Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: That was a huge don't. And I have done that.
[00:00:01] Speaker B: I've done it too. That's why I'm saying yes.
[00:00:05] Speaker A: When it's too fresh or you just can't, it just ends up coming out. And then suddenly you're in a therapy session with this poor person who just wanted to go on a first date.
If you have a question, I love you.
You can we.
Today on the pod, we're talking about being single and dating. I'm single right now, which is a pretty normal state for me, but sometimes people imply that it's abnormal. Last year at my daughter's piano recital, I was sitting with some folks I didn't really know, and there was an empty seat beside me. One of them asked me if my partner was coming. I don't have one, I said. Her voice went high pitched as she blushed and awkwardly stumbled through some words that she didn't really sound like she believed about how it's healthy to take time for yourself.
Why was she embarrassed about pointing out that I was single? Did she worry that she had made me feel uncomfortable or embarrassed or abnormal?
And a few years ago, an acquaintance egged me on. Why are you single? You're such a catch. There are lots of reasons I'm single, I thought. Although I did agree with his assessment that I'm a catch. A small dating pool, my age, my tendency to pick the wrong people, to name a few. I replied that dating isn't easy. I think that's pretty normal, actually.
I don't feel like I'm lacking a partner in my daily life, but I do in my more difficult moments. That's when life can feel like too much for one person, like carrying a heavy item. It's easier with help. One person can pull while the other pushes one, navigating so that the other will have an easier time. Sometimes, without that help, a task can feel impossible. Sometimes they are impossible.
During the pandemic lockdown, I was often envious of people locked down with partners, even if they hated each other, because they could at least participate in things that required two people, like climbing up a ladder safely or moving a heavy dresser or TikTok trends. Not the dances, but the back cracking. I could dance on my own, but backcracking was a two person job. I would watch videos of people cracking their backs at home with the help of a partner who would manipulate them into the perfect position for a few satisfying pops. I envied the relief they felt at those pops, wanting them for myself.
Some things in this world are a two person job.
I seriously was like, as someone who has, like, a chronic spot where I would just love a good crack, I was so envious of people who could get that right at home.
[00:03:07] Speaker B: I love it. I have so many thoughts about what you said, and it's like, that person, you said it was a recital.
[00:03:15] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:03:16] Speaker B: Even just the, like, it's good to take time and what that implies.
[00:03:21] Speaker A: Right. Just sometimes we actually don't all need.
[00:03:24] Speaker B: To be partnered because the assumption with that is, oh, okay. Yes, it's okay for you to be single for this set amount of time, but for you to just clock back into the constraint system.
[00:03:39] Speaker A: Yeah. You got to clock back into that at some point.
[00:03:42] Speaker B: You'll come back in here soon, right. That's the goal.
[00:03:44] Speaker A: Yeah. Just take a bit of time to wander around a bit and then come on back. Come back. Yeah. And she was very, so uncomfortable afterwards. She was like, all high pitched and like, oh, yeah, no, it's just so deeply uncomfortable.
[00:03:58] Speaker B: It was quite remarkable, I think, though I'm sure I've said something similar to this, but it just tells you more about where their comfort lies.
[00:04:05] Speaker A: That's true.
[00:04:05] Speaker B: Because they're telling you more about themselves than you are about them. They don't know your orientation to being single or not or if you're looking or not. And all of those are valid and beautiful.
The only reason that you might not be partnered is because you're not a catch or you're not. Excuse me. Yeah, maybe actually, that's the reason I'm not partnered is because I'm such a catch and have high standards.
[00:04:34] Speaker A: Yeah, that was really funny, that kind of assumption. It kind of implies that it's my fault that I'm single. Yeah.
[00:04:43] Speaker B: And not like, oh, maybe what you're doing is not going to bring anyone into your life that isn't additive. And it's like, there's no need unless you find someone who brings value and it's a level up.
[00:04:58] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. And it adds value to what you already have going, which is, like, full enough already. It's not like there's a huge gap somewhere that you're trying to fill, which is, I think, a trap that a lot of us have probably been in before where we want someone else. As though there is a missing puzzle.
[00:05:17] Speaker B: Piece or the approach to dating, if you're approaching it from an abundance mindset versus, I think, just being in that headspace opens us up to so much more possibilities. So then you're not attached to this outcome of, like, I'm dating to find a partner or find a person to fill this gap. It's like, oh, I feel really great about who I am and where I'm at and if the right person can fit into that fun for all.
