Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Oh, how's this flavor? Do you recommend it?
[00:00:02] Speaker B: I need to buy some really Calamansi.
[00:00:04] Speaker A: Do you just get it from Loblasser?
[00:00:06] Speaker B: Yeah. And they're five bucks for a case right now.
[00:00:07] Speaker A: I'm going to go get some on.
[00:00:08] Speaker B: The way home and we're recording.
[00:00:10] Speaker A: Okay. Excellent. You know, that's the mundane, everyday stuff that people want glimpses of. That's our candid selves right there.
[00:00:25] Speaker B: If you have a question.
[00:00:30] Speaker A: Have no fear, you can.
Dear.
[00:00:50] Speaker B: Welcome back to Dear Queer. After a little bit of a break.
[00:00:54] Speaker A: Yeah, I think we've both been a little, like, just busy and overwhelmed and had a. We've been juggling a lot of balls.
Let. Let me rephrase that.
[00:01:06] Speaker B: Take two.
[00:01:07] Speaker A: We've been. We've been juggling a lot and our capacity has been a little bit maxed, so sometimes, unfortunately, our recording sessions have been minimal.
[00:01:18] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm not mad about it. I also got. Well, had a family wedding.
[00:01:23] Speaker A: Yeah, we have to talk about that.
Congratulations. Thanks. Yeah.
Should we get into that stuff?
[00:01:31] Speaker B: I mean, we can.
[00:01:32] Speaker A: I mean, first of all, you. Was it.
So who wanted to get married? Did you both want to get married? What were your. What were your views on marriage? Even, like, in the past, I kind.
[00:01:45] Speaker B: Of always assumed I would get married.
I don't know why. Probably because of a socialization.
And like, the examples that I had. Dev, I think, would have been fine not to get married. After we got engaged, I think Dev had a little bit of a panic. And then so we had this. We had this paddleboard where I think we probably both cried, but then talked about, like, the political reasons to get married and feeling like we wanted examples in our community of relationships that we would look up to. And we're like, well, why don't we just be that?
[00:02:29] Speaker A: It's amazing. And I have to say, you are.
[00:02:34] Speaker B: I mean, I know I've told you this a little bit, but it was really beautiful. Our officiant, unbeknownst to me, had listened to the podcast.
[00:02:43] Speaker A: Right.
[00:02:44] Speaker B: And your words were in our ceremony.
[00:02:47] Speaker A: That's crazy. That was the nicest voice note you two left me. Just to, like, recap, you were still kind of fresh from experiencing it.
[00:02:54] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:02:55] Speaker A: And telling me how so. Yeah. Tell us what happened.
[00:02:58] Speaker B: Well, so she told the story of you driving, basically being fresh out of your own kind of breakup, maybe not quite broken up.
Situation.
[00:03:10] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:03:11] Speaker B: We'll get into situationships.
[00:03:12] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly.
[00:03:14] Speaker B: Situation. And basically seeing Dev and I sharing a little moment on the street and that being just kind of a signpost. To like you.
You could have that. I'm blushing. I'm not good at telling you.
[00:03:27] Speaker A: Yeah, no, it was basically I saw them kind of look at each other lovingly at the corner of the street. I was sitting in my car at the light. And then they kissed each other and I just broke down crying because it was this moment of, like, witnessing this beautiful thing and being like, that's. That's what I want. And like, that's not what I have right now. It was this moment of like, of realization. And. And so, yeah, it was. It was a beautiful, important moment for me.
[00:03:51] Speaker B: It. It felt really special.
So basically, at our wedding, for the folks who don't know, we have divided it into two weddings, which I love because we're extra. Yeah. And so we brought our families together out in Tofino because Deb's from out west.
And it felt so special to have our, like, queer family represented at our immediate family wedding through your words. And I just, I was so touched. Yeah. Our officiant just really, really sent it and it was really cool too. She. She held space for the queer community in this way that felt like Dev and I didn't have to say say it. And it was said for us in like, this way that felt really special.
Yeah. There were so many things that just felt really, really good.
[00:04:39] Speaker A: And also in, like, that being said, you and Dev have sort of told me too about how you guys felt more seen by your family in that.
From the wedding.
[00:04:53] Speaker B: Totally. It felt like an opportunity to really let them more into us.
So we did our own vows and that was. Oh, my gosh, that was so nerve wracking. But it also felt like they really got to see us and show up for us. And I think that's part of what I really like about weddings.
[00:05:14] Speaker A: Absolutely.
[00:05:14] Speaker B: Is like that, like, hey, you're going to have us here. We are.
And yeah.
