Gay and Dating

[00:00:00] Speaker A: And there's a cutie. And we sort of made eyes. If you have a question I love you, you can simply ask your trusty, dear career, dear queer. [00:00:33] Speaker B: Hi. [00:00:34] Speaker A: Hi. How's it going? [00:00:35] Speaker B: Pretty good. We are in the thick of pride month. [00:00:38] Speaker A: We're in it. [00:00:40] Speaker B: We wanted to jump on here and I don't know, summer's just. Summer's such a fun time for dating. [00:00:48] Speaker A: It is. [00:00:48] Speaker B: Maybe you've been hibernating and just living on the apps and not even going. [00:00:53] Speaker A: Out on dates or not even being on the apps and being totally like hidden. [00:00:59] Speaker B: All are fine. [00:00:59] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:01:00] Speaker B: But now it's like, I don't know, we, we're here, it's summer, we want to give a little. A little advice. I hate that you try. [00:01:10] Speaker A: Yeah, we just want to talk about. I mean, I know we've done episodes about dating and things like that before, but I feel like there's always, you know, new content that kind of comes to mind or new questions that we come across that I feel like it's always fun to talk about. [00:01:26] Speaker B: Heck yeah. [00:01:26] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:01:27] Speaker B: First I'm just gonna say this. [00:01:29] Speaker A: Okay. [00:01:30] Speaker B: We're going back to my, my dating app days. [00:01:33] Speaker A: Okay. [00:01:34] Speaker B: If you're on the apps, be direct. [00:01:37] Speaker A: Okay. Like what. As to what you're looking for kind of thing. As to what you're looking for. [00:01:41] Speaker B: I think, I think if you are only looking for hookups. Put that up there. If you are looking for long term, you can put that up there too. [00:01:52] Speaker A: If you're non monogamous, put that up. [00:01:54] Speaker B: Put that up there. Yeah, it's like that's not to say that, you know, the, the, the one. If you're, you know, putting out for one night stands that, that can't turn into. [00:02:03] Speaker A: It's true. [00:02:04] Speaker B: Your long term stand. [00:02:06] Speaker A: Yeah, it's true. [00:02:07] Speaker B: But I, I think, I think you gotta be direct and articulate what you want. [00:02:12] Speaker A: Absolutely. Because otherwise, I mean, you're kind of wasting someone else's time if they wouldn't have even gone on a date with you to begin with if they aren't into whatever it is you're looking for. [00:02:22] Speaker B: And that's not to say people are gonna listen. [00:02:25] Speaker A: No, that's true. That's very true. Yeah. [00:02:28] Speaker B: It's like you put in that you're just going for hookups and then you arrive to the date. I don't know if you had have this, but I remember so many app specific first dates. Not like meet cute first dates but like man, the speed at which the gals were the gals and the they's truly were asking you about kids, long term plans, all these things. [00:02:51] Speaker A: Did you. [00:02:52] Speaker B: Do you experience this? And I found it so cringe. [00:02:56] Speaker A: Not so. No, actually, I don't. [00:02:59] Speaker B: Maybe it's me. [00:03:00] Speaker A: Maybe every once in a while you just look like the long term type. Lauren, they got you bagged. [00:03:04] Speaker B: Yeah, I am. [00:03:04] Speaker A: Yeah, See, there you go. Maybe like a couple of times there's that. And I mean, maybe they didn't even say those things specifically, but the feeling is of just like coming on really strong. But also, I don't know, I guess because I'm older, I already have a kid, maybe it's less likely that I get those questions. Although it is important for people to know I was on a date recently and someone did ask me if I was interested in having like more. More kids or whatever. But yeah, that's true. That was on a first date. So I don't know. But yeah, I guess overall, sometimes there's just the vibe of, of like a lot too much urgency. [00:03:44] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:03:44] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:03:45] Speaker B: Scarcity mindsets. Yeah. Don't like them. [00:03:47] Speaker A: No, no. I mean we all fall. Maybe we don't all fall into them, but sometimes, you know, it's natural to sometimes kind of fall into them. But that can't be our long term outlook. [00:03:57] Speaker B: All right, I got a question for you. [00:03:58] Speaker A: Okay. [00:04:00] Speaker B: How do you know if you're in a situationship versus a slow burn? [00:04:06] Speaker A: This is a really good one. [00:04:08] Speaker B: Shall I paint a scene? [00:04:10] Speaker A: Yeah, for sure. [00:04:11] Speaker B: All right, so imagine in my mind this is probably someone who's in your queer friend group and maybe