[00:05:46] Speaker A: Bonus. Yeah, absolutely. Not looking at it from this place of lack where it's like, I need that as the final piece to fulfill things, which is something that I definitely have had to kind of let go of.
Yeah. Of that idea of any one particular outcome.
[00:06:07] Speaker B: Okay.
What does being single mean to you right now?
[00:06:13] Speaker A: I think I've gone through waves of how I feel about it. It's normal for me. It's the way my life normally is for huge chunks of time.
But I think I've gone through a stage where when there's more difficult things going on in life and when it would be really nice to have someone around who you don't have to. Not that I have friends and there's people who I reach out to and reach out to me, but just that idea of having someone around who you don't have to explain everything to and who just is already there to witness it, then I've missed that.
[00:06:51] Speaker B: The intimacy of having to catch someone. I guess. I think we talked about that too, in our loneliness episode. And I loved what you shared about being at the vet with Gus and returning to you. And I think there is some innate thing in us to be that drives us for connectivity.
Whether or not that looks like romantic partnership or could be found through friends or whatever the case may be. I think it's something that. It's very. In us.
[00:07:22] Speaker A: Yeah. Just that connection and that awareness that someone else is kind of watching out for you or there for you. And that made me really think about that phase, made me really think about how I feel. Like when you are in a partnership, at a certain point, you almost forget what it was like when you were single.
[00:07:42] Speaker B: Maybe I'm guilty of that.
[00:07:44] Speaker A: I don't know. I'm curious. What do you think? But you kind of. Because it's so natural at that point. So you forget what it's like until maybe you do have a breakup and then suddenly your world shrinks down again.
Because when you're in a partnership, if it's with one person, your things are at least doubled.
[00:08:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:06] Speaker A: Like, literally your wardrobe. You know what I mean?
[00:08:09] Speaker B: Especially in queer relationships and when you're similar size.
[00:08:14] Speaker A: So, like, your wardrobe, your network, because their people are your people.
[00:08:19] Speaker B: Totally.
[00:08:20] Speaker A: Too. Right. And so then it's only moments when we lose that or we don't have that, that we're like, hey, everybody else.
Yeah, don't forget, because, yeah, it's just kind of someone there to witness you in a way.
[00:08:37] Speaker B: And then conversely, too, I think it's interesting going from being single, because I spent plenty of time being single as well. Also, I'm going to try and not do the thing where the person in relationship is like, well, now that I'm in a relationship, I know all of the things you ought to be doing.
Gross.
[00:08:54] Speaker A: Patronizing. Yes. So gross.
[00:08:57] Speaker B: But going from being single to in a partnership, something that I've been thinking about lately is there's a self. I don't know if selfish is the right word, but when you're single, it's like, I do this at this time.
And then now it's like, Devin, I are getting married. And I'm like, oh, my goodness. Okay, I need to re approach how I think of us as a unit and the things that we do. Like, okay, I have a vehicle. This is our vehicle. Now. What does that look know, my default setting might have been, oh, I have the car all the time. And I'm like, oh, no, we need.
[00:09:33] Speaker A: To have the conversation.
[00:09:34] Speaker B: And there's things I don't want to say, give up. But it's just like, kind of compromise and figure out it's suddenly something.
[00:09:43] Speaker A: You're including that before wouldn't have been part of the picture. Yes. So, yeah, that might take some shifting around or just like, an expansion of views so that everyone can fit in.
[00:09:52] Speaker B: Yeah, I was just so in my routine before, and now I'm like, oh, there's another person, and it's our routine, and we have our individual things and our partnership things and how do they all kind of all of that together? Yeah, I think it's, regardless of single partner, we're always navigating something. Yeah, I didn't mean to sidetrack us towards partnership and dating.
[00:10:18] Speaker A: No, but that's. We. I mean, maybe we should just go into dating, then. So, provided you are dating when you're single. Because sometimes people just prefer even not to date for periods of time, which is valid. Right.
[00:10:33] Speaker B: What do you think about this? Date yourself?
[00:10:36] Speaker A: The date yourself? Yeah. Oh, I'm a proponent of that. I love that. Yeah, I'll date myself. I date myself all the time.
