how much I lean on money analogies, but whatever. But, yeah, like, how can I redistribute the wealth of my patients, redistribute the wealth of my joy so that the people closest to me are also getting the privilege of my regulated nervous system and my energy?
And so then I started pulling. That's when I really started recognizing the practice of balance between self care and community care. I was losing myself in community. I was just giving, giving, giving, giving, giving. And then I'd come home in, like, turtle status. Sad boy. My kids wanted to play. I did not have the energy. Um, and. And I felt really shitty about that.
[00:16:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:14] Speaker A: So that's when I started intentionally paying attention to how I share myself. With whom? How often? Boundaries. Boundaries is like a new thing for me and how boundaries are a major part of self care and community care. It's how we keep each other safe and well.
[00:16:38] Speaker C: So I know I actually. Well, I will. I do want to know more about somatic therapy in particular, because I am very curious of whether or not that would be a. Not only a therapy for myself, but for my daughter. I tend to, like, I can get very stuck in my body. I can think rather than feel. And that's been part of my challenge over the last few years is to really, like, get into that feeling, the feelings rather than all of the thinking. But what are some practices that you think, like, most people would benefit from having in their lives?
[00:17:15] Speaker A: I love, hate this question because it's like, how long do we have?
Help us. Yeah, yeah, there are. So with somatic practices, really, it's just like, get in your body and honestly, whatever is the most accessible way for you to get in your body, do that and try to do it every day.
For me, it looks like this, what I'm doing right now, like, hand on heart, hand on gut, three big breaths and I just like, feel the contact of my hand on my heart so that my heart feels like, oh, I got me, yeah. And my hand on my gut, like, I love you, belly, you know, like this, this contact and like nourishing breaths.
And the thing with any type of embodied practice, you could be doing literally anything. Drinking coffee, but with intention, like, with presence. Like, I am drinking this coffee. I love caffeine so much. I love the way it tastes, the condensed milk.
[00:18:21] Speaker C: It feels like a good one for you. Lauren's a real coffee drinker.
[00:18:24] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. So it's like, what, Whatever. And brushing my teeth, it's like, can I brush my teeth with high quality attention? And so it's just bringing high quality attention to the ways that you're already using your body.
Having a relationship with your body doesn't necessarily mean doing a yoga thing three times a week for a full hour for it to count. It could really mean you brush your teeth every day, hopefully multiple times a day. So now you have multiple times a day where you can just add awareness to it and notice what's happening in your body. Like, oh, I can feel the bristles on my gums. I can feel the suds and the mint on my tongue. Like, what can you be aware of as you brush your teeth that's happening in your body so that your thoughts are being directed to the thing that your body's doing.
So that's the main thing is like, find something that you're already doing. What do you already do every day? And then pay attention to what's happening in your body as you're doing it. Washing the dishes. Can you, like, feel the water and the temperature of the water on your hands. Can you notice the motions and the actions that you're doing as you're washing the dishes or bending over to load the dishwasher or whatever? Like, it doesn't have to be a ceremony. Slash, can we turn daily actions into ceremony and can we turn daily things into something sacred?
A thing that I do between clients is I'll put on a song.
Like a song that makes me want to move and just like dance like a teenager in front of my mirror. And yeah, I love that. And then my body changes state. My energy changes its state. It doesn't take us much to change state. We just have to change it. Yeah, I think, you know, so if I like shake and like make noises or I'll like, you know, tap and slap and squeeze and then I'll notice how I feel after. It's like. And then my body.
[00:20:39] Speaker C: I love that because it makes it so much more accessible and less intimidating. Because often we can be given these practices that are like, take extra time out of your day and extra energy and you can get to the end of the day and be like, I should be doing these exercises or this meditation, but I can't. Like, I'm just too tired or I don't have the energy or I just don't want to think about it. So that's so nice. That's such a great way to think about it is just how can you build it in to the things you do already in a very present way? I feel like I use walks for that a lot. Every morning I need some sort of walk and I won't fill my ears with music or a podcast. Most of those times I'm just walking, letting like thoughts flow, paying attention to my body. So I'll notice Sometimes I'm like, man, I'm really walking. Like I'm on a mission. Like, like I can. I can actually just relax the body. Like I. This is just a walk. I don't have to feel all this kind of like, where's all this tension coming from? And I can kind of force myself to like, just be. Yeah, just be. Kind of be more embodied in that moment.
[00:21:42] Speaker B: Yeah, I love that.
Well, you've kind of touched on it a little bit. So I of like, maybe things that people get wrong with self care. It sounds like trying to make it this bigger thing than it isn't. Um, is there anything else that like people are kind of. Or misconceptions around around self care? I mean, I keep. I keep thinking back, thinking about what you said about not hoarding it and I was like, oh, that's so good.