not in the inner circle and you started like hanging out one on one. [00:04:27] Speaker A: Okay. [00:04:28] Speaker B: And it's like, is this going somewhere? [00:04:31] Speaker A: Right? [00:04:32] Speaker B: Are we just friends? What's. Because like, I think with, with queers there's, you know what it's like, there's always the option. [00:04:41] Speaker A: It's true. And some people are really kind of loose with their boundaries and other people are really strict with their boundaries around that. Yeah, like, I don't. [00:04:53] Speaker B: Some people are just flirty friends. [00:04:54] Speaker A: Some people are just flirty. Yeah, absolutely. [00:04:56] Speaker B: Or like I have friends who. It's like you go drinking and I'm like, oh, you're a flirt, right? [00:05:00] Speaker A: Yeah, I don't. I personally find that confusing. Yeah. But I mean, it's. Maybe it's not as confusing for other people. So I don't know that I've ever had a friend be confused about if I like them. [00:05:16] Speaker B: I find kind of direct. Kind of direct. [00:05:19] Speaker A: Kind of direct, like. And other people have stricter Ones. I feel like mine are pretty strict. Like, I don't think I've ever given friends the wrong impression, if anything. Like, if I feel like someone is. Is interested in me and I'm not, I'll kind of send messages to signal that or even just use language that's like. I think we've mentioned this before. Like, you clarify, like, friends. I'd love to. You know, like, literally dropping. Yeah. [00:05:46] Speaker B: Dropping. [00:05:47] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. To make it clear. Because I don't know, I just think there's nothing. There's nothing worse than, like, misleading people. [00:05:54] Speaker B: I think too, if you're finding that you're only hanging out with this person one on one, it might be a situationship. Like, if you can't draw, if they. If they're not dropping into, like, your other, like, social plans or, like, things like that. [00:06:11] Speaker A: I think a thing for me is that if I leave confused. [00:06:16] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:06:16] Speaker A: If I feel confused after. [00:06:17] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:06:18] Speaker A: If I don't feel better after hanging out, if I feel weird, if something feels like. Yeah. Confusing, you're like. [00:06:24] Speaker B: Or you're questioning exactly yourself. That's when I know you're like, is it just me? Or if you have that sentence. [00:06:29] Speaker A: Yes. I think that's a clear sign that it's situation chippy. Because it's confusing. There's mixed signals. It's not clear versus. I don't know if we all have the same idea of what a slow burn is. I actually love the idea of a slow burn. [00:06:44] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:06:44] Speaker A: I think that's great. [00:06:45] Speaker B: You get to know someone without all of these assumptions or, like, hopes that it's going somewhere. It just, like, gets to develop naturally. [00:06:55] Speaker A: Yeah. But I mean, maybe sometimes people pursue friendships as slow burns versus, like, being clear about, like, hey, I'm interested in you romantically, but I want to take it slow. [00:07:09] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:07:10] Speaker A: You know what I mean? They feel different to me. [00:07:13] Speaker B: Right. So there's direction. [00:07:15] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, there's direction and there's intention and clarity. [00:07:19] Speaker B: Yeah, I guess, too. It's like, it could. Intention, I think, is. Is the important piece. It's like, okay, like. Yeah, we are seeing if this is heading in that direction. And it's like intention on both sides. [00:07:33] Speaker A: Right? [00:07:33] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:07:34] Speaker A: Yeah, I like that. [00:07:36] Speaker B: Okay. [00:07:37] Speaker A: I don't mean. I don't know. I'm no, I'm no. I'm no expert, but I've definitely been in confusing situations where. Yeah. You kind of question what it is or see kind of contradictions and mixed messages. And that's when you have to. You have to listen to that confusion and Be like, oh, these are like yellow and red flags to me. This is not a place of clarity. This is not like. And either have a conversation or take some space or whatever you need to. [00:08:06] Speaker B: Do or you know, you know what, you know what you could do? [00:08:09] Speaker A: What? [00:08:09] Speaker B: Invite it. If you're, if you're not sure if it's a situationship versus a slow burn, you invite your. We'll call them situationship over and you watch a reality dating show. [00:08:20] Speaker A: Right. [00:08:20] Speaker B: And you like get to like critique it and like for sure