No, I like that. I'll go out and just kind of bring a notepad and go to a bar or cafe or whatever and just kind of be by myself. And sometimes it's at night or other times during the day, but there's other groups of people and they're all chatting and I'm just kind of, like, out there on my own, doing my own thing. I think it's great because, I mean, obviously I will if I say I'm doing it. I'm not going to say it's a bad thing. So maybe I'm a little biased, but I think it's important to not feel self conscious about the fact that you're just on your own, because if you're worried about how that's going to look, then you're worried about a negative stigma being attached to it or that you don't have people or friends or if you're not able to do it, I feel like maybe it's because you're worried about the negative associations that go along with it. Yeah.
[00:11:35] Speaker B: And those things are often so much more in our own brains and no one else is thinking about.
[00:11:40] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:40] Speaker B: I remember after a long term relationship ended and I was living in California, in Los Angeles, and I went to an Ariana Grande concert by myself.
[00:11:52] Speaker A: Oh, yeah.
[00:11:53] Speaker B: And I was like, oh, my gosh. Yeah, I can just do that. And it felt so amazing.
[00:11:59] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:59] Speaker B: And I had a seat, but then it was like, at the ace hotel, which is this kind of smaller theater venue. And I was like, I'm by myself.
And I just kind of walked right up to the front.
[00:12:13] Speaker A: Amazing.
[00:12:13] Speaker B: And I was like, oh, I probably wouldn't have done this if I was like, I don't know. I just think there's so many things that it affords you and it's like, yeah, no one cares. No one's looking at whether I'm here on my own. I'm just having a great time because I want to see Ariana.
[00:12:26] Speaker A: Yeah, I've been to a couple of concerts alone and I actually love it because.
Yeah, exactly. You can move around the way you want to leave, stay for as long as you want, whatever. It's just up to you. And it's just this experience that is just your own. And there's like something. I don't know, I think there's something really valuable in that, that you're just, like, doing something that you want to and not being reliant on the fact that there needs to be someone else there with you to experience something. You can experience things on your own. We do that all the time. Right. So it's not a negative thing for sure.
[00:13:01] Speaker B: And it's like, we've talked about people pleasing on this episode, too. And it's like, oh, yeah. If you're there with someone, then you're like, oh, do you want to stay? Do you want to go? Sometimes I'm like, oh, I had just the right amount.
[00:13:11] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:13:12] Speaker B: Perfect night for me. I'm going to go home and not stay to the end or whatever it is, or I'm going to go find that next thing. And you get to kind of just lean into your interest and what you want and need in that moment, which I think can be really beautiful. Yeah. Okay.
Big proponents of being single here on the pod. Yes.
You are someone who is interested in partnership and go on dates. I mean, I love our little voice note updates when we get them.
Let's shift into dating a bit. Any single advice for daters? Is there anything you'd want folks who are partnered to know about their single friends?
[00:14:01] Speaker A: Oh, that's interesting. I guess so. Just from that experience that I had where I really kind of noticed it. Yeah. Like the check ins are valued, the offers are valued to drop something off or take care of something for you or come with you somewhere if you have an appointment you need to go to or something and you're alone.
Those things, I think are always appreciated and just anything that signals that awareness that you're acknowledging that someone is going through something on their own.
[00:14:36] Speaker B: Okay, I have a question. Maybe this is an etiquette question.
Say I'm planning a dinner or a weekend.
I mean, I kind of know how we do this because I don't know, you're often with Dev and I.
[00:14:51] Speaker A: True.
[00:14:51] Speaker B: And I don't feel weird about it. I don't know if you do. But we were planning like a group outing and I realized that it was all couples except for one person.
[00:15:04] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:15:06] Speaker B: What's the etiquette there? I don't want to exclude anyone, but I'm like, oh, are they going to feel weird if they show up? And it's like eight couples and them.
[00:15:13] Speaker A: Right. That's a good question. I mean, I did bring a date to something recently when we were going in and it was all other couples and I was like, I will be the only single person there. Yeah.
[00:15:24] Speaker B: Was that the reason for bringing the date or was it because the timing or just a fun opportunity to play bingo with some queers?
[00:15:31] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, maybe it was a bit of, I might not have if it wasn't so obvious that I would be the only one. That's a good question. I don't know. I haven't really investigated that. But it was also just opportunity that it wasn't a good chance to involve someone.