[00:22:12] Speaker C: Yeah.
I have to say though, yeah. Lauren is not a hoarder. Lauren is one of the most generous people you'll ever meet. So like Lauren is the most thoughtful, like task oriented. What can I do for people and like to make people happy? So not a hoarder for sure over here.
[00:22:28] Speaker A: Not a hoarder.
[00:22:29] Speaker B: It's not. What is it?
[00:22:31] Speaker A: It's.
[00:22:31] Speaker B: There's no selfless act. Like I get joy from that. That's how I fill myself up.
[00:22:36] Speaker A: You do.
[00:22:37] Speaker C: But it's also like you are making connections when you're doing that and you're giving back. Like it's very obvious that you're giving to people when you're doing that.
[00:22:43] Speaker B: Well, thanks.
[00:22:44] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. That makes me think of like you talking about how that fills you up, the giving. There, there is this receiving.
[00:22:52] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:22:52] Speaker A: Again, bringing it back to finance bros.
Like it's your investment growing. Like if the interest or whatever. See this is where the analogy fails. Anything about something about putting money somewhere and it grows.
[00:23:10] Speaker B: High interest.
[00:23:12] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah. High interest fund.
[00:23:15] Speaker A: We're not finance pros.
[00:23:16] Speaker C: Not finance pros.
[00:23:17] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm. But yeah, I feel like a thing that folks can get tripped up on around self care is that, I mean wellness has become another industrial complex. So we're told, we're sold that in order to feel better about your life, you have to take a ayahuasca journey in Peru or a meditation retreat in Costa Rica in order to like feel better and like for sure those things hit. Like for sure they feel lovely.
[00:23:58] Speaker B: Let's go to Peru.
[00:23:59] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:24:00] Speaker A: Like, who would not want to just trip out in the jungle being cared for by an elder? Like that sounds beautiful. And it's not accessible. And, and why wait to afford that moment or why wait to get your two week vacation off if you have, you know, if you're full time employed and then can go. Like we can find micro moments in our day to day that feel like ease.
And every time we turn our attention to those micro moments that we had the opportunity to lean into every day they accumulate and then we are able to tap into that ease more. And like this world really needs us to find some ease so that we can continue to bear witness to how wounded we all are and how those words leak on each other and the planet. Like we need to find those moments of ease so that we can tend to the planet and tend to each other rather than destroy the planet and destroy each other. But when we feel too disregulated and overwhelmed, we, I feel debilitated by the overwhelm often.
And that's when I know, okay, gotta feel my body banked up like hand on heart, hand on God. Three deep breaths. Dance to something.
How can I share this moment of ease to create a little bit more ease in the world around me?
And it can be micro. Like there's nothing is too small.
And the micro moments that we find will grow because then we'll find more time, we do it and then it'll feel delicious. That not only are we latching our mindfulness practice to the time we brush our teeth, we're now like I will go on a 30 minute walk, you know, we create more time for it.
So the thing that people get wrong about self care is it doesn't have to cost money, it doesn't have to take a lot of time. It can. And those things are delicious. But it's also delicious to like find the micro moments and really, really, really, really be present with them.
[00:26:23] Speaker C: I love that. And those micro moments also in other things you talked about like setting boundaries, saying no. I read this Great book by Dr. Pooja Lakshman last year that came out called Real Self Care and she talks a lot about this. Like this kind of the element of privilege, privilege involved as well in being able to like self care isn't about these big, you know, retreats to Costa Rica. It is about saying no. It's about pausing before you respond to someone who's asking a request of you to like truly check in with yourself and decide whether or not that's something you can say yes to or like negotiating to make sure that it is something you can say yes to. And if you can't say no to something but you really want to, for whatever reason, you can't say no.
She suggested setting no boundaries for yourself. Meaning like I recognize that I can't say no to this at this time, but like I hope that a year from now I'm able to say no. Like and so that really speaks in my mind to this idea of micro moments. Again, it doesn't have to look big and sometimes it's only something you'll know that you've done.
But that's where the value is. Like you said, you're going to build up your strength to be able to live like that more consistently and then your bank will be fuller over time.
[00:27:43] Speaker A: Yeah, and I love how you talked about sometimes it's something you're doing internally that not other people will Know, and yeah, there are times where I'll be in conversation with family members. I love my mom so much. Okay, I'll preface. Like, I love my mom so much. She's the best and she's my mom. Yeah.
So, yeah, enough said.
Yeah. So there are times where she'll talk.