there's going to be some messy example. And then you see how they totally respond to. [00:08:29] Speaker A: Totally. Absolutely. I thought you were going to say invite them to one of the many weddings you have this summer. [00:08:34] Speaker B: You know what? That's an option for my friends. [00:08:37] Speaker A: See how they feel. That's an option for my. See what they react. [00:08:39] Speaker B: Oh my gosh, I hope there's a meet cute at our wedding. [00:08:42] Speaker A: Oh, I mean, I'd almost be surprised if there isn't. [00:08:46] Speaker B: I mean, we already know there's going to be exes in the room. [00:08:48] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:08:49] Speaker B: So maybe there's some future exes. [00:08:50] Speaker A: Yeah, some future. [00:08:51] Speaker B: Not exactly. [00:08:52] Speaker A: Because you're bringing people together from different, different cities and stuff. [00:08:56] Speaker B: Okay, so it's summer. How, how, how are we going to help folks have just like queerest, most fun summer? [00:09:05] Speaker A: So there's nothing less satisfying than living online. So if you can go out, go to like picnic hangs, queer groups, festivals, like whatever you can find and just be out in the world to whatever capacity you can. I feel like that always feels better than trying to meet people online. Although. Or maybe you start online but then like don't live on online and kind of try to move pretty quickly to meeting people in real life. [00:09:37] Speaker B: I love that. [00:09:37] Speaker A: Yeah. Or whatever. I mean, honestly, I feel like more people need to take the initiative too and to start groups. [00:09:42] Speaker B: Yep. [00:09:43] Speaker A: And just like bring people together from different communities as well or like different friend groups. If more people did that, it would just be like. [00:09:50] Speaker B: And just going to like queer events. See queer artists. Go and like, just get out there. Also get a haircut. [00:09:59] Speaker A: Get a haircut. Yeah, a queer haircut. [00:10:03] Speaker B: Flagging. [00:10:03] Speaker A: Okay. And wear your carabiners and. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Gotcha. Okay. [00:10:08] Speaker B: Do you ought to take. [00:10:10] Speaker A: So funny. Get a haircut. [00:10:12] Speaker B: I don't care if you're a fab. Get a haircut. [00:10:15] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:10:15] Speaker B: I'm not saying you gotta go short. [00:10:17] Speaker A: But just make yourself feel good. I'm making this worse. Just make yourself feel good. That's okay. We'll get you out of it. Okay, what are some other tips that. Did you have any in mind? [00:10:33] Speaker B: Dog parks. [00:10:34] Speaker A: Oh, my God. Yeah. Dog parks outside of coffee shops. [00:10:38] Speaker B: That's where the queers are. [00:10:39] Speaker A: Yeah. Honestly. And don't be shy to talk. If you do see someone, that's cute, because I had a. I had a missed connection last year when I was at outside of Hail Coffee and there's a cutie and we sort of made eyes. But then I. I literally sort of. I had the voice in my head to tell them to like, come sit down, hang out for a second. Like, are like, do you have to leave with your coffee already? You know, and they hopped in their car and. But sort of took their time. And I did see them kind of pause and then they drove off and I haven't seen them since. But I. So I wish, like, take the opportunity when you see someone, because it is a big city. People do somehow exist without you seeing them and knowing that they exist. So if you do see someone when you're out, don't be shy to say a little something. [00:11:27] Speaker B: That is so true. Because also, do you know Colman Domingo? Actor? [00:11:33] Speaker A: Maybe. [00:11:34] Speaker B: Well, he met his husband outside of a Walgreens parking lot. [00:11:39] Speaker A: No. [00:11:40] Speaker B: Yeah. And they were like, kind of eyes and like, I don't remember exactly how the story goes, but literally that's how they met. And they've been together for like a decade or more. [00:11:50] Speaker A: Oh, my God. That's amazing. Yeah. So shoot your shot to the person. Shoot your shot. [00:11:53] Speaker B: I love it. [00:11:54] Speaker A: Okay. Sweet. Okay. Well, we hope you have a wonderful rest of Pride season, and we hope you have some wonderful meet cutes and that you find a lot of fun community. Dear Fear Foreign. [00:12:15] Speaker B: This has been another episode of Dear Queer. Just a reminder, we are not actually experts. Any advice given should actually come from our experts who we will bring in from time to time. Music brought to you by Sean Patrick Brennan, produced by myself, Lauren Hogarth, and your host, as always, Elena Papienis. [00:12:33] Speaker A: I'm getting that.