[00:15:54] Speaker B: But it is this interesting time of life when or not necessarily time of life, but just sometimes your friend group hits where the majority of people are partnered and it ebbs and flows. People are often in and out of relationships, and so the dynamic can shift. Whereas you might have had a few people who were single and then. So it kind of just felt like this natural thing, but then if it can, more towards partnership, and then there might be this od person out, and then I always worry, I'm like, oh, my gosh, are they going to feel weird? But I'm never going to not want to include someone because of that. Because that seems like the worst thing you could do.
[00:16:34] Speaker A: I mean, I definitely love being a third or fifth wheel. I definitely don't mind. It's kind of fun.
[00:16:39] Speaker B: It never feels weird to me.
[00:16:41] Speaker A: No.
[00:16:42] Speaker B: I'm like, yeah, let's go.
[00:16:43] Speaker A: Yeah. No. And I appreciate being involved in stuff because sometimes people don't think of you because you're not part of a partnership.
[00:16:50] Speaker B: Right. Maybe it's just providing the information ahead so that the other person can, like, you obviously put it together that bingo was shaping up to be a bunch of couples.
[00:16:59] Speaker A: Yeah, I guess. I don't know.
[00:17:00] Speaker B: But then if we want to stay on that example.
[00:17:03] Speaker A: So that's a funny one because I wonder if pointing it out is weird or not.
[00:17:09] Speaker B: Is it?
[00:17:10] Speaker A: Yeah, because then it's one of those things where you're like, just so you.
[00:17:13] Speaker B: Know, you are the odd one out.
[00:17:15] Speaker A: But that's not weird. But you might think it's weird. But I'm telling you, I don't think it's weird, but I'm still pointing it out to you. So that's a funny one. That is a really funny one.
I guess it depends on who that person is and if you feel like they might be self conscious about it or not.
[00:17:31] Speaker B: Is this shady or sneaky? Not necessarily pointing it out explicitly, but being, like, this person and this person and this person.
[00:17:39] Speaker A: Yeah. If you just.
[00:17:40] Speaker B: Guest list.
[00:17:40] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, that's probably a way to do it. Be like, okay, the group has formed. This is the final group. And then you throw it out there.
[00:17:48] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh, we can totally get into plus ones for weddings and things.
[00:17:54] Speaker A: Oh, yeah.
[00:17:54] Speaker B: Have you ever been in the situation where people try and put parameters around plus ones of, like, if you're with them for long enough and things like that, and I'm like, give me or don't give me one. When I was single, this is how it felt.
[00:18:08] Speaker A: So they would want it to be a significant enough person.
Excuse me.
[00:18:12] Speaker B: No, you do not get to decide that.
[00:18:14] Speaker A: Yeah.
So you've had that.
[00:18:18] Speaker B: I have a friend who went through a bit of an experience around that and feeling very weird about it. And it's like, also, if you're asking, I think context matters of how close you are, but I think if you're asking a single friend to go to a wedding, especially if it's travel or it's not their immediate friend group, you should always give a plus one. And to me, it doesn't matter whether they're a romantic partner or not.
[00:18:44] Speaker A: Right.
[00:18:44] Speaker B: Because I think asking someone to go solo to a wedding is not the vibe.
[00:18:49] Speaker A: Yeah. No. Like you said, especially if it's not where they have. Yeah.
[00:18:52] Speaker B: I mean, there's things at play, for sure, but. Yeah, I think all those questions are. I don't know. I think that those dynamics and how we navigate them is interesting.
[00:19:00] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:19:01] Speaker B: Keeping in kind of dating and etiquette. I have a listener question, and it would actually, I think it's our first audio.
[00:19:10] Speaker A: Audio. Nice question. Nice.
[00:19:12] Speaker B: Hi, dear queer.
[00:19:13] Speaker C: I have a question about dating etiquette. I matched with a cutie on a dating app, and we've been talking for a little bit and made plans to go on a date. But as we were chatting, I realized that we had matched on another app several months ago, and I'm wondering if I should mention that before I meet them in person or during the date, we had talked back and forth kind of about a similar topic, but then they kind of let the conversation die, but they've been driving it this time and initiated plans for a date. So just a little dating etiquette question for you. Thank you.
[00:19:57] Speaker A: That was really cute.
Do you want to go first or should I go?
[00:20:01] Speaker B: No, this is all you.
[00:20:02] Speaker A: This is me. Oh, gosh. I mean, I think there's no harm in bringing it up as long as it's not in an accusatory kind of.