[00:05:21] Speaker A: Well, it sounds like you two were also very good at not kind of performing the way you thought your family wanted to see you guys or what they didn't want to see. Like, you were. You guys were just yourselves. You were loving and tender and not kind of censoring anything for the sake of family members.
[00:05:39] Speaker B: Definitely mushier than I've probably ever been in front of anyone ever.
[00:05:43] Speaker A: Yeah, I love that.
[00:05:45] Speaker B: But yeah, we. We had a great time. And yeah, we're excited that we get to have another go at it with our. Our pals in a totally different experience.
[00:05:54] Speaker A: And. Yeah, so what's that, what's that contrast going to be like in Your minds. Why have you planned it this way?
[00:06:00] Speaker B: I'm a people pleaser. I wanted.
I think, wanted to be able to show up as me fully in both because there's different facets of me. They're like, I'm me with my family, and that might be different than me with my queer family.
And one's more kind of party celebratory, and then the other was kind of more blending of families and like, just different. Yeah. I'm excited. I'm so excited for both.
[00:06:31] Speaker A: And the September and the one is going to be dinner and rave, essentially.
[00:06:37] Speaker B: Mostly just rave.
[00:06:37] Speaker A: Mostly just rave, which I'm already thinking about my outfit for. As.
[00:06:42] Speaker B: As you should be.
[00:06:43] Speaker A: As I should be. This is like. I feel like this is a feat.
[00:06:46] Speaker B: Yeah. So that. So that was super fun. And I feel like that our family wedding has, like, kicked us off for. Because we're. We're coming into wedding season now.
[00:06:55] Speaker A: It's true. I feel like I'm very far removed from wedding wedding seasons in general now. Being in my mid-40s, I don't have a lot of friends still getting married. I have friends having babies and stuff now, which is also kind of interesting for me. My daughter's turning 11.
[00:07:14] Speaker B: Yeah. It's a different era, so it's just.
[00:07:16] Speaker A: Like, wow, a baby. A fresh one, you know, like, you're doing that.
That's wild. You know, like, you know, they don't sleep. Are you sleep right.
[00:07:24] Speaker B: Baby shower this weekend?
[00:07:26] Speaker A: I have a baby shower coming up. Yes. For my friend Erin that's coming up in June, and I couldn't be more excited for them, but it's just so wild because it's so far from my immediate experience now.
[00:07:38] Speaker B: I think I'm in the.
Like, we're not that far apart, but I think I'm in the friends having baby era. And then Deb's even younger than me and is the first of their friends to kind of be getting married.
[00:07:51] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:07:52] Speaker B: And so there's lots of weddings, baby and wedding season in our house.
[00:07:57] Speaker A: How many do you have this summer?
[00:07:59] Speaker B: Well, it's not really fair because I'm having two. So if you include ours, it's like six.
[00:08:04] Speaker A: Really?
[00:08:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:05] Speaker A: Oh, my God.
Wow.
[00:08:09] Speaker B: I'm really excited, though. I have just totally embraced that I'm gonna be the. So except for ours, all the weddings are hetero.
[00:08:20] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:08:20] Speaker B: But I'm like, we're gonna be the queer representing representation.
[00:08:25] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:08:25] Speaker B: And I'm like, am I finding pleated shorts? Like, what.
[00:08:29] Speaker A: What are the pressure? Yeah. I did look for you by the way, online the other day for the.
Okay, good. Because I couldn't find the ones that I told you about. Yeah.
Okay. So you're feeling a little pressure to be the queer representation.
[00:08:40] Speaker B: No excitement.
[00:08:41] Speaker A: Oh, excitement. Okay, good.
[00:08:42] Speaker B: Okay. I think I've like, in the past weddings and things like that have been like, oh, what am I going to wear?
This and that. But I think. Or like been in wedding parties. Like, I've done the thing where I.
[00:08:52] Speaker A: Had to do where bridesmaid dresses.
[00:08:54] Speaker B: A bridesmaid dress. But I've also had a. Had a really good friend who I was in their bridal party and it was just we all wore the same color and so I got to wear a suit and that felt really great. And my friend really handled all of that and was like super chill. So I feel like people get it now. They're not forcing folks to wear dresses who don't need to be wearing dresses. Feeling like a linebacker.
[00:09:18] Speaker A: Oh my gosh.
So funny.
And I mean, I get that the sort of the social anxiety around how to dress, you know, at family occasions or weddings and things like that. Do you have any. Do you have any tips for.
In your search for sort of gender comfortable clothes? What. What you've found works or doesn't work.
[00:09:39] Speaker B: I mean, I am super fortunate that my body type leans small male.
[00:09:47] Speaker A: Right.
[00:09:48] Speaker B: And like, I'm not like a particularly like hippie person. And so I. I'm just straight to the men's department.