She'll be saying stuff to me that is activating or triggering or it's. It's like not feeling good to hear. And in another time, other times I would have, like, shut her down or told her to change or make her feel bad about herself for whatever reason, because she was making me feel bad. But now I've gotten to the point of like, oh, that's how my mom is showing me she loves me. It's a very prickly, judgmental, harsh love. But in this moment, she's trying to tell me she loves me. And can I do this, like, internal translation of, like, listen to the intention, not the words.
And also, like, water off a duck's back. Like, what she's saying isn't actually hurting me. And I, like, will, like, do something like that to just really receive what she's trying to give me. Yeah.
But my, you know, the way that I've been cultured and like, the way that I've been growing and sealing might not like the way that she's saying it or doing it. So there is this internal boundary of, like, I want to maintain connection with my mom. I understand at the root of this, this is love. I have the privilege of translating what she say and what she's meaning. And so I can give her this moment to. To give me her motherly love. And I can give myself this moment of receiving her motherly love, even though it sounds prickly.
And those are like, forms of internal boundaries too, where I'm not telling her anymore. Like, don't say it like that. Why you gotta be a bitch? I'm like, letting her do her motherly thing and I'm doing the work of translating and organizing.
Yeah. And that would be an example too, of self care for community care. Right. Like, I had the privilege of knowing differently and being able to translate and navigate different languages of science, the way we communicate and what we mean.
And since I have the privilege of being able to do that, why force her to change in order for me to receive.
[00:30:47] Speaker B: I think that's a good reminder too, that we don't need to let other people's emotions or where, you know, depending how full their self care cup is, we don't need to let that internalize that onto our own. Just because someone else may be spinning out or you know, presenting something in maybe a prickly fashion, it like their landscape does like not need to dictate our own individual one. We can still just be kind of floating.
I think I appreciate what you said earlier about, you know, there is so much in the world right now that can be extremely draining. You know, every time we open up our phones, it's horrendous what's going on in Lebanon and Palestine and all of those things. And I think part of it, it could be like we get so we don't even want to look anymore. And I think having those little moments where we fill ourselves up so that we can be intentional with it and engage with those things is really important so that we can redistribute and help create the world that, that we really want to see with this stuff. Like. Yeah, I think just, yeah, this, this stuff of self care can sound frivolous, but I think it's so, so important right now. Yeah, we really, really appreciate it.
[00:32:11] Speaker C: Yeah. It's like the building blocks of the, of the community, really.
[00:32:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:16] Speaker C: And feeling interconnected. I'm going to kind of combine two questions into our final question for this. Firstly, where can people find you? And secondly, what might they be able to come to you for in terms of services?
[00:32:31] Speaker A: Yeah. Okay, thank you. You can find me atgoodbodyfield.com and it really shows all the things or tries to show the things that I do.
And on social media at Good Body Feel or at Royola. Royola spelled R O Y O L A met twice.
Yeah. And folks can come to me for all sorts of things. I love working one on one with folks, whether it's through therapeutic contexts like somatic relational therapy or. I, I've done like before I was a therapist, I, I did somatic coaching, but then I, I went to therapy.
Access or be able to be accessible to folks who have insurance money that they want to spend on individual work. But before that I was doing somatic coaching. So those are the ways that I work one on one with folks. I also do conflict resolution or conflict mediation. Sometimes that just looks like group dynamic work. Coming into an organization and equipping a team with a shared vocabulary so that they know how to speak to each other. And we create scripts with each other around how to like self advocate, advocate for another person. How to take accountability. Oh my goodness. If we all could learn how to take accountability literally, World peace, like literally. Yeah. Yeah.
So if you want to learn how to take accountability with a goofy me hit me up. And then I've done keynotes for things around group dynamics, self care, for community care, and with sharing, like these practices, these tools on how to fill up our body bank and what it looks like to then deposit into the community as well.
Yeah, look at good body feel. See the things. I am a forever student, so I'm just always adding stuff to my Mary Poppins bag of tricks.
And because I'm just like really addicted to my own self improvement and my own healing. And when I find the tool that works for me, I'm like, oh, have you tried this tool? Like it really works well for me. Have you tried it might work well for you.
Which is why I'm like, see me for whatever. I'll help.
[00:35:04] Speaker C: You'll figure it out. Well, I think we found our guest for the how do you apologize Episode because we've been wanting to do an episode on how to apologize and that, like how to be accountable, like how to take accountability. Just feels perfectly in line. So I think we'll be pinging you for for a conversation about that sometime soon.
[00:35:23] Speaker B: This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts, who we will bring in from time to time. Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan. Produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host, as always, Elena Papianas.
I'm getting that.