You messed it up last time. Like, we matched. And as long as it's not in a way that puts someone on the defense where it feels like you're accusing them of something because things happen. Like maybe they ended up dating someone else for a while, exclusively, and so then they trailed off. Or maybe they were really busy, or maybe they were overwhelmed with life and they weren't dating for a while.
[00:20:32] Speaker B: I think leaning into it is where I would probably go, and I think it's an opportunity for some humor.
[00:20:40] Speaker A: It could be a good origin story then, too. They have. It could be part of a nice, cute story in the end.
[00:20:45] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh. Queer community. So small. You just got to kind of laugh. And in the same breath, you can probably map your exes and overlapping friend groups and all of the things.
[00:20:56] Speaker A: Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Are we going to do our own Toronto Elward map chart? Is this where we're going? Oh, God, please, no.
Hard pass. Okay, pass. Yeah, hard pass.
[00:21:06] Speaker B: Although I guess I am lucky, having lived out of the country for many years, that my exes are scattered.
[00:21:12] Speaker A: That is nice. That is nice. Any other etiquette things that we can think of?
What about my story where I lied on that date?
[00:21:20] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. How do you want to get into that?
[00:21:22] Speaker A: It's a funny thing to admit, and it's funny because it's not like me, but I did lie on a date a little while ago, and I think I remember telling you and the group in a voice note about that. Let me explain. So, I was on this date, and the way questions were being asked was kind of not exactly accusatory, but it felt like there was a wrong answer.
[00:21:54] Speaker B: I remember this coming back, and it.
[00:21:56] Speaker A: Was an innocuous thing. It wasn't something about fundamentally who I am or what I value. It wasn't anything like that. It was just, like, a factual detail that I lied about. I just basically said yes to something because it felt like if I had said no, there was some judgment that would come along with it or some. You know what I mean? It was weighted.
[00:22:19] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:22:20] Speaker A: I don't know. Anytime I experienced something like that, well, I mean, I felt like it put me on the defense automatically. Like it was a weird space to be in, because I was suddenly like, yes. And I didn't even realize I was doing it. And then I was like, why did I do that? I was like, oh, it's because it felt like there was a wrong answer. Anytime something like that happens, it's just always something I try and remind myself of not to do then, as well. Like questions where asking questions but without some sort of obvious expectation of an answer, of a particular answer.
[00:22:51] Speaker B: No. Leading the witness.
[00:22:53] Speaker A: Yeah, right.
[00:22:54] Speaker B: Well, I think, too, even at the beginning of dating, we say all kinds of stuff because it's this constant, kind of like you're sending out little ships to see what lands.
[00:23:06] Speaker A: I mean, I don't recommend that you lie.
[00:23:08] Speaker B: So you're on this date, you get the sense that they want a particular answer.
It falls out of you. You give that answer.
[00:23:17] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:23:18] Speaker B: Is there any coming back from that?
Okay, so do you see this person again?
[00:23:23] Speaker A: I did not. Not necessarily because of the lie. But it was more that the kind of questioning was a common vibe of it, and it felt it just wasn't the right vibe for me. Yeah.
[00:23:35] Speaker B: It seems like your energies weren't matched with fear feeling. Yeah.
Are there circumstances where you think, like, a little dating might lie is okay? Should we do some do's and don'ts of dating?
[00:23:47] Speaker A: Yeah, let's do do's and don'ts. What are some other do's and don'ts?
[00:23:50] Speaker B: Do voice. Note your friends after with all the juicy details.
[00:23:55] Speaker A: That's for everyone's benefit.
What about you're fresh off a breakup? How soon after do you go on a first date with someone new?
[00:24:06] Speaker B: I think you get back out there, but you get back out there in a very casual way, and you don't get back out there unless you can be on a date without talking about your ex.
[00:24:18] Speaker A: Oh, my God. You read my mind. That was a huge don't, and I have done that.
[00:24:21] Speaker B: I've done it, too.
[00:24:22] Speaker A: That's why I'm saying yes.
When it's too fresh or you just can't, it just ends up coming out, and then suddenly you're in a therapy session with this poor person who just wanted to go on a first date. Yeah.
[00:24:34] Speaker B: I also think this is a don't, which I absolutely did on Dev and my first date, which is like, you don't need to get all of your. Okay, do you want kids? You do not need to get all of those questions in your first date.
[00:24:52] Speaker A: Right.
[00:24:53] Speaker B: Maybe I'm doing first date do's and don't.