Thrifting, I think is a great place.
[00:09:57] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:09:58] Speaker B: To go more is more. And just like keep like the thing I often struggle with is like I put something on and then it's like I don't put it all the way together with like the shoes or accessories. And I find I get stuck in that part. And so something that's been helpful for me is kind of taking it all of the way right there.
[00:10:16] Speaker A: Like the layering of like.
[00:10:18] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:18] Speaker A: Is there going to be jewelry? Is there going to be whatever else? Yeah.
[00:10:22] Speaker B: Also messaging friends to get hyped up.
[00:10:25] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:25] Speaker B: Or. And also the thing I think is I find it challenging is like when you are like have to find something for event. It's like if you see the thing, get it.
[00:10:37] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:10:37] Speaker B: That's when you get it.
[00:10:38] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:38] Speaker B: Because if you're looking on a clock that's. There's nothing work.
[00:10:41] Speaker A: No. There's so much pressure. And there's nothing worse though also than going to one of these occasions and feeling uncomfortable in your own body or the clothes that you have on your body because It. It shows, like, not only do you sort of feel more anxious and self conscious, but, like, I don't know, sometimes I. Often I've just opted for something maybe more simple, but like that. And then maybe some jewelry or something that like, blings it up a little bit. But then I'm comfortable.
[00:11:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:11:15] Speaker A: And so then you, like, you have more fun, you enjoy yourself more, and it's apparent to other people too, that you're, like, confident and comfortable in yourself.
[00:11:22] Speaker B: Yeah.
Have you ever, like, I don't know, sometimes we'll be out shopping or whatever and like, see something that doesn't look or feel like me and I'll try it on and it's like, as soon as I already have the thought that it's not me, the way I hold my body for sure makes it so much worse. Whereas if you have that confidence and just own looks better.
[00:11:50] Speaker A: Yeah. It's funny. When I was looking for dresses for my daughter last weekend, and we were just having general conversations about dresses and stuff, and neither of us could imagine me in a dress.
It was just so funny because I used to wear them and there's still a few in my closet that I'm holding onto or that may she'll want one day that are kind of nicer ones or something. But it's so funny. Like, she just can't see it and nor can I.
[00:12:15] Speaker B: Does that feel validating?
[00:12:16] Speaker A: It does. Yeah. Like, she's like, I can't even imagine you in a dress.
[00:12:20] Speaker B: That'd be so weird.
[00:12:21] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:12:25] Speaker B: Where. Where are you finding clothes? Like, any.
[00:12:31] Speaker A: I feel like my closet at the moment is a real mix of stuff.
I've had some luck thrifting over the last little while. I do want to do more of that. I have this. I have your wedding. I need some outfits for that. So I need to start shopping with that in mind in particular too, because I do.
I have a real mix of stuff.
[00:12:55] Speaker B: Something that I love that friends of ours have done and that we need to do again is go through your closet, pull out all your stuff, and then do like a friend swap of clothes.
It's a great way to not spend money. Totally hang out with your pals and then also just see your clothes through new eyes. Yeah. Yeah. So definitely recommend that too, if you can get a group of people together.
[00:13:19] Speaker A: And I went to a clothing swap back, I don't know, a couple months ago, maybe the winter, and I did get a few items and it was great. And I got like, so many compliments. They're like, I love your jeans. I'm like, clothing swap. Great. Like, great find, you know, and so it's true. And then, you know, you know, your clothes aren't going to waste, especially, especially if, like, a friend ends up keeping them.
I feel like we got a little off topic, but also not because it's like weddings to clothing.
[00:13:44] Speaker B: So, yeah, we're back after a little bit of time away. We're super excited. We've got weddings coming up, Pride coming up. Our next episode, we're gonna do a little bit of summer and dating. So if you have any questions, feel free to drop us a line. And, yeah, we're just really excited for summer over here at Dear Queer.
[00:14:04] Speaker A: And we want to play tennis. Let's be honest.
[00:14:07] Speaker B: Let's be honest. We want to drink coffee and play tennis.
We hope everyone has such a good week. With Pride season upon us, it is no better a time to support your local queer organizations. We don't have to tell you that they are at risk all the time.
So it's no better time to support because we are the ones who keep us safe. And.
And also your dollars can go a lot further this time of year. A lot of organizations have matching programs going on right now. So, yeah, show up, shell out if you can. Some organizations that we are supporting right now in our community are Rainbow Railroad, who work with queer and trans refugees, as well as a local community center, the 5 19.
So do what you can. And happy Pride.
This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts, who we will bring in from time to time. Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan. Produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host, as always, Elena Papienis.
[00:15:13] Speaker A: I'm getting that.