[00:24:55] Speaker A: Well, I mean, that's good, too, right? Because that's maybe the most important date. In a way. It determines whether or not you have a second one, and then exponentially after that.
[00:25:07] Speaker B: I just think being more playful and casual in those first dates is a good way for people to get a sense of you. And I think it can be easy for people to get very serious about it and concerned with, does this person fit right? And that will happen, but it's also like, maybe they're a friend.
[00:25:30] Speaker A: And day one, it doesn't have to be determined in stone.
[00:25:33] Speaker B: Any things people have done on dates with you, and you're like, that told me everything I need to know.
[00:25:40] Speaker A: Oh, that's a good question. Do you have anything come to mind?
[00:25:46] Speaker B: Okay. I don't know. It kind of made me think of a funny story where I went on this date with this woman, and the restaurant we went to was kind of just out of the city, and so I was like, oh, I'll pick you up, we'll drive together. And we got there and I totally forgot my wallet. It was so embarrassing. And it was a place everywhere in LA you pretty much have to valet park. And at the time, there wasn't apps or any of this stuff. And I couldn't even. Not only could I not contribute to dinner, I couldn't even pay the valet for the car ride. But bless her, she was so sweet about it.
Needless to say, I did not get a second date.
[00:26:30] Speaker A: Oh, man, that is too funny.
[00:26:33] Speaker B: But no, she was so sweet about it. And I had gone out of my way to pick her up, so maybe there was some redemption.
[00:26:39] Speaker A: Yeah, you would think so, because you didn't need to do that.
[00:26:43] Speaker B: We worked in the same industry, and so we did actually end up kind of chatting here and there, but there was no dates after that. I don't know if that was the reason, the reason or not, but I.
[00:26:56] Speaker A: Feel like this podcast as a whole is just turning into me admitting all the things I've done wrong.
[00:27:02] Speaker B: Hey, same here.
[00:27:03] Speaker A: Just one huge Maya culpa. I've also done the thing.
This was in my people pleasing days.
[00:27:10] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:27:11] Speaker A: Where if I really wanted to see one person in particular, I would like change my schedule around so that I could see them.
[00:27:22] Speaker B: Yeah, changing your schedule, I guess, too, then you might feel resentful if they then didn't show or. I don't know. I feel like dates at those early stages can be kind of tenuous of whether or not they will happen because you aren't yet a priority in someone's life, and now you're twisting your schedule and prioritizing someone who might not be at that emotional or commitment level with you.
[00:27:46] Speaker A: It just was a sign that I was willing to shift myself and my things around for someone else versus having them fit into what is already there in a healthy way.
[00:27:57] Speaker B: Yeah. I was thinking about something that, I don't know, I enjoy doing in earlier dating as maybe a do. I think I really enjoy those little gestures.
I think maybe a don't is I can get uncomfortable if people do too much or if someone's going out of their way to buy you dinner or do those kind of things and spending a lot. But then if someone takes the time to write a little note or send a key, I don't know, maybe.
[00:28:31] Speaker A: No, I know what you mean. Something that isn't big, but it's thoughtful because the grand stuff can just seem too much too soon.
[00:28:39] Speaker B: I'm a big fan of a simple date walks. But then maybe there's some sort of thought behind it from a conversation you've had.
[00:28:47] Speaker A: What do you think of early on, if it's like a first or second date?
Did you have any rules around weeknights versus weekends for dates?
[00:28:58] Speaker B: No, not really.
When I was on the apps, I really tried to get if I thought there was a connection, I really tried to move to that initial in person.
I think for me, shortening that time.
[00:29:11] Speaker A: Really helped, like, of chatting online before you meet. Yeah, I agree. I like that, too, better, because if you're chatting online for too long, sometimes it just trails away and then nothing ever happens. You lose the momentum of wanting to meet. So, yeah, I'm definitely.
[00:29:27] Speaker B: Do you have rules or, like, even. Okay, how soon after a date until you can schedule an x date if you're feeling them?
[00:29:34] Speaker A: I mean, I don't think right away. Yeah, I think you need to let it breathe a little bit.
[00:29:39] Speaker B: Are we playing hard to get? Do you do any of that weird stuff?
[00:29:43] Speaker A: No, because I know how it can feel being on the other end of it, so I try not to do that. I mean, you know my Halloween costume from this year? I do so many. Most of you won't. But I dressed basically in all hospital garb, and I had a sign around my neck that said, sick of dating. Like, that was my diagnosis.
That was, like, quite a cynical costume.
[00:30:12] Speaker B: I thought it was hilarious.
[00:30:13] Speaker A: It was really funny. And that's why I do a lot of things that I do, because I did think it was funny. But I don't think I'm actually in a cynical place about dating anymore.
[00:30:22] Speaker B: I love that.
[00:30:23] Speaker A: Which is good, even.
[00:30:25] Speaker B: Do you mean from October to now even?
[00:30:27] Speaker A: I think so.
[00:30:28] Speaker B: Amazing.
[00:30:29] Speaker A: Well, I think I just. Because sometimes the hard part about dating is just the monotony and the repetitive. Like another first date. Another first date. And you might end up talking about similar things or trying to find where to go for that first date.
[00:30:45] Speaker B: It can be emotionally exhausting, too, to your essay point of you're having to catch someone up on your whole dang life.
[00:30:54] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:30:54] Speaker B: And that's kind of exhausting.
[00:30:55] Speaker A: It is exhausting. Yeah. So I think if you've reached a point where you are feeling cynical, then that's a time to not date. Probably because you're not actually going to be open to the positive things that can come from it. You'll probably be a little closed off if you kind of have this underlying cynicism or bitterness or resentment or whatever it is that's kind of come from.
[00:31:19] Speaker B: Somewhere and just not able to show up in a way.
[00:31:21] Speaker A: Yeah. So if you can't be present and enjoy it, then there's no shame at all in taking a break from it.
[00:31:28] Speaker B: I love that.
[00:31:29] Speaker A: Okay, so after our last episode, we had some listeners write in with responses to my question that I asked on instagram in response to my question about lessons in love that people have learned over time. And I just want to share a few of those.
[00:31:46] Speaker B: I love it.
[00:31:46] Speaker A: So one person said, you have to be honest about what you want and need to them and to yourself, because a lot of times we can kind of be in denial about what we want, or even we can have the.
[00:31:59] Speaker B: Idea of what we think we want, when in reality, what we might actually need is a little bit different.
[00:32:06] Speaker A: Yeah. Another listener said, I think that being in love on its own is not enough. You both have to want to put in the effort as well. And I think we touched on that a little bit in our episode. In our discussion.
[00:32:20] Speaker B: We have some smart listeners. We do. Also, listeners, please send us your questions. We do want to hear from you.
[00:32:26] Speaker A: Or comments, whatever, all of it. Another person said, attachment theory. It helped me avoid my own trap of desiring people who distanced themselves. Very classic.
I could do a whole episode on that one.
We will be. And then we had one more. They said, believe people when they show you what you mean to them.
[00:32:49] Speaker B: That could be really beautiful.
[00:32:50] Speaker A: That could be beautiful.
[00:32:51] Speaker B: Or on the other side, we're in our optimism era.
[00:32:56] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:32:57] Speaker B: Awesome.
[00:32:57] Speaker A: Oh, actually, there is one more. Realizing the difference between limerance and love.
[00:33:02] Speaker B: Wait, what's limerance?
[00:33:03] Speaker A: We should probably do that. An episode on that, too. That dopamine phase.
[00:33:08] Speaker B: Oh, like NRE. That little NRE glimmer.
[00:33:11] Speaker A: I guess so. Let me even look up. Exactly. Limerance state of involuntary obsession with another person.
[00:33:18] Speaker B: Okay, wait, so can you read the comment again?
[00:33:21] Speaker A: Knowing the difference between limerance and love? Yeah. So limerance is more kind of on the lust scale and the kind of obsessive desire.
[00:33:33] Speaker B: Yeah. Do I even like you? Or do I just like the idea of you? And now I'm fixated on that.
[00:33:39] Speaker A: Exactly. That's exactly it.
[00:33:41] Speaker B: Nailed it.
[00:33:42] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:33:43] Speaker B: Sweet.
[00:33:43] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:33:44] Speaker B: Well, I think that's it.
[00:33:46] Speaker A: Yeah. If you like an episode, please actually like it and rate us. Share it with someone else. Tell all your friends, and please send us your comments or questions as well. We'd love to hear from you. Dear queer.
[00:34:02] Speaker B: This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts, who we will bring from time to time. Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan. Produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host, as always, Elena Papianas.
I'm getting